Sunday, December 28, 2008

Breaking News!

This story made it to the front page of the Sunday Telegraph today. I think even I have news that's more worthy of front page column space.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Home sweet... home?

I'm a little confused which might explain why, at 3am on Boxing Day, I am blogging whilst everyone else in my house has gone to bed. And it is that way round, I'm blogging because I'm confused, not confused because I'm blogging, wait, that's just more confusing.
Anyway, what I'm a bit confused about is where, exactly, is home? I think I'm stuck in the standard 1st year transition period, when life seems so much like life in your new residence but when you come back home you suddenly realise that everything is carrying on just like normal back at 'home' and it's still got all the attributes of home. And then you start to wonder, is home 'home' only when you're at home and it ceases to be home when you're at uni, which you'd now call home or is home always home even when you're at uni, in which case uni isn't home ever and especially isn't home when you're at home cos it (uni) no longer has any sort of home attriutes. And do I say 'I'm going home' when I leave uni to come back home or when I leave home to go back to uni. And if home is still home (even though when at uni it often outweighs the homeliness of home on account of all your stuff being there) then when does home stop being home and start being uni? Should I just think that I have no home, but that seems overly dramatic when it's probably fairer to say I have two homes.

Anyway 3 more things:
1) No, I have not been drinking
2) Yes, I know it doesn't matter.
3) I am going to stop before the word 'home' starts to sound all funny due to over-repetition

This is home- Switchfoot

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I cant go back, back to how it was

I believe now
I've come too far
No I cant go back, back to how it was

Created for a place ive never known
This is home
Now im finally where I belong, where I belong
Yah this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

Belief over misery
I seen the enemy
And I wont go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide its not over yet
We miracles, and were not alone

Yah this is home, now im finally where I belong
Yea this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

And now, after all my searching
After all my questions
Im going to call it home
I got a brand new mind set
I can finally see the sunset
Im gonna call it home

Home, this is home
Now Im finally where I belong, belong
Yes this is home,
Ive been searching for a place of my own
Now I found it,
Maybe this is home
This is home

Friday, December 19, 2008


My last blog shared some of the filth I've encountered today whilst tidying. It' 2:30am and I'm back at it on account of the looming mother's visit. Sadly, my planned evening of tidying got interrupted by 3 hours of jumping on Nat's bed singing Wham and McFly, a guilty pleasure of ours that we've decided we partake in far too often. All the same, we'd still be at it now if Lewis hadn't come upstairs and told us that 5 girls stomping around on his roof wasn't supportive of his beauty sleep. Anyway, as my sleeping pattern is so crazily messed up that I'm not scheduled another sleep til 2010 I thought I'd be an incredibly cool person and take photos of my room, so that I feel a little less alone with its mess.

This is my room after 12 hours of tidying. In those 12 hours I've had 5 people come and see how messy it is, 2 people walk past and yell at me to get off facebook and get back to it, and many other passers by recoiling in horror at its sight.

This is my wall of accumulated stuff since being at uni:

And behold! Not for the faint hearted...Here is the thing I found at the bottom of my bin. I'm surprised I'm not dead from its spores yet.

These are bad times my friends... bad bad times.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

oh dear oh dear.

I'm going home for Christmas in 2 days. My room is still in its usual state of disarray yet now I have boxes lying around half full of semi ordered stuff. My dishes are still sitting in the basin, having been sitting there so long that half the water they were in has actually evaporated (and/of soaked up by the various items of clothing I keep accidentally dropping in it). I have hair dye paraphernalia decorating my desk and I have one of my few towels lying on my window sill after my DIY double glazing attempt. And it'd be highly inappropriate to share what is in my sink at the moment... but I'm still plucking up the courage to go near enough to it to clean it.

I should technically be tidying it now, as it is less than 24 hours before the mother descends and I think when she offered to help me tidy, she didn't quite anticipate what I meant by 'messy'.

Talking of messiness... I went out for my birthday last night. If you've seen the Simpsons episode with Homer trashing the school with his friends and then the next morning recounts to Bart and Lisa what he'd done last night and it goes into old movie style and Homer is prancing around giggling and it's all pink etc (you have to have seen it, I couldn't find it on youtube) then you'll understand my current thoughts about last night. If you haven't seen it, don't worry and probably best not to ask either.

There is a little part of me looking forward to coming home, it's only little but it seems to be more than the amount my friends are happy about going home. I'll miss the banter with my friends, but there are some things I'm looking forward to, the main thing being the privacy of home... sometimes it's nice just to do things without 6 other people knowing where you've been and where you're going. But I'm sure the novelty will wear off pretty soon. Uni has finally picked up momentum though and I'm getting along great with my friends, having good nights out and getting into lectures. Which is why it's so annoying to stop it all just when it's getting good. But, I am excited about seeing people again and being a lazy arse; driving everywhere instead of climbing up a 170 degree wall everyday and going to bed earlier than 4am.

Anyway, I am going to go and tidy now. Honest I really am....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Oh dear.

I've had the best few days, yesterday was so much fun. After cell group we went to Bole Hill park at 11pm and just messed around in the playpark. It was so amazing to be on the swings, looking up you could see all the stars and looking down was the most amazing view of all the city lights in the dark. It's so much fun just to be a big kid sometimes!

Anyway the oh dear in the title is definitely referring to the height my clumsiness has reached. It is distinctly unfunny. Yesterday I knocked over a bottle of juice, getting everything soaked. Then, as I ate my soup on my bed more of it went on my sheets than in my mouth. The worst part is yet to come. The canteen seems to bring out my clumsy side, you know, the whole getting the arm stuck in the tray conveyor belt scenario which I blogged about last time I listed all my clums-ridden feats. So I sat down, picked up my diet coke and the cup sort of crumbled in my hand. The next thing I know, my coffee has coke in it and my potato is swimming in a puddle of coke on my plate. But that's not the worst part- the worst part is somehow, the coke managed to go down my back, i think I threw someover my shoulder and it just dribbled down my back all the way to my bum. When I stood up, it looked like I'd wet myself cos I had a trail of wet in a place which really shouldnt be wet in a canteen. Only I could shower myself in Coke so badly that I have to actually change my underwear.

While we're on the topic of disasters + personal stories, I was going to wear a dress to ROAR tonight. I wore this dress in February last, no problem. Anyway, I inched it over my bum and went through to get Nat to do the zip up, the zip went up as far as my two womanly assets which appear to have sprouted out of nowhere since February. There was absolutely no way this dress was going anywhere thanks to my stupid nungas. Anyway, I didnt give up there- i thought maybe it might go over my head. Cue me running around my room with a dress stuck halfway over my head, arms and the like flailing all over the place. Anyway moral of the story is- don't try and wear a size 6 Topshop dress when you have 34C knockers.

Other personal news which I may as well divulge seeing as I don't seem to be holding back much- I've got some strange spots, 3 on my stomach one on my leg one on my back and one on my leg. I'm concerned I may have caught ringworm (which involves no real life living worms as i discovered) as it seems to be present in our corridor at the moment. Either that or I've got an extremely unwelcome guest in my bedroom.
I also dyed my hair so its kinda streaky blonde.

Ermmm... (essay procrastination btw)... i tidied my room so it no longer resembles what it did before (see a few posts back) my floordrobe is now a chairdrobe. but i can now turn the light off to sleep without worrying I'll get eaten alive by giant rats.

Tonight Nat's giving me a make over in which I think she underestimates how hard it is to make me look good. But still, any offers which might make me look semi presentable are welcome. It isnt helped by the reemergence of my acne (seriously do you ever grow out of it!) despite my self prescribing of Dr. Stuart's skin purify tea (some past blog somewhere about that stuff on here). It also isn't helped by my faces decision to be puffy. I think it might be down to lack of sleep, either that or I have some disease like the Bubonic plague (might explain those spots). Anyway the consequence is I've ran out of foundation in an attempt to look less awful.

Well I could witter on forever but I'm supposed to be writing something coherent about the meaning of life and all that which is due in for next week :S

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Thursday, December 04, 2008

2009 (I hate the number 9- not a good start)

Don't get confused by the title- it's not actually 2009 yet but Brooke and subsequently Bekah posted their new years resolutions recently.
Here and here.
Which got me thinking (bet you saw that one coming).
It's tempting to go for the resolutions like 'procrastinate less' and 'be more organised', and it's especially tempting considering I still haven't finished my essay that's due in for tomorrow. But we're talking achieveable goals, not personality transformations.
It's also tempting to go for resolutions like 'write in my journal everyday' and 'get along with my siblings' but then I'm not really setting myself any challenges at all. Like when people give up a food for lent which they never eat anyway.
So, I've got to find some things which are achievable and likely.
Last year, my aims for the year were to learn guitar and get AAB.
Spectacularly failed them both.
So far I've got:
Learn guitar (more than the 5 chords I learnt then forgot this year)
Read the entire bible. I had a bible in a year book which I started last January. I got to about the 4th chapter of Genesis.
Other than that I'm open to suggestions- so...? Probably should be something about lecture attendence, money saving and contact keeping... but I'm just staying true to the title of student.

Oh and following from my last post....
I half tidied my room then got bored. I did find £10 in the process though which means I might just make it through til the end of term without going into the minuses. I'd better spend this £10 wisely!! I was particularly resentful to when I added up all I've spent on train tickets this term. That'd be well over £150. Maybe I should spend more time in Sheffield.
There really is a bad smell wafting around my nose as I write this. I'm hoping it's either the mouldy mug I'm sat next to or a rat corpse under my bed (rather dead than alive, although preferably neither)- I'm still paranoid there are rats in my room and ever since I saw that episode of CSI where the rat climbed out of this corpse's mouth I'm going to be sleeping with the light on. I also have 3 bites on my stomach so I've definitely had an unwelcome guest of some description- there's no teeth marks though so I'm sure I'm safe with the rat thing.

And I also washed my hair despite the fact it was soooooo knotty that it took me a good 15 mins to brush through it, I had literal dreadlocks forming. Just to point out this wasn't cos I haven't been washing it, it was just cos I never brush it when I wash it so it dries with knots in. Seriously tempted to chop it all off though!

Anyway I'd like to point out how immensely excited I am about Christmas hols. I can't wait to go home and see everyone again, and to drive again, and to be able to go to the loo in the middle of the night without getting spooked by having to walk down a long corridor, and being able to put anything I want in the shopping trolley without having to do cost analysis (butternut squash and grapes- oh yea!), and to go to church again, and being able to do my workout dvds, and not have any essays to write, and to be able to bake again and just so many other things!!

But I'll probably miss uni while at home- who couldn't miss the lack of sleep, the awful food, the neverending essay writing, the restriction of your entire life to one room and the frequent intrusion into this lifehole by people who actually want to elicit more than a grunt out of you.
So... new year's resolution to be more positive anyone?


So it's 1:45pm on Thursday afternoon.

I'm lying in bed having gone to bed at 3am after attempting to finish my sociology essay. Gave up despite needing 300 more words and a deadline of tomorrow.

My hair is so greasy that I'm contemplating wearing a hat to go between my bedroom to the shower.

Apparently there was snow but I slept right through it.

My bedroom is so messy (see last post) that I slept with the light on last night because when I turned it off, I started to have auditory hallucinations of rats.

I now have the task of getting out of bed, showering and tidying my room before 4:30.

Then, I have the task of finishing my essay only to start the next one which I have a week and a half to do. And I'm sooooooo tired, I want to sleep for another 6 hours.

Anyway, other news. This is my brother DJing for 1000 people in a club in the Czech Republic.

And this is Claire and Rach after Rach got her belly button pierced. Which means all 3 of us Sweensters (Sweeney sisters) have tattoos and belly piercings. Which is funny when you think about how dad woiuldnt let us get our ears pierced til we were 16. (Though naturally being the youngest I got mine done when was 15 and already had 6 more holes by 16 :P)

She got it done with us on Monday, me claire and Rach went to Manchester and had a day of shopping :)
Anyway, back to the essay :( There's only so much about lesbianism and Freud that I can cope with!
Oh and I've officially signed for our house next year- 8 girls in one house. No further comment.
Ok I'm really going to go now and stop procrastinating...

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Some things never change :S

So a while back, I blogged about the chaos my bedroom tends to get itself into:

Click here to see

Having got to uni, and shared a corridor with 24 other girls, you'd have thought I might have learnt that most people actually have tidy rooms and it's not actually that normal to live in absolute squalor.

Someone needs to tell my room that. It just insists on making itself messy, everytime I walk through the door it seems to have accumulated more and more mess.

So here I am again, 9 months later, having learnt nothing about being tidy and I'm living in the same old mess.

I take this picture as conclusive proof that duvets do grow legs and run away- check out that thing slinking away.

I just feel sorry for the people living with me next year. No, really.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pre- Reunion Banter

This week Brooke and myself will be reunited after 9 weeks of a witty, double meaning infused and sarky banter famine. Here's a reminder of why we are officially the coolest kids on the block.

Text from Brooke (in her impeccably perfect english... no text speak as usual):
"I'm sitting by myself in the launderette at 9pm on student night eating a Twirl and listening to Ben Kweller. Yeah i haven't got any cooler since coming to uni.xx"

My reply:
"Haha, dont worry im the same... Being dragged out by my friends so am getting high on caffeine while trying to disguise my acne with copious amounts of concealer. x"

You've got to love us.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Is God a delusion or is Dawkins deluded?

There is no doubt Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" is provocative and there is even less doubt of that being his intention, a fact which I'd happily provide quote based evidence for except the book provides so many possible examples that I'm stuck for choice. However, a satisfactory example is surely the google search for "the god delusion" which yields over 1.3 million results.

I think the torrent of rebuttal from angry Christians needs to be calmed slightly; reasoned defences such as Alistair McGrath's "The Dawkins Delusion" are fair play but there is no need for Christians to match Dawkins' belligerent, hostile and defiant attitude in their replies. Dawkins actually quotes some of these in the book, as an example of how religion does not equate to morals. To cite some of this exploited ammunition, page 242 Dawkins shares a letter (as he spends a lot of the book in the role of wounded soldier) sent by a supposed Christian to an atheist of a similar position to Dawkins: "i'd love to take a knife, gut you fools, and scream with joy as your insides spill out infront of you..." If people can't manage to read atheistic writing without feeling so profoundly offended, they shouldn't be reading them at all. A small part of me can understand their inability to suppress their grievances, Dawkins (and many other atheist writers) is devastatingly good at pushing buttons thanks to his condenscending, biased and aggravating writing style but... I don't think the 'but' of this sentence requires elaboration, there is no excuse for such hostility. On the other hand, if a Christian felt unable/unwilling to refute Dawkins, even if only in their own mind or quietly in their own heart, then Dawkins is succeeding in robbing us of our convictions and we are allowing ourselves to be provoked in the very way he intends and the very way the bible warns against (click here).

I found that as I read it, I found myself siding with Dawkins and sympathetic of his point of view but the moment I put the book down, I forgot what he'd even been on about. I'll try and explain. Page 110 Dawkins debates the 'argument from beauty'. When I read Dawkins' debate of how appreciation of beauty doesn't indicate God's existence, his reasoning seemed to make sense. But then, I'd put the book down, and as soon as I experienced the appreciation of beauty, Dawkins' attack of it doesn't seem so sensible anymore. David Robertson explains this particularly succintly in "The Dawkins Letters":

Beauty - You state this argument really badly. For me it is one of the arguments that is central to proving the existence of God. You reduce it to someone asking: ‘How do we account for Shakespeare, Schubert or Michelangelo?’ But it is much more than that. It is not so much the fact that 'there is beauty' – but 'why do we as human beings have a sense of beauty'? I’m sure you will account for that by stating that it is a chemical reaction in my brain caused by millions of years of evolution. But that seems to me at best a partial explanation. Beauty is part of consciousness and it remains one of the great unanswered questions in evolutionary philosophy – where does consciousness come from? When I see the beauty of a sunset over the river Tay, or hear Beethoven’s sixth (substitute any beautiful experience), then I cannot grasp nor believe that this is just instinct or impulse that comes from ultimately nowhere. The words of Solomon fit so much better “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes ch.3 v.11)."

To take another example, Dawkins is quick to attack God's character with his careful selection of bible verses which indicate an unworshippable God. It's so easy to get caught up in Dawkins' assessment and to see his point but then, away from the atmosphere his book builds up which lulls the reader into aquiescence, the experience of the love and hope God brings in any situation quenches Dawkins' otherwise suggestions.

Another qualm I have with the book is this idea Dawkins holds, that religious people have all been indoctrinated. He claims he doesn't believe in authentic Christian children, he thinks you can't be Christian and be a child. This personally winds me up because I've been deeply spiritual since I was 5, with a deep understanding of God and the gospel. But then Dawkins is good at holding disbelief in things that evidently exist, let's add Christian children to the list, which already includes God and meaning of life among other things. As far as indoctrination goes, the power of influence is not confined to religion.

Coincidentally (and I choose my word carefully there) somebody recently referred me to The God Delusion in order to allay my cynical attitude (the irony actually makes me nauseous). As the debate unfolded, many of the arguments they held against God are paraphrases of Dawkins himself yet my suggestion that this person holds a faith in Dawkins was instantly rebutted with the denial of any faith. Here is a selection of thoughts from this person, reproduced with absolutely no permission and probably much to her annoyance:

the bible is the most contradictory book I have ever read. the god it portrays is vindictive and bloodthirsty and supposedly at the same time loving and caring. Dawkins does not take meaning out of life, but makes it wonderful and exciting. The meaning from the bible is bad and confusing to say the least. Secondly I have no faith. I am an atheist. I lost my faith well over twenty years ago. I am only now reading the book by Dawkins and find it interesting. I cannot believe in god who purposely causes pain as Jesus is told to have done in the new testament. If he was truly a good all knowing god he would have known the suffering he was causing and would not have done it. Even before that I had many doubts about the existence of god and much disquiet about the contradictions in the bible. To me it is not enough to wait for an answer till I die. What good does it do to me then... Science does provide a more satisfactory answer than the bible has ever done. I prefer living as good and as moral a life as I can now and here than to wait for answers after death. If you find strength in your suffering, good for you. I wish you all the best in your studies and hope you will come to see the religion for what it is one day" Well, I could tear this apart but remembering this is about The God Delusion I'll just pick out a few points, as I'm sure a lot of these feelings stem from Dawkins' indoctrination. Additionally, coming directly on the back of my reading of The God Delusion, it's affected me to the point I want to refute it in the same manner. People should be more careful throwing around accusations without full understanding of the context of the point they are attacking, something which Dawkins really needs to learn before he teaches this distasteful art to the next generation.

"To me it is not enough to wait for an answer till I die"
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
I'm not waiting for any answers. I know what's going to happen to me when I die. She then claims "I have no faith" Which obviously isn't true. She is sure in her hope that there is nothing after life. She is certain of her conviction to "live as good and as moral a life as I can now" She has as much faith as me, just at the opposite end of the spectrum.

"I cannot believe in god who purposely causes pain as Jesus is told to have done in the new testament"
Talk about gun.foot.shoot. and spade.hole.dig
Let's take away the personal element and assume what she actually means is 'how could anyone believe in a God who causes pain' and to push it further, let's clarify the statement to mean 'a God who causes pain cannot be believed in'. This is a circular statement if there ever was one. So nobody believes in this God (because they can't) because he induces pain. But if noone believes in him anyway then can he still really exist at all? If he isn't real to anyone (assuming noone in the world believes in him because they can't) then he doesn't exist in anyones mind and if the being we label as God does exist, (but noone ever thinks of him or knows him i.e. he is unknown to mankind) then we wouldn't be calling him a God as we wouldn't be able to conceptualise him. And if he doesn't exist, then he never caused any pain in the first place, which takes away that very reason to not believe in him. So either, there is a God who caused pain, therefore we can believe in him, or there isn't a God who didn't cause pain therefore we could not believe in him, but it couldn't be on the reasoning that he causes pain. I think what she meant to say was: 'I don't want to believe in a God who causes pain'. But this doesn't say much really, it just squeezes the issue into another ballpark where we have to debate benevolence etc etc which I've had enough of in philosophy lectures.

My point being, people read Dawkins and develop views on religion which are non- arguments, they don't contribute at all to fair disbelief.

I still have no idea where I'm going with all this so I guess I'll round it all up.
Dawkins' book is clever. If you're an atheist, you'll probably read it and be left with a proud inner satisfaction that you are right (even though it proves nothing). And congratulations, Dawkins has just turned your lack of faith into its own faith, and he's even provided the holy book by which you must live.
If you're a Christian, don't read it unless you are either a)not very clever and wouldn't understand what he's on about anyway b) endowed with the spiritual gift of faith c)accountable to some Christians or d)wanting to convert to atheism. It's a big blow to faith and you need the resilience of a Bobo doll to bounce back from it's attacks.
But, to answer the few people who've asked and the people who want to know and haven't asked: yes, I am still a Christian. I find the entire notion of the book, that life is scientific, clinical, chemical and genetic entirely discomforting and unsatisfactory. Just a few minutes of introspection leaves me facing thoughts and feelings which belong only to my inner soul, I don't look inside myself and see a biological motherboard with neurons and brain squidge. And absolutely nothing ever will.

Friday, October 24, 2008


So, I thought taking a philosophy module would be a great way to earn enough credits to make it through this year and get stuck into the serious psychology next year which I actually came to university to do.
Turns out, philosophy isn't easy. Really not easy. And I haven't even begun planning the essay yet.

The big question at the moment is: Do we have an immaterial mind (soul) or are we wholly physical? Another thing I've noticed about philosophy: it's a lot harder when you have strong convictions which hold you to a certain side of the debate. You'd probably be less condemned to jump off a 3000 metre high building than to express a bias in the debate. But if Descartes or Kant had held that, ahem... philosophy, then there'd be no debate in the first place so I guess it's our duty to keep philosophy alive with our assertions of our beliefs.
So back to Dualism.

The view I don't hold: There's no point to life. When you're dead you're dead. Hopes, dreams, fears, love, sorrow, happiness etc are all a result of neural activity. Our mind is the sum of the parts of our brains, anything that cannot be accounted for physically must as yet be undiscovered. We are undifferentiated from animals, each other, or even computers.

The view I hold: We have a soul which, whatever it is, is what is more than the sum of our parts. I can't believe a Numskulls version of life in which our brain contains all the components needed to function as a person. Humans differ from animals in that, along the line of evolution (ie the origin of humans as opposed to any animals before that) God "upgraded" humans to be what we'd call humans today (probably not a view agreed on by all Christians) and he began creating spiritual beings (of which adam and eve were the 1st) with a soul that allowed them to connect to God in a way animals don't. I believe a Dualist view is heavily reliant on the acceptance of God existing and I suppose it is possible to accept Dualism without accepting a God but my personal view is that it'd be hard to accept God without agreeing on the existence of souls.

I've heard compelling arguments for both sides during the course already. I feel Dualists have a harder time of it than Materialists, thanks to the view that you belong to either the Science Society or the God Squad. I mean, gosh, as if there could be any crossover! Using my tutorial class as a basis, the split is about 75:25 materialists:dualists. The disdain Materialists hold towards the notion that there could be more than what is explained by science is actually quite comical. The word maggot springs to mind...

So, although this post has no point apart from to rant, I'll throw in a final thought which I suppose is the point of this post.
I believe in a soul and I'm never going to be convinced otherwise. If God says it, I believe it. If Jesus, CS Lewis* and my mum can believe it, then I can believe it too and no amount of scoffing from any lecturer or tutor will override that.

Besides, seeing as it's engraved into my skin, I don't suppose there's any going back even if science does command it so.

*Edit: CS Lewis said it best: "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Loved by You (natasha bedingfield)

Loved By You- Natasha Bedingfield
Do I Look Different Wouldn't Be Surprised If I Did
Cause It Isn't That Often That Someone Affects Me Quite Like This
And There's Only One To Blame, That I've Been All Rearranged
Showing All My Face That's Because


Somebody Loves Me More Than I Thought Was Possible
Somebody's Changed Me And It's You That's Responsible
You Gave Me Your Heart, Don't Need Anymore Evidence That I'm Loved
Somebody Gets Me And It's Not Just Coincedence
Somebody's For Me, And It Makes All The Difference
You Gave Me Your Heart Don't Need Anymore Evidence
That I'm Loved By You

There's A Change For A Better A Change For Good
I'm Changed For The Better I Am Changed For Good
The World's Looking Sunny
Cause That's What You Do To Me


I'm Loved By You

(starts at 3mins40)

Jeremiah 31:3~ The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love"

Friday, October 17, 2008

The waddle and the wade.

some important advice for when (cough) you come to sheffield to visit me.

the first thing you need to know is The Wade. this is the move you'll have to adopt when walking uphill in uni. it's hard to describe on here, but it involves long strides and leaning forward as far as possible. sometimes it helps to use your arms in a sort of "air pull".

then there's The Waddle. this is the move you'll have to adopt when walking downhill at uni. you have to get a perfect balance of body weight not to far forward or you might have a jack a la jack and jill moment and not to far back or you're legs will run away from underneath you. short little steps are needed and it helps to clench your bum a bit too.

so, when you see me back in the distinctly flat maidenhead, don't be too alarmed if my walk resembles either the BFG or pingu. be assured it's just the waddle and the wade.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Calamity Fi.

They say you go to uni it "find yourself" and I have to admit all I've found so far is stuff I could have already told you (like the fact I'm lazy, mentally unstable and not actually talented at anything) and although uni has confirmed all these things to me, there was one thing which I never even realised before. Maybe it's because I lived in the same house for 18 years I'd learnt where everything was spatially, but in the unknowns of my new room and hall, I have discovered something:

I am tragically clumsy.

To name a few incidents; i walked into my wardrobe door and nearly took myself out, i dropped my beloved camera into my drink, i dropped my mug (which i'd owned for all of 5 minutes) in the sink, smashed the handle and then proceeded to step on the shattered china before cutting my finger on the handle trying to wash it up, i pulled on a wire connecting all my electrics and brought my full kettle crashing down on everything in my room resulting in soggy tissues, wet worksheets and worryingly wet electrics, i missed the washing up bowl when squirting the fairy liquid and now have slippery bed sheets and i got my arm trapped in the travelling conveyer which takes away our dirty trays.

Maybe i should stop sitting on my window sill.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Things I miss from "home"

Being able to sing along to my music at top volume.
Driving in the dark with my music blasting out.
Watching TV on an actual TV.
Knowing my way around and not getting lost.
Having silence while I'm trying to get to sleep.
Silence in general.
Living 5 minutes away from everyone important to me.
Going out for coffee and a catch up with said people.
Living 5 minutes away from St Peters.
Playing the piano.
Not having to worry about how much money I'm spending.
The 12.
Having milk in my tea.
Sunday afternoons: watching casualty with the ma, having butternut squash for sunday lunch and reading Stella.
Being able to spend the day in my PJS without 25 other people seeing me.
Being able to walk to the bathroom without 25 other people seeing me.
Hot chocolate at Jade's.
Open mic.
Supermarket sweep with Jess.
Full length mirrors.
Daytime TV.
Being around people who understand me, support me and don't judge me.

99% of the time, the good stuff about Sheffield cancels out the loss of the above.
1% of the time, it really doesn't.

Friday, October 03, 2008


Uni. Quite possibly the only place you can use a printer as a table, a coffee mug as a wine glass and a sock as a purse. Enough said.

How to know if you are in Tapton Halls of Residence

Now, the world has not yet been introduced to Tapton halls of residence. Pictures will appear as soon as I'm arsed to take any, but it is only 2nd week and I get the delights of Tapton for the next year. Rule number one of Tapton- don't diss it or you'll be dissed. I'm glad to have learnt this vicariously but obviously being the positive person that I am, there was no chance of it happening any other way. *cough*...

Now let me introduce you to some of the sights and smells of Taptonville.
First, as you enter the door you are welcomed by the amazing 60s decor. Honestly, it's like a time warp. On many a night out have I walked back in very confused by this, and only been reassured by the arrival of 21st century dressed individuals. To get to my room, you have to go down Fish Alley. For a while it was questioned whether there really was a resident fish. Turns out, it's just the same corridor as the laundry room and the fishy smell is actually 400 students' washing. As you come down the stairs to our floor, you will be greeted by Pantry Pong. This is the odour of the pantry (funnily enough). Often likened to damp, mould and smells along that vein although should you be walking past in the middle of a thurday night, you might discover the smell of crumpets. And thanks to the caramel that has been encrusted on the hob since 1982, if anyone has dared close the door behind them and actually use the pantry, then there's a strange burning smell as the 20 year old odour is released once again. Now, each corridor has its own distinct smell. I discovered this when I tried finding my room while on the phone. I walked up the stairs instead of down and walked into 3D! The smell instantly made me realise my mistake as instead of our dainty girly smell that reminds me of mouldy chocolate fondue, there was some stange smell that had boy written all over it. Luckily, none of the creatures were actually present at their scent in order to see the lone 1D wanderer that I was.

If you still don't know you're in Tapton despite the fish smell, the 60s decor and the burnt food waft then just sit and listen for 5 minutes. When you hear; someone playing their trumpet at top volume, someone yelling down the phone at top volume or someone's dodgy music (by dodgy, we're talking rnb/ metal) at top volume, someone mumbling drunkely in the middle of the night at top volume or someone being shouted at by the porter at top volume, then you will know for 100% sure that you are in Tapton.

Oh, and if you trekked up a nearly vertical hill to get there then you just can't be anywhere else.*

*except for the time I walked up an exceptionally steep hill thinking I was on my way back to Taptonville. Turns out, I was hiking up the infamous Conduit Hill, as listed in as one of Sheffield main attractions. And for the record, Conduit Hill most definitely does not lead back to Tapton, without taking you on a tour of Sheffield first.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Getting Snap Happy on Freshers Week

So, it's sunday night (or monday morning i suppose) at 1:15 am. im tired and worn out but not ill and ive had the best week in the world. and here are the highlights.

My stuff:Sunday night beach party:
Monday night embrace: Wednesday night bar crawl:

Thursday night kareoke: Friday night frshers mania:

Saturday night school disco:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

queues and other patheticness

i have spent most of today in a queue. and i am fed up. to the maximum. so was the guy next to me, i can only assume, as he was reading a dictionary. Anyway, i chose my modules and im actually doing more philosophy than psychology this term. The modules im doing are:

Philosophy of Religion.
Philosophy of the Mind, Brain and Personal Identity.
Sociology of Gender, Sexuality and Society.
Philosophical Matters of Life and Death.

and for anyone wondering freshers week is awesome. although tiredness mixed with PMT and being overburdened with things to do does result in sobing down the phone to laura at 2 in the morning. apparently.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Observations of the lone wanderer

Having attempted a shopping trip with my mum which turned out to be in part unproductive, I decided I'd go by myself to the dark realms of Slough and buy the rest of the things I need for university. By the end of the day I had half of what was on my list plus a dozen things not on my list which I certainly won't ever need.
At Brooke's recommendation, I venture to good old Wilkos to find a door wedge. In the nicest way possible, it seems to be that the one requirement to work in Wilkos is that you are an absolute neanderthal. (Ooh controversial!) I look for door wedges upstairs. Don't find them. I go downstairs, I ask: "where are the door wedges" followed by a five minute explanation of what a door wedge is. The shop assistant looks glaikid and woofed "DIY. Upstairs." So I went upstairs to find one. Again. 15 minutes looking later. I ask a less retarded shop assistant who informs me they are now down stairs with the back to college collection. So I head back down again. I then attempt to pay but was basically served by a monkey (double ooh). My suspicions that they are actually monkeys in disguise came when I looked over the cashiers shoulder to a note saying "remember to smile at the customer. Ask if they would like stamps or a bag for life. Be polite." This particular monkey was evidently illiterate as I didn't even get so much as an acknowledgement let alone a smile. My items were scanned at a rate of one item per century then a hand appears flapping under my nostril apparently for the money despite not being told how much I owed. A bit like how you're served in Greece.
I continue my lonely wanderings to where I encounter an accordion player. Accompanying his jolly tune is a little girl dancing along in an Irish jig/ Morris dance type fashion in front of him with a big toddler type grin. The man leans forward, takes one hand off the accordion and starts shooing the girl away. Actually saying "shoo" and flapping his hand in her face. Maybe it was a be there thing but it was the funniest be there things possibly ever.
Anyway now I have everything with me to take to uni including the kitchen sink (well, a plastic basin). I'm ready and roaring to go. With £0.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The song I'm obsessed with this week

Ain't Got No (I Got Life)

Ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schoolin
Ain't got no worth, ain't got no job
Ain't got no mind

What have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got?
Nobody can take away

I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile

* I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobies
I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex

Ain't got no father, ain't got no mother
Ain't got no children, ain't got no faith
Ain't got no earth, ain't got no water
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no love

What have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got?
Nobody can take away

I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile

* I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobies
I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex

** I got my arms, I got my hands
I got my fingers, Got my legs
I got my feet, I got my toes
I got my liver, Got my blood

I've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got a lot

Sunday, September 14, 2008

But I'm only little!!

This time next week I'm actually going to be IN Sheffield, like actually there! After months of all my panicing and worrying and what ifs and now it's like 7 days away. Apart from my hall room being an absolute dive there is actually nothing I'm not excited about. Anyway, it won't be long before the flakily painted walls and prison style bed are buried in pink decor.

I'm currently trying to tidy my room. It's about as fun as it'll probably be unpacking it all again at the other end. In fact, the only task I can imagine being more horrendous is when I have to pack it all up at Christmas to bring it all back. I'm on about my 3rd pack, each time getting just that little bit more ruthless. Currently I have 1 box of tea and coffee and foody type stuff, 1 box of make up type stuff (about 3 times the size of the former box :S) 2 boxes of books and the like and about 10 boxes of clothes. :S My bedroom is a bombsite and I cba to actually do anymore. I've run out of boxes and I'm frankly too overwhelmed by the material sum of my 18 years.

This week is going to be so sad. I have to say goodbye to everyone and they say it's only til Christmas but I should think when I'm 3 hours away, in a scabby little room, up a hill, in an unfamiliar town, with a million boxes to unpack and no Jade 15 minutes away, it'll seem more like eternity till I see anyone again, not 3 months.

I sort of do want to leave home. It is more freedom but it's not exactly like I'm shackled down anyway so that's not exactly any bonus. I'm going to miss the familiarity of everything, like being able to go out in my car or bike and drive/cycle actually knowing where I am and where I'll end up if I turn left. I'll miss being able to text Jade and have her come over for a random cup of tea and useless chat. And I'll miss St Peters and all the people there. But I definitely won't be missing Newlands, certain people and certain memories that I'll always associate with Maidenhead. And I think my greatest fear (unfortuneatly one which inevitably will be realised) is that I'll come home and everything will have changed and people will be different and nothing will feel the same anymore. I think I can understand why people rarely go back to their home towns after uni.

Anyway, as per usual I am thinking far too much into the whole thing. As much fun as it can be to specualate over what might happen, it is only a week until I find out for myself and so I may as well just hang on and see.

Back to tidying....

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm feeling all inspired...

I have to admit, I am fairly easily inspired. Pretty much every book I read sends me off wanting to write my own, every song I listen to makes me want to go and learn piano properly and every programme on TV makes me want to become an actress. But these sparks of inspiration don't go well with impatience and laziness and, unfortunately due to a high quantity of these in my personality composition, I just find myself with piles of half written "novels" and lyrics without music (so, er, poems) with the intention of one day actually making them into masterpieces. There is honestly no danger that I may be the next Enid Blyton, Madonna or Keira Knightley. In fact, it's a miracle my blog hasn't run dry and shrivelled up yet, it's almost lasted longer than my Bebo account. However, it's ok that I turn every brainchild into a fleeting fad because I've been thinking about 3 people who have enough go- getting to make up for my lack of contribution to the arts of this world. So seeing as I can't be bothered to go and keep trying to become the world's dancemat champion, I'll just sit here and tell you about them. Even though 2 of them are probably the only 2 people who actually read my blog anyway.


Sorry Brooke, but you should've seen that coming. I see Brooke as being very similar to the person I'd be if I actually did all the things I wanted to do. Apart from the fact she's read all the books I've been meaning to read, knows how to produce music on the computer (a skill I lost after the single materpiece my brother I produced for my GCSE music coursework) and can play the guitar to open mic standard, she whacked out The Balcony Club which is what actually started this whole blog whirring in my mind. If anyone I know now grows up to be famous, it will be Brooke. And I should probably take this moment to publicly apologise to Brooke for slowly stealing her identity as it is really from her influence I developed my love for indie music, decided to start blogging and through her shining example decided to be teetotal.
Anyway, see for yourself:

Ok, the next person I feel slightly less odd gushing about, cos I know they won't be too modest to accept my compliments :P To back up this claim, I was moaning to her about how I was worried I wouldn't make friends at uni. Her reply: "Well, you probably will make friends cos your quite like me and I have loads of friends". *cueeyeroll*


Claire succeeded in this whole acting thing whereas I never even begun trying, despite being a slight drama queen. I was looking through old family photos and I come to an album called "Claire" (funnily enough). Inside, it's "Claire as a babe in babes in the wood", "Claire as Cinderella in year 6 panto", "Claire as lead role in Redroofs ballet play" etc etc. The closest you get of me in my (half of an) album is me as a 5 year old, wearing a leotard and looking gormless while the rest of the ballet class have pointed toes and extended arms. Anyway, back to Claire... on top of her theatrical side, she's also grade 8 in bassoon (which she went to grade 8 in within a year) and violin and some ridiculous high grade on the piano too. Not to mention she got 12 A*s for her GCSEs and 4 As at Alevel. Oh and not forgetting a first in her pharmacolgy degree. Which she did while intercalating during her medicine degree, meaning she'll be a doctor before I've even read the end of my current book. Added onto that, she has her own house, a side job as a nurse and she can even cook (albeit with a little help from Mr Foreman). She's been to as many countries as I have shopping centres, writes to me pretty much every week (and phones every minute) and is even a member of her church. Oh, where she plays her violin in the band. Anyway, it was her recent ambitions which, added onto Brooke's unveiling of The Balcony Club, made me write this blog. Because, this week she phones me: "Hi Fifi, guess what, I've started a counselling course so I can be trained in counselling. And next Wednesday I'm starting a street jazz class cos I'm doing so well on Weightwatchers, I want to keep it up."

And people wonder why I copy everything she ever does. Hasn't made me a brainiac, musical genius, friend machine yet though...

And lastly, I always take this person for granted then I realised the other day what a superwoman she is.

My mum

Why my mum is an inspiration:
  • she managed to raise 4 children, meaning she had a 0,2,4 and 6 year old all running amok at the same time and a quarter actually turned out normal (joke before my siblings disown me)
  • she quit her job to raise us but worked in oxfam as a volunteer, went back to work as a nursery assistant part time and now, 10ish years later is a deputy headteacher
  • she went to uni aged 17 and was a full time teacher by the time she was 20
  • she has more degrees then I do Alevels and can speak French (used to be fluent) as well as being a mathematician and scientist
  • she has a chapter published in a book ( just to really embarrass her and I will also take this moment to point out how shocked I was when I took this book off her bookshelf to read and found my own mother had written part of it. on asking her about it she goes "oh yea, that" ever so casually)
  • she used to sell dolls in a shop
  • she can knit without looking, sew to shop standard and she paints pictures (which inhabit an entire room in our house, but she doesnt like anyone to see them)
  • she can cook, but not only does she cook but she grows the ingredients in her allotment...
  • where she also keeps bees which she uses to make honey
  • she's also amazing at budgeting, tidying and cleaning and she's read the whole bible from beginning to end more times than I've opened mine (not literally but she knows every bit of bible trivia there is, I tested her with my bible trivia quiz book)
  • lots of other things i find inspiring about her but wouldnt air publicly as she's a private person and i respect that

She always reminds me of the wife in Proverbs 31:10-31.

Anyway, I shall again go, utilize my laziness and wallow a little bit more in my own inadequacy while my family and friends continue to succeed at life.*

The End.

*P.S. I don't mean that seriously before I get showered with pep talks. Maybe this time I'll actually be inspired enough to go and achieve something.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

So the world still exists then...

Like the rest of the world, or anyone with a half educated, news reading particle within their brain matter, I'm worryingly intrigued by the LHC experiment. I'll admit I actually waited with anticipation for today to see if the world did end, I thought it might actually be quite fun to be blasted into oblivion. I think everyone is fairly convinced though that we are still inhabiting our good old earth, we haven't been teleported to a parallel universe. Shame.

I am still frantically trying to get prepared for university but I'm being horrendously hindered by my laziness and internet addiction. Everytime I try and start tidying, I just get distracted.

Other non interesting news...
I'm itching like crazy cos of the stupid mozzie bites which is actually driving me crazy. I literally have over 30 bites.
I'm also frustrated cos there's a dance on the dance mat I just can't nail! I got from an E to a C but I'm still missing at least 11 arrows everytime. I've tried it half speed, with the beats clapped out for me and even without the music but my feet just won't go in the right places.
My "tan" is also peeling but (shh) it's ok cos I'm topping it up with gradual fake tan anyway.
My hip is in pain as I managed to walk into someone's wing mirror today. It was fairly comical as it was a proper posh car and I just barged right into it.
Also funny was me and Jade trying to buy a turnip. Does anyone even know what they look like? Try and imagine one. Go on, I dare you.
I am quite worryingly disturbed by my level of excitement over the new series of casualty. I'm gonna explode just waiting for it.
Anyway I'm off to watch The Sex Education Show cos it looks like a good old comic channel 4 doc...

Monday, September 08, 2008

What happens in Zante stays in Zante... unless I blog about it

I could write a massive long blog about what went on but instead I'll pick out some highlights...

Our free towels...

An unwelcome guest...

Our jiggy jiggies being poured...

Zante's shop mannequins... featuring on next seasons doctor who...

3 guys volunteer... all 3 are blindfolded... made to act out rude stuff... man takes off blindfold and realises the other 2 were told to stop and he'd been doing it all himself...
cheesy disco night...

the band on The Night when everyone got so hammered we ended up in an alleyway and got carried home by the reps (just to add, i personally was not carried)...

the crazy hats we found for neon nights... laura changed race...

the ice cream kit i was going to get as a present for jade before realising all the instructions were in greek...

Dick walked home alone and died... be Harry... but beware... do NOT be like Dick...

And those, are some of the (mentionable) highlights of Zante.

Friday, August 29, 2008

In a bloggy mood...

Widgets & Flash Toys

Tomorrow I am going to Greece!! I can't wait... sun, sea, sand, clubbing, shopping, friends etc etc gonna be so much fun. I'm attempting to pack. I did a sweep of my floordrobe and shoved a load of clothes into a case. Then I realised none of my daytime tops matched my daytime skirts and shorts and none of my nighttime tops matched my nighttime skirts. So I had to completel y repack about 6 times and I'm still not packed. But knowing me I'll end up wearing the same skirt 24/7 anyway.

Anyway now I've actually started blogging I'm not even in the blogging mood anymore. Typical.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Worry and Other Things

Just a forewarning that if you think I'm sulky and moany then don't read this post cos it'll only confirm your views and make you roll your eyes...

It's not too promising, sitting in my bedroom surrounded by absolute chaos; half packed suitcases (3 at the moment), half drank cups of coffee (9 at the moment), half read books (6 at the moment) and just general rubbish which hasn't made its way to the bin. And somehow over the next 4 weeks it has to come into some sort of order. However, my restriction is not time, rathermore my credentials as a lazy arse. And the motivation of university isn't quite enough to get me to move, as I am more frozen with fear then fuelled with excitement.

Next week is the final arrival of the "piss and shag holiday". Despite recent news reports advising to run as far as possible from the place we are going, my quest for sun would extend to the dangers of the sun itself and therefore I'm going to ignore the *cough* small dangers of the place we are going.

I think I should probably be worried that the only remotely sunny item of clothing I own is age 6-7, from the days before just looking outside made me cold. But life (and financial supply) is too short to do much, so I will make do with my one bikini (which I have owned for a year and a half and worn once) and spend the rest of the time in bed.

I'm also worried about my Euro supply; note to self: 50 year old mothers do not understand that a night out costs. I am also worried about my lack of bikini body. Or more the fact that I am just too lazy to de-fuzz, moisturize and fake bake. And as for the wobbliness, it'll only get worse through the week with alcohol and crisp consumption so I may as well embrace it. And I say that with less sincerity then I think I've ever said anything.

So just this week to get through, trying to make some halves into wholes and trying to make myself semi presentable for wearing exposing clothes.

Then 2 weeks after Greece to spend worring about more things. I was a bit scared I was going to explode with worry so last Wednesday I wrote a list of things worrying me just about starting uni (not even mentioning stuff at the moment or stuff abou Greece or stuff before or after uni). 44 things. Although I just keep trying to point out to myself that at least I'm going to the uni I want to go to with 44 worries, not some craphole I've been dumped in through clearing. And as long as I don't think about those 44 things then I don't feel too much like I'm going to shrivel up and die. But that's why those 2 weeks are so dangerous, too much time to think about them. See, I really do worry so much that I worry about the amount I worry.

Anyway I'm still in my PJs and it's 6 oclock so I'm thinking I should make myself look like I've washed even though I'm actually a smelly beggar. So I'm gonna go and sulk and be negative while I dry shampoo my hair and listen to songs about rain and bridges and wonder how I'm gonna cope when I'm in this sort of mood and am in Sheffield, 3 hours away up from anyone who gives a damn.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

quite possibly the biggest anti climax ever to occur

Thursday 14th August. The most awaited day of my life so far. Because of course my whole future rests on it and I'll quite literally DIE if I don't get the grades I want...


I got AAC the highlights of which are 4 marks off a B for German, full marks in one psychology exam and a resounding D in another. But it's all good, UCAS this morning read: Congratulations! Your place at Sheffield to do Psychology has been confirmed.

It'd be great if I was awake enough to even register the significance of this but thanks to last night's celebrations I'm still in a state of sleep.

I had a lovely stress over the fact my parents wouldn't let me go out with my friends for lunch to celebrate but it all made sense when Rachel turned up on the doorstep for a surprise visit... So now I have both my girlie sibs over and they are probably both extremely thankful they are not being used to console.

We also got our yearbooks this morning. 2 small problems. 1. On my entry it has my old blog address which is now a porn site. Hence my entry that people can read for years to come fundamentally reads: "If you want to stay in touch you can contact me through"
2. I put my current email address without realising it's actually my school email and will be inactive within the next 6 months.
So I'm now officially contactable only through an inactive email account and a porn site... oh well...

Anyway I now have a million things to think about like accommodation, packing stuff, finance stuff and all other things which come under the umbrella of mysterious university stuff which I really don't care about after a night of about an hours sleep but I figure aren't going to matter for at least a few weeks yet and besides last minute is the best way to go.

Anyway, I'm off to Soul Survivor on Saturday for yet more camping :S then Liverpool for Claire's housewarming then hopefully Cambridge to see my GORGEOUS boy and then Greece because I hear God invented something called a sun which is warm and gives off heat and is nice and I hear there's some of it in Greece so I'm def there.

The end, I am going to stumble into bed to die for a few hours...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

New Wine Happy List

So the happy list... with a few not-happy-at-the-time-but-you've-gotta-love-cos-it's-all-part-of-the-camping-fun stuff...

* Wearing wellies everywhere
* Drinking hot chocolate in the Tearfund cafe
* Snuggling up in the corner
* Making out on the special step by the stream and getting moved on by stewards (coughtwicecough)
* Late night chats
* Hearing lots of "oh my gosh" "oh my word" and "oh my life"
* Seeing people just standing in the middle of the street praying
* Singing the same 5 songs over, and over and over... and over
* Changing the words to songs (my bum aches...)
* Browsing the marketplace (every day, until you realise it doesn't actually get interesting no matter how many times you go)
* Driving round Bath 5 times just trying to get out of it
* Stalling in the car park on a nearly verticle slope and rolling backwards and nearly dying
* Dressing up as pirates and being chased by 600 13 year olds
* Avoiding the gungematic3000 by singing very badly in kareoke
* Going to the catering tent and realising it's rice and salad... for the 6th time
* Muddy clothes, muddy shoes, muddy legs, muddy tent, muddy bag etc
* Damp clothes, damp shoes, damp legs, damp tent, damp bag etc
* Random people coming and saying "hi fi" and trying to figure out who they are
* Raving it at Yfriday gig
* Really not raving it in Flava
* Hanging out with random YFOne people
* Blagging free stuff
* Meeting random people who have multiple names and sharing testimonies
* Getting woken up at 6 in the morning by little kids shouting "freddie freddie, race me around the field 20 times"
* Getting cycled/walked/ driven into several times per day
* Being cold all the time
* Being wet all the time
* Running out of clean clothes
* Running madly to the toilet before sessions
* Running madly out to the toilet during sessions
* Running madly to the toilet at the end of sessions
* Getting accosted in Costa by New Wine woman
* Playing spot the New Winer in Bath
* Driving past the largest Tesco in the world without seeing it
* Asking where Pizza Hut is whilst ignorantly standing across the road from it
* Losing car keys in the middle of a large field... somewhere
* Losing track of the year let alone the month, day and time
* Attempting to fit 2 people and 20 cases in one small tent
* Attempting to stay friends whilst fitting 2 people and 20 cases in one small tent
* 2 Tshirts for the whole week
* "Showering" (enough said)
* Befriending random old men
* Going to seminars which look interesting on the tin but are actually really not
* Going to seminars which are actually hilarious
* Singing and dancing at every opportune moment
* Having a tent collapse on your head at regular intervals
* Getting "down with da kids" and learning all the emo lingo
* Playing 'guess what used to be in this cup and you can win it' game... (my makeshift entertainment)
* The camping spots (you know the ones that are only gross enough to appear when camping)
* Toilets which shower you as well in the process of flushing
* Afternoon naps
* "Soaking" (also known as sleeping) in the prayer tent
* Skiving off clean up (:P)
* Doughnuts. Enough said.
* Gum. Also enough said.
* Waving madly at the Massai tribe men
* Glaring confusedly at TBC
* Giving up on any luxury beauty regimes after day 2
* Being general loons for a whole fornight

Ah, there is so much more... i think the new wine happy list is never ending...
anyway... it basically gets a tentative thumbs up but I'm not exactly mourning over the loss of snuggling into a bed which is actually a wet sleeping bag and a lumpy pillow.

Lalala the end.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I think, I am about to die laughing. I just found a box in the loft and written on it was "Fiona Personal" so obviously I had to have a look... I found a letter from Claire from about 4 years ago when we had our own secret language. It reads:

heebee! heeyee? Ieemee gee gee. Iee dee dee mee veeleepeeteesee. veeanee ceedlee. Soe Soe see snugee. HEEVEEGEEWEE!! Fleevee. Seesee leelee bree bree cheisee aee weepee! geegeepneeteegeemee! Beehee!


I can only presume that once upon a time this was an intelligible half of a conversation. I wish I knew what it said. Anyway, laughter aside there was some really sentimental stuff in that box... it's funny how you can completely forget stuff.

So byee foree nowee!

Camping, confusion and other random crap

There is a small amount of sanity left in my life at the moment. I think.

Monday I got chased by a police car (ok, ok followed more than chased), and on tuesday whilst still actually asleep (ok, ok not actually) I went to toddler club and discovered that toddlers are actually taking over the world (ok, ok not the world but definitely Maidenhead). I then ended up playing catch whilst sitting cross legged with one arm behind my back in a place I didn't even know existed. Anyway all of this was topped off with my toilet trip that was interrupted by a random man standing on my roof and looking in. (Ok, ok he wasn't random he was the window cleaner but I promise you it is very confusing at 9 in the morning having a pair of legs walk past your bathroom window.)

This, mixed with Brooke's random burglary anecdotes, a bit of alcohol here and there and the general stress of life, has all contributed to my current, rather confused state.

Anyway, more pressing matters remain. The day after tomorrow I'm going camping for 2 weeks. Based on my extensive camping experience I can only assume that over the next 2 weeks I shall:

- Suffer extreme internet withdrawal symptoms
- Get woken up at ridiculous hours by screaming children
- Have more spots than face
- Kneel on something breakable due to the smallness (and messiness) of the tent
- Run out of clean/dry clothes
- End up with everything inside my tent wet
- Use more dry shampoo then real shampoo
- Be a general minging unhygenic mess
- Have to cope without phone and ipod
- Realise I've forgotten something essential and cry for a long time
- Watch my tent blow away

So, when I haven't updated my blog for an entire fortnight, when the most awful pictures of me are left tagged and when status isn't telling the world the latest pointless bit of information about my day then be assure, I am not dead, it is far more likely that I am indulging in the luxuries listed above.

And probably my next post on here (unless I blog tomoro) will be telling everyone whether I am going to uni, travelling the world or living in my sister's basement next year.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Lancaster Adventure

Just keep saying it with me... "life would be boring if it wasn't crap and complicated" I seem to be reassuring myself with these words on a ridiculously regualar basis, so if you'd like to be a companion to my complaining then I welcome you with open arms.

Anyway, my week... like absolute emotional whateverthewordis. There were definitely a few times I thought I'd die/lose sanity/hibernate etc...

Firstly, what they say is true- Lancaster is not the most desirable place to live (now, this is a watered down version of my true opinion as I am risking ever being talked to by my sister again by writing this) says it all really, at least all that I'd want to say... but apart from that, a town with more Subways than churches speaks for itself. I eventually got there, (the usual train journey with smelly, loud people, you know the drill) and had to walk about 3000 miles to the Lancaster campus. After another 50 miles across campus we went into the stench chamber which is apparently actually a kitchen, but I couldn't make out the kitcheness through all the mould. Monday evening we went out to Lancaster town... "Toast" was definitely an improvement on Skanky Hoes (aka Smokey Joes, Maidenheads best offering of drunken studentness). I was upset to find the next morning I no longer had half of my phone and a mortified a few days later when a randomer said "Oh, I remember you"... something about a hat and a kebab shop... anyway, don't get me wrong, it was all innocent fun... for some of us at least... it confuses me a hell of a lot when a lesbian and a gay get off with each other... apparently it's not sexual, it's 'just fun'. I'm not gonna let my mind wonder that any further... so that was monday night. I 'slept' in the living room in the student halls. It worried me slightly the next day when Rachel said "did you wake up with anyone next to you?" I replied "what?! No!!" and then realised she actually meant her flatmate who had been sleeping for the past 2 weeks where I had slept.

Tuesday and all that happened on Tuesday will forever remain top secret which noone shall ever know about. Apart from the secret stuff, me and Rach went back to her old house to get all her stuff which was left in her old house. It was all in the dark damp basement, cue us coming up and down ome rickety stairs carrying up boxes of mouldy crap for an hour or two. As if I wasn't already dead enough, Rach then took me to her Taekwondo class where I did a lot of kicking. If anyone tries to attack me now, they'd better watch out cos I know self defence :P
So we moved all of this crap to the "summer house" which in my opinion is just a brick tent. It took us 3 days to figure out how to turn the shower on (definitely don't ask if I showered at all cos the answer is not nice), I had to go on a whole shopping trip just for bog roll, Rach couldn't find the kettle so we had to make tea and coffee with a saucepan. I should really have cleaned it first as baked beans flavoured hot chocolate is the definition of rank.

Wednesday we went to Manchester and got our haircut and shopped. We went to Affleck's Palace which is some alternative shopping centre where they sell bongs and studded belts. Ironically, everyone who goes there does so in order to buy unique and unconventional clothing, yet everyone inside looks the same with the same sort of goth/emo/nurave look going on and actually, they aren't being original at all.

Thursday we went into Lancaster and 'shopped' before seeing Wanted and Hancock. Both good films except it was so, so cold in the cinema I have nearly lost all 10 toes to frostbite.

Friday (ie today) Rachel stayed in bed till 1 with a roaring hangover, I got up at 10 and tidied the house. Then we went into Lancaster again, I got my nose pierced totally on the spur of the moment then we went to what we thought was an NHS walk in centre but was actually a needle exchange centre for druggies, so I was careful not to touch anything while Rachel tried to explain she wasn't a druggie and just wanted to see a doctor and then I came home (another long boring journey with the mandatory platform alterations at Wolverhampton leading to dashing up a thousand stairs with a heavy suitcase and the typical falling asleep on the train and nearly missing the stop.) I did however manage to finish my books which is great, 5 baptism books down, 2 to go!)

I know it doesn't sound "killmenow" worthy but it's been a hard week emotionally. I've had to make some tough decisions (which I have still not managed to make), accept some harsh truths and put up with some tedious health problems and all of that added onto my tenous emotional state at the best of times and looming results which I CANNOT relax about and it is really really a recipe for disaster.

Anyway as much as I love my sister (even if I can't do anything 'right') I am so glad to be home where I have a kettle, heating, toilet roll, the internet, a TV, friends, sheets on my bed (actually I don't but at least I have the choice to!), MY stuff and just general maidenheadness which is amazingly easy to miss. Sadly, I only have all of this until Friday at which point I subject myself to a fortnight's worth of kettle, heating, loo roll, internet, tv and bed lacking all over again.

So, just join with me once again, "life would be boring if it wasn't crap and complicated".

Saturday, July 05, 2008

How NOT to wash a car...

So, seeing as I park my car under a tree as it's the only convenient spot on my road, it's acquired a second skin composed of bird crap, berries and some questionable brown stuff. It was getting worse than usual, not being one to care about the odd bit of grime, you can imagine how disgusting my car looked. Now, it's a sunny day and I'm not exactly rushed off my feet with exciting activities so I thought I'd be responsible and attempt to wash off some of the yuck... attempt being the operative word. A bucket of water mixed with fairy liquid (what are you supposed to use?) later, I started scrubbing the bird poo which unfortunately was pretty encrusted on the bonnet due to the amount of time it's been there. A lesson to everyone: trying to wash bird poo off a car in a mini skirt with fairy liquid just doesn't work. I couldn't figure out how to get all the foamy bits off and my feet got all wet and it just wasn't fun. So my car is now very soapy, half washed with remnants of bird poo from one end to the other. So I did the only logical thing; went and parked it back under the tree.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I have a question... which I would love people to respond, I'm just asking out of interest and curiosity.

Why is it so hard for people to believe there's a God?

If we were just a product of science, an illusion or even created by our own existentialist minds then why should we even consider that there may be a God? Where could this idea have come from and what component of our assumed selves would be questioning its existence?

People saw and experienced God. If Adam and Eve could see us now I think they’d be baffled at the way people debate over God’s existence, they’d be like er… we had lunch with him yesterday, what’re you on about he might not exist?!

Someone once said (yup, no idea who) "if Jesus didn't exist, I'd worship the man who created him". Jesus' character is incredible. His answers to the questions people asked him, his speeches and teachings and his perfection. The very doctrine of his death and resurrection which fits so aptly to the need for redemption. And his humble beginnings through a virgin birth which explains so much of his character and nature. How could anyone ever concoct such a coherent and undisprovable explanation of a higher being? I don't believe human beings have the capacity to produce such things from their own minds. Otherwise there would be a new religion every week, started by another philosopher who thinks of another possible God. That's why Jesus is so unbelievable in the first place and where our requirement for faith comes from- if he was conceived through a human mind then he would fit nicely into the human mind box and there'd be no need to doubt him. The fact Jesus is external to our minds explains in itself why our minds cannot comprehend him.

Language, Geography, Maths, Science etc. Where from and why? In the sense of their complexity and composition. How can whole equations and theories be derived from nothing? There's an obvious need for a creator. Think Paley's watch (or perhaps for some 'google' Paley's watch.)

Following on from that are the qualities we have. The bible says we are "made in God's image". I find it sensible to assume our creativity comes from a creator, our ability to love comes from the God of love (1 John 4:16: "God is love"), our ability to care comes from the Counsellor (Isaiah 9:6), and our existence comes from the Life (John 14:6). The list goes on and on. Which leads to a possibly fair assumption that if God is eternal (Deuteronomy 33:27) then we also should have the capacity to be eternal. Something which science cannot offer as it is subject to it's own laws which certainly don't allow for eternity. (Laws of thermodynamics- take the 2nd law, we're losing energy therefore our universe is finite) nice site about it here:

Why do we have a sense of right and wrong? It's a debated subject but as we're aside from the complex debates let's just consider it for a moment, why do we feel some things are just plain wrong? There must be some moral standard we are falling short of. Leading on from that, why is anything considered good? Where does goodness come from and more to the point, how can anything be universally good? It doesn't make sense to presume that nothing motivates our morals.

This leads onto our need for justice. Without eternal judgement, we face many injustices (think how people can feel when a criminal commits suicide and so avoids a life prison sentence). Without Jesus, where is the atonement we intrinsically feel the need for?

If we are unspiritual beings, where does our capacity to worship come from?

Our existence. Why are we here, what's our purpose and why should we have to suffer if we are only here for the sake of reproduction? Why would a scientific system involve suffering. Or is that an illusion? But then why would we create our own suffering? Instead of disproving God, suffering seems to be much more likely if there is a God. This is explained particularly well in the book by Stephen Gaukroger called It Makes Sense.

Prayer. Why do prayers get answered, why do we see healings? If it's a result of positive thinking then where's this positivity coming from? A chemical reaction? Our minds? But do our mind even exist or are we purely physical. Where's the line between physical and mental? Spiritual?

Is it really possible that the majority of the world's population (lumping together all theists there) are deluded? And if they are, what is the 'truth' to which they are being deluded of? As we cannot apply our own perceptions to a universal truth. So what is the truth we are being deluded of? A non- existent God? But if it doesn't exist then that's not a truth, it's nothing. So we are being deluded of nothingness. Maybe science is the external truth of which we are deluded from. But what about the changing of scientific theories? It can't be a truth if it isn't true for all people at all times. Or were they all deluded too and it's only the modern man who believes in the big bang who isn't deluded.

The sustainability of the bible. How has it lasted so long and spread so far. A power behind it?

A great trump card for religion (not faith as Dawkins suggests, a quote I love: "sooner or later Christians pull out the trump card of faith" serious lols but that's a whole other can of worms) anyway, a great trump card is the fact it has not (and potentially even cannot) be disproved. The greatest minds, the most modern technology and the most intelligent theories cannot rule of the possibility of God. In fact some have made the possibility stronger and many even rely of the assumption of the existence of a higher being in order to cohere. Surely if God didn't exist we would have figured it out by now. To be fair we've had at the very least 6000 years to figure it out and hundreds of millions of minds to ponder over it.

And finally if all sense of reason fails, isn't it just a safer bet to assume there is a God (i.e. Pascal's wager).

And that ^^^, is why I cannot understand why people have such a hard time getting their minds around the possibility of a God. That is, assuming we actually have a mind.

I'd like to point out that I'm fully aware that there are counter arguments to all of the points I've made, some of which I've mentioned, but I've deliberately chosen to put across a biased opinion as I'm not really looking for a debate, I'm just pointing out why from one point of view it's easy to see that God exists. Just thought I'd point that out so it doesn't come across that I'm in my own little intolerant world of fantasy. :P On that note, I've read the counter arguments, I've listened to Dawkins and I've debated with many an atheist yet I'm still more swayed by the pro-God arguments. I wonder why that could be...

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Dear Mr President...

"Dear Mr President"
Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?