Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Getting Permanently Inked

So... that is a photo of my "permanent body mutilation" as my brother calls it. I am still so very paranoid I have had a permanent tattoo of the wrong reference and I keep checking in my bible that I have the right number of 'o's in Deuteronomy and that it is in fact 6:5 which says about loving God and not a verse about women being unclean during menstruation. So far, so good.

I have further worries.
Such as what happens if it rubs off. Apparently the next 6 weeks are paramount to ensure it stays put and i'm not allowed to soak it in water for those weeks. Kind of a problem then that it was a baptism present and soaking in a big tub of water is exactly what I will be doing on sunday morning. Let's hope my spiritual cleansing doesn't become a tattoo cleansing as well.
Also worried... what if I get fat? Or get thin? Or have babies? Or in fact, just stretch too far (very disconcerting when the tattooist says: "dont tense your stomach muscles". Am I going to end up having deeeuuuttteerrroooonnnooommmooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo across my stomach or is it going to become a blob of black ink? Oh dear...

So I have deffo planned my next one... my next ones gonna be a secret one :P

Anyway... so I got it done in a nice place and watched as if my life depended on it, the moment that the needle was extracted from the packaging, just to, you know, make sure. Then I lay down and started watching the CCTV camera as if it were the best ever hollyoaks episode and listened with severe intent to the radio show. Then the buzzing began *cue jaws music* and i waited for the pain. but it was actually ok. i know everyone makes such a big deal about it hurting like hell but it was kind of a sharp tickle. no worse than epilating. in fact i'd say less painful!
So it was fine, ignore anyone who says it hurts, unless theyve got one in which case they are just wimpy... although when the 'D' was being done it was rather uncomfortable as it went over the bone but it was otherwise fine.

But on a serious note, for me it is about the meaning of the tattoo. the verse is:

Deuteronomy 6:5 (New International Version)
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

And it is my way of saying I will love God forever, permanently and it echoes my baptism on sunday when I say the same thing by being dunked in a big pot of water...

forget circumcision, it's all about the tattoos

and for the record i got it done at eve's tattoo parlour in marlow.

now... how do i break it to my dad?

Monday, March 24, 2008

My Big Whopper Kill-Me-Now Eek Grr To Do List

Argh so much to do and so little time...
Apparently we have 17 German lessons left. Which leaves 12 after this week...
And that is not enough...

My stress-o-meter has gone from "mildly stressed" to "oh my gosh i can't cope and i have so much to do and so little time and the whole world is going to end any minute".

Things to do:

1. Finish writing my essay entitled: "how important was the role of Martin Luther during the reformation?" In German. Admittedly I have had help from my sister, who chose to research the role of Martin Luther King during the Reformation. So helpful. Not.

2. Figure out what exactly I am going to say in front of over 100 people next Sunday, explaining why I am getting dunked in a box of water, in the middle of a church service. I know why I'm doing it but when you try and put it in words (understandable to people of all ages and intellects) it is so hard to actually say anything that makes sense. Add onto that the fact that I am incapable of speaking publicly without curling up and dying...well, going bright red at least and I just can't bring myself to practice in the mirror...

3. Learn everything I am supposed to have learnt in psychology so far. Luckily, I only actually need a D or something in my end of year exams to still have an A thanks to coursework and AS results but I still think it would do my heart rate a bit of good to actually know anything about Piaget, Schizophrenia or Relationships. Anyway, I have my new highlighters so everything should be just fine... I'm just concerned I've left my revision freak out too late this year.

4. Get rid of the extra few pounds I have accumulated this past week:

Easter chocolate
+ mother baking extravagent meals because it's her easter hols
+ weather too mank to walk or cycle anywhere
+ bank holidays so the gym is closed (and too expensive anyway)
+ comfort eating due to revision stress
+ my ever esculating addiction to hot chocolate
+ other unmentionable on public domain factor
= Lots of unwanted fat and double sized love handles ("love" handles, my ass... dont think there's anything I could hate more)

So, if anyone fancies
a) teaching my mum to cook low calorie meals
b) making the weather hot and sunny
c) making they gym cheaper
d) helping me revise
e) hypnotising me to help me give up hot chocolate
then I will love you forever as will my wardrobe which will fit me again, my photos which won't offend me as much and my stomach which won't be wondering what the hell is going on.

5. Tidy my room. Pictures of the state it is in are posted a few posts earlier.
Current problems with the mess are:
  • It takes me 15 minutes to find a pair of tights which don't have a hole in,
  • I kneel in my eyeshadow every morning,
  • I step on my CDs every night,
  • My matress is all scratchy cos it has no sheets,
  • My books and sheets I need to pass my exams are buried in there somewhere
  • I'm sure I'd be £100 richer if I collected up all the escaped coins
  • The mould on the cups is growing mould
  • There's so much stuff between me and my mirror that I'm having to guess the success of my outfits
  • I've lost anything anyone has ever lent me, it's all buried there somewhere so whenever anyone asks for anything, I can't find it
  • There's a strange noise coming from something somewhere...
  • It smells bad (not sure about admitting to that one...)

6. Make up with my sister. Yes it is truly upsetting she would rather spend easter day in a library than coming to see me but I figure I will have to get over this at some point. I see an immanent phone call.

7. Finish the book I'm reading. Lullaby by Chuck Somethingorother. Sorry Brooke, I dont like it. It is a painful read. I have woken up at 5 in the morning and the light still on with the book across my face cos it has sent me to sleep mid sentence. It has given me nightmares. I just don't understand what is happening half the time. etc etc. But I hate not finishing books. And I want to know what happens. So, that's something I've got to do.

8. Learn my german oral. It's my first exam. It's quite possibly next month. But I keep forgetting what my topic even is.

9. Understand Hamlet. Enough said. I dont give a damn about the relationship between Hamlet and Ophelia but apparently I need to know cos there's some big exam that I need an A in or something... *rolls eyes*

10. Understand all the other literature... e.g. The French Lieutenants Woman, Wuthering Heights... and just generally understand what English lit/lang is all about... except of course seeing the teacher's holiday photos. Obviously what I need to be spending my precious last few english lessons doing.

11. Buy a cucumber. My cucumber 'got finished' today and I'm not sure I can make it through the week without another one.

12. Go to school Apparently I dont go enough or something. Not sure where that idea came from...

13. Send off the forms that I need to send off. No scrap that... Find the forms I'm supposed to have sent off and then send them off.

14. Wash some clothes. Due to the problem of point 5, I do not have many clean clothes left and due to point 4 any I do have won't do up. So I need to actually do some washing.

15. Devirus my computer. It's deffo diseased in some way cos it dies every five minutes.

16. Figure out what I actually want. In about 5 different areas of my life atm I'm stuggling to know what I actually want which makes achieving anything difficult.

There are definitely more things I need to do. But I am also thinking that writing them down in a list isn't helping them get done any quicker. The problem is I dont want to do any of them... I need like a personal butt kicker who can follow me around and whip me when I start flagging. But don't we all?!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Curse of the Scary Hair

So, my first bunch of posts were funny little stories where I tried to sound all witty and interesting. Then, typically, I got all ranty. So now I'm in a good mood again I'll write something funny.

So, there's this hair on my arm. Just one hair. It's really fair and blonde (unfortunately it is unlike the rest of the hair on my arms, I am a member of the Hairy Armed Brigade) Anyway, this one hair grows really really long.
It freaks me out a bit. Jade tries to pull it out when I'm not looking. So if you ever hear me suddenly scream and jump 50 yards in the air, you'll know that Jade is on a hair plucking mission.
I'm just not sure what to do with it.
Trim it?
Last night I decided to measure it. (Something to do with it at least)
Cos it seemed to be getting pretty long.


Who has one random 7 centimeter strand of hair growing out of their arm?

*raises hand* I do!

Will anyone ever love me with this insane monstrosity?
What if all my hairs on my arm decide to grow to 7 cms long?
What if it is a symptom of some awful disease?
Why me?

So many questions.

I would post a picture but:

1. It's so fair it is barely noticeableand wouldn't show up with my crappy camera
2. If it did show up on camera, it might look worse than it actually does, which would be embarrassing.
3. It's kinda personal.
4. You'd see how hairy the rest of my arms are.
5. It sits among my arm acne. Which you most certainly do not want to see.
6. Well it's a long hair. If I were to photograph it and post it on the internet that would make me even weirder than having a long hair on my arm already makes me.

The end

*That is not an exagerration. It is actually 7 whole centimetres.

Friday, March 21, 2008

dear god/ fairy godmother/ aladdin/ santa/ karma/ anyone...

pretty please can i look like this:

and have a boyfriend like any of these...

i promise to be good forevermore!

Love me

quite frankly piddled off with everything

you know the days?
like when you have so much work to do...
you would need to use both hands to have enough fingers to count on the number of people hacking you off...
you start imagining kissing the most uneligible bloke in the world cos it's been that long...
when it is just a little bit too difficult to do up the button on the old trousers...
when you dont have enough money to buy a newspaper...
when there is so much crap on your desk you can't find anything you actually need...
when people who you should be able to rely on let you down...
you keep forgetting the meaning of life...
which makes you wonder what's the point at all...
you stop looking forward to the things you should be looking forward to...
when it's been weeks and weeks since your last decent sleep...
when you keep crying for no actual reason...
when you just want to sit and do nothing but there's too much to do...
when it's raining too hard to leave the house...
and you are just so generally fed up and irritable and stressed etc etc
... yea you know those days??
hugs will be greatfully accepted.


that is officially NO time to be woken by loud parents in the morning. there's me, creeping in at 1 ish in the morning, being so careful not to make a sound. then they go and put on their music sooooooooooooooooo early... on MY FRIDAY OFF. grrrrrrrrr
and it's not even good music.
anyway im awake now (no kidding) and lamenting the facts that:
1) there is no cereal
2) i have definitely put on weight
3) i have a ton of work to do
4) everything everywhere is a mess (see bedroom blog)
5) last nights make up is embessed in my face and i look like a zombie
6) i generally feel crap...

so yea i need cheering up...


Thursday, March 20, 2008

forget the pudding, all the proof you need is on my bedroom floor

so in psych yesterday, dr cav asked everyone what their OCD tendency is. i dont think i have one. and i think my bedroom is the best proof that if i do have one it certainly is not cleanliness!!

anyway, brooke has been desperate to see my bedroom so yea, i took some pictures. enjoy!

so yes, in my eyes it must be official.
i am absolutely not anal.
the end

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

it's official... jade is a fatty

so today...
omgsh i am one stroppy cow... it's so true. my poor, poor friends. anyway... im a little less stroppy now... almost approachable in fact.

so me and jade attempted once again to find something sparkly for this party.
we found aero hot chocolate.
we found baguettes.
we found hoodies.
we found shampoo.
and we found saxony in sainsburys.

but did we find something sparkly?

actually, jade did. she found a sparkly top, £7 from topshop.
size 16.
we did know it looked like a tent before she bought it.
but when Jade knows what Jade wants there is no stopping her.
soshe bought the top.
despite several missing gems.
and the fact it was 5 sizes too big.

so jade gets out her sewing maching back at home and sews up her curtains.
then she puts away her sewing machine.
then she remembers that she actually got it out in the first place to sew the top.
so she got it back out again. (while all this was happening i have been craving hot chocolate more and more and playing random music off youtube.)
so anyway. jade delves right in and starts sewing the top up in, dare i say it, a fairly haphazard fashion.
anyway 5 minutes later there is a bra clad jade trying to get a size 16 top further on than her nose. eventually she gets it down and asks me to do it up. i ponder whether to let her know that it really will not do up.

so attempt number two. back to the sewing machine...
a bit of sewing later and jade tries it on again. this time jade asks me to do it up. she clenches her boobs tightly to make as much space as possible and i manage to do up the button. cue jade dancing around. cue the button flying through the air. you know those moments when the button pops. jades face was almost as funny as the event itself. anyway. you will be pleased to know that jade fixed it and now has a top to wear to wear to the sparkly party. which is more than i can say for myself :S

anyway. now we are going for some drinks at the harvester. as soon as i've persuaded jade to put some clothes on.
the end

a lesson to all

so i get this pretty cool bible notes called "the word 4u 2day". it comes through my door every 3 months and has a little papragraph of writing for each day.
i liked the one for monday 17th march so much that i ripped it out and it has been sitting in my pinafore pocket for the last 3 days (yes ok i should really change my clothes more often)

anyway i am going to share it on here. despite the fact i am sure that the only reason it was ever printed in the booklet was so i would read it, i am sure that actually it was meant for almost everyone... still i felt pretty convicted reading it. so anyway here is your lesson for today:

You said! "I am watching over My word to perform it." JEREMIAH 1:12 (NAS)
Are you struggling with a habit so stubborn that it has a life of its own? Getting our heads round the promises in the Bible can make a big difference. 'I am watching over MY word to perform it' (Jeremiah 1:12.) In other words God says: 'trust me. I'm on it'. Sometimes the strength we need comes when we remind ourselves and God what He has said. So begin each day by praying:'Lord, the Bible says that if I call on You, You will answer me; You will be with me in trouble' (Psalm 91:15). You said that the power of the Holy Spirit deep inside me would set free from being endlessly caught up in temptation, sin and failure (Romans 8:2). You said if I fully commit my life to You, I'd have the strength to stand up to the devil and he would flee from me (James 4:7). You said You've given me the power to deal with the wrong thoughts and ideas that peck my head (2 Corinthians 10:5). You said that my self-worth would be based solely on Your love for me; and that You would do immeasurably more than I could ask or think because You are at work in me (Ephesians 3:14-21). Today I thank You for helping me to overcome this habit. In Christ's name, amen.'

and that is available from


Amen brother :P

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

a valuable lesson for today

advice= good.

ask advice always*

ask your doctor for advice
ask your friends for advice
ask your teachers for advice
ask God for advice
ask random strangers for advice
heck, phone the advice hotline on the back of the toothbrush tube and ask for advice

advice= good.

*NB ask advice but dont always follow it.
1st rule of advice: 80% of advice is from people who think they are great and know everything and is absolutely useless and should be overidden by your instinct** 20% of advice is from wise amazing people who can change your life and should be followed no matter the cost to you...
if only we were all great at discerning which bit belongs to which category... but im beginning to learn that if you stumble upon advice which falls in the 20% then it usually comes with this amazing feeling of conviction that you have to do it.

**for good examples of this, youtube Gillian McKeith

anyway, it's your choice. take my advice and ask for advice or dont take my advice and refuse to be advised (then risk becoming the perpertrator of the 80% category advice)

the end

yes it's true i am a back stabbing, betraying bitch

lol well not really... i did just drink some pepsi max though... oh how do i deserve to ever find coca cola for 39p a bottle again?!

i would like to add that i am very very cold at this precise moment.

and brooke: Iceland sell golden nuggets. oh the scandal.

my mood at the moment is happy.

i have had a good day... i thought when i woke up this morning that i was actually dead but alas i was still breathing and feeling much pain as i discovered thanks to the metal bit on my bed. not to mention the amazing pain my alarm brings ti my ears every morning.

anyway, i had triple german. i thought well im not dead but surely this will kill me? hour one= exam paper... :S thankfully some 'idiot' decided to set off the fire alarm... always nice to have a break during torture...
hour two= luckily (again... lucky day hey!) the german homework i scribbled over breakfast was actually adequate... relief... i got up at 7 to do that!
hour three= teacher was absent so had a fantastic hour discussing boys, future, God and religion and everything else ever... entirely amusing topped off with Rozi falling over the recycling bin... made my day...

psychology= yet another teacher doing a disappearing act so spent an hour discussing sex (yes pretty much just sex, with a little bit of boys mentioned as well) with some cool people... daisy and cat namely...
was quite funny to watch the sliding scale of "easy" (her words not mine) Lizzie to "i hate boys eek" me with daisy and cat falling in the middle... a fairly diverse conversation really.

anyway, me and jade then went to slough for a crazy primark dash to try and find something, no in fact anything, sparkly. resorted to sparkly spray cos apparently sparkles are not in fashion.

anyway then i came home and attempted to come to some sort of decision about my life which seems to have been productive as i now know have a decision about what to do...

so fairly good really...

im now making a cd for brooke and thinking i should do some work. however i have also just remembered that holbyblue is on to night which almost curbs the pain from the end of series of Supersize vs superskinny.

so im going to go now,

have my dinner.

drink more... dun dun dunnnnnnn.... pepsi max

finish making this CD

open the book about schizophrenia (psych btw, not self help :P)

and watch TV...

they dont call me wonderwoman for nothing (ok yes, i admit, "they" is actually just my dad)

the end

no really

the actual end....


Sunday, March 16, 2008

*stupid guffawing laugh*

soooo my weekend... noone really wants to hear about it... but you never know... someone might read this...and it might be so good i could get talent scouted... and whisked off to hollywood... no...? hmph never mind then...

so 60's party?


oh yes...
damn, how do i get it the right way up? hmmm you'll have to tilt your head...
anyway that's my 60s attire. you would be right in wondering why my sister is dressed in 50's clothing. well let's just say its typical of our family and leave it at that...
except it's possibly official to say i have actually done something right for once in my life...
better than my other sister who didnt even know it was 60s.

anyway it was a fun evening but i cba to write funny stories...
my innocence is shattered by stories of vibrators stuck up men's bums and seeing my brother chain smoke all evening (almost as bad as his singing)
drunk people are funny. being sober around them is funnier.

anyway. this blog has died. the life of it within my head has shrivelled to nothing and there is no enthusiasm left in what i type. so im gonna shut up and update it when i have something amusing to say.

the end

Saturday, March 01, 2008

My God's Story

On 30th March 2008 I got baptised. Since then I have been on the most incredible journey; learning a lot about myself and the world we live in and discovering God's plan for how myself and this world are to interact.

This last year I have learnt to accept God's love for me and I am astounded at the greatness and depth of his love; that he could love me despite all my shortcomings. I saw a quote the other day which said: "We learn to love not by being taught to love but by being loved." God called all of us to a life of love- loving him and loving others but for me this calling goes beyond character and into my entire life and career plan as I am stepping into the calling from God to be a social worker. Accepting God's love for me was a stepping stone I needed to reach before I could begin to embark upon fulfilling my calling and now I am firmly on this step, I have begun to explore the realities of working towards social work; starting with the simple act of loving others all the way to the job God has provided for me, giving me perfect work experience.

Being rooted deeply in God's love for me, I have faced many of my insecurities; things which at times left me thinking I would never even live to become a social worker. I feel I have been healed of a lot of the hurt I have experienced; both by my own doing and the things life has just thrown at me and God has been gracious enough to provide changes of my heart, apologies from people where needed and rebuilding of trust all with perfect timings.

When I got baptised, my verse of focus (which was actually spoken prophetically over me by someone who knew nothing of my circumstances) was Song of Songs 2:10-13 “My lover spoke and said to me, "Get up, my darling; let's go away, my beautiful one. Look, the winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Blossoms appear through all the land. The time has come to sing; the cooing of doves is heard in our land. There are young figs on the fig trees, and the blossoms on the vines smell sweet. Get up, my darling; let's go away, my beautiful one."”
This got me thinking a while back, about the white witch's spell upon Narnia which forced it to be always winter, resulting in the Narnians living under the oppression and injustice of the witch's reign. Then, when Aslan comes on the move again, he takes back his rightful reign; the snow melts and the witch loses power, including the ability to use her snow sleigh to chase the Pevensies as there is no longer snow but grass. Things start to grow again where it had once been too cold and the animals are free to roam once more.
I had felt like I had been stuck in winter for so, so long, then once I surrendered to God at my baptism, it was literally like the snow melted and as I moved away from the past, it could no longer catch up with me; just like the witch, my troubles had been stopped in their tracks. God was put back in his rightful place as number one in my life and his power in me was stronger than the things that had had a hold of me. And over the year, things have begun to grow in my life and I am seeing fruit which I had previously never imagined could come from my life.

Of course, it wasn't all as simple as that, and I've had slip ups, fights with myself and my sorry attempts at fighting God. But the fact it's been a process has been integral to ensuring the roots of my recovery have run deep enough to always be sourced in my Saviour and Redeemer.
It makes me so excited that God lavishes his love and grace on all the needy, which is in reality, all of us. In my life I want to always lead people to God as the source of their healing and I want to use my experience to help others. I know God can bring healing to even the most broken of hearts- one of the great comforts for me is that God has brought so many people out of the darkness... David in the bible speaks words which could come from the mouth of millions, myself included: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me." (2 Samuel 22:17-18)

One of my favourite pieces of imagery from the bible is in Isaiah 40 verses 3-5
"In the desert prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it."

I recently discovered a song by Stacie Orrico which I wish I had heard at those times I doubted God would ever rescue me (although of course, he was waiting patiently for me to relinquish control and be rescued).

"Strong Enough"

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again
I think the line of this song which resonates with me on such a deep level is the line which says:
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness, find the strength I've never had, Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?
I have found myself so often feeling like I have messed up the life God has given me, that I've destroyed the possibility of good ever flourishing and that God will have to give up on me because I screwed it all up. But it is so true that God is strong, pure and brave enough, not to mention loving and gracious enough to heal me, renew me, forgive me and fill me with his strength, in order that I can still fulfil his purpose for my life. It is pure ridicule, ignorance and blindness of God's perfect character to suggest our mistakes will stop God from working in us, using us and fulfilling his purpose, so long as we are trusting in him.
With that in mind, we need to take seriously our responsibilty to 'set our minds on things above, not on earthly things' (Colossians 3:2) and to "stand firm... and not let ourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1). To me, this reads as living a Christian life; praying, reading the bible, going to church, repenting, trusting in God for everything and constantly reflect on and respond to God's great and thoroughly successful rescue mission.
My baptism was my recognition that I am a broken person, as we all are in our own individual and unique ways and we all need to be saved, loved and renewed. When my perfect saviour, Jesus, died on the cross, he died for all the hurt and pain I've been through and all the wrong things I've done, not to mention all the wrong things that have ever been done in this world. By coming back to life, he showed that He reigns over all and He can defeat all the darkness which has infiltrated the world God once made to be perfect. I am going to live the rest of my life believing that I am forgiven, loved and free by the one who created me.
September 2009