Monday, May 05, 2008

Oh.My.Gosh

Argggggggggh.

Possibly just about sums it up.

No, wait...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

I am so stressed. (Not that you needed any help in getting that ^)

It's bank holiday monday and I am spending it staring at page after page of textbook, with no idea what Vygotsky's theory of cognitive development actually is and even less do I care. I have no problem when it comes to being motivated enough to revise (honest, this is a scheduled break :S) but my problem seems to be that everytime I sit down and start revising, 5 minutes later I have dissolved into tears at the realisation that I know nothing.
My mum has attempted to give me advice: "do past papers"... yes, mum, I need to learn the stuff first... All the while I am thinking that I just want to be outside in the sun on my bike.

There are so many things bothering me at the moment and I am on the verge of going to bed and refusing to resurface until 2009.
^ That is not an exaggeration.

And school: thanks a damn bunch for my exam timetable.
But don't expect any actual thanks until October, when I am sleeping soundly every night in my own little room in Sheffield.

I always deal with stress by sitting and thinking meticulously about every last detail. Now is no exception:

Exam number 1.
German Oral.
Wednesday 14th May.
I'm actually not particularly bothered about this. Considering I have a bunch of 2 hour exams, 20 mins talking German, like I do every German lesson anyway isn't particularly sending me into a frenzy. I'm revising for this next weekend. And I refuse to think about it until then.

Exam number 2.
Comparing Wuthering Heights with French Lieutenant's Woman.
Friday 6th June.
1:30-3pm.
I don't mind this one. I read Wuthering Heights this week and I don't think I have ever known a book so well. Except The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Oh and 1 Corinthians. I've entirely forgotten the plot of FLW but I've got it recorded so I'm just gonna watch it.

Exam number 3.
Psychology.
Tuesday 10th June.
9-10:30 am.
So for this exam I have to write 3 essays. Questions 2, 9 and 10. I think. I know the answer to about 1 of the 20 or so possible questions. But this is the topic where revision cues 4 hours of crying. Doesn't exactly make it easy.

Exam number 4.
German Listening and Writing.
Wednesday 11th June.
9-9:50am
There are one of two possible outcomes. 1. I don't have a clue what the text is talking about and can't answer a single question. 2. I get the text but don't understand the questions.
It always happens, everytime. In practise so far, I am averaging a D. So... I hate this exam cos I always get confused between fast forward and rewind on the tape player then I lose my place and it all just sounds like gobbledegook. This exam is also infuriating because I always finish early. And the more you listen to the text, the more you begin to doubt your answers....

Exam number 5.
German Reading and Writing.
Wednesday 11th June.
9:50-10:35am.
So they collect in our tape players and exchange them for a chunk of text. I am renowned for making blunders on this paper due to my very roundabout way of interpreting the question. Then we have to translate a chunk of english into German. If only I knew my German grammar, I might get above 3/10 (my current average).

Exam number 6.
German Writing. (oh scheiss)
Wednesday 11th June.
10:40-12pm
This is the sort of exam everyone would dread. We're given a bunch of essay titles then eft to write an essay. Problem number 1: Possible topics include the EU, pacifist wars, the environment and gene technology. I don't know these in English. I'm just praying a question relating to equal rights for women comes up... Problem number 2: The grammar thing again. Problem number 3: 1 hour 15 minutes to write 300 words. It's back to the whole: spendning the extra half an hour staring at your essay and changing things which were right in the 1st place.
And as if these last 3 exams aren't stressful enough, I need a B for each one. Otherwise I won't average out at B and will not go to uni. On the positive side, I need never utter, write or hear another word of German for the rest of my life after 12pm on Wednesday 11th June.

Exam number 7.
English- Hamlet.
Wednesday 11th June. (yea, don't worry about it, I don't mind spending my entire day in a little stuffy classroom, writing in 3 different languages (that'd be english, german and shakespearean) with only an hour and a half in between, that's fine)
1:30-3:45 (yes, i kid you not, this exam does last two and a half hours.)
To quote Georgie: Hamlet-omfgsh.
She's not wrong. We're not allowed to bring the play in with us. I don't even know the flaming plot let alone specific quotes. This exam really could be the death of me. I am quickly going to have to learn to become ambidexterous so I can swap hands every 10 minutes.
But it's not just Hamlet. No cos that would be too kind. After racking our brains to remember 'Ophelia' (not any of the other things she's been called) we then have to transform a text into a different text. Like a poem into a newspaper article. I actually think this is kinda fun. If I had an exam where I just had to do that, it's be cool.
But no!
We then have to write a commentary and explain our choices in what we've changed. Comparing it to the original text.
Allow that. (damn, I can't :S)

Exam number 8.
Psychology.
Monday 16th June.
1:30-3:30.
What's that I see in the distance? Oh yes, it is a gleam of hope. Only 2 more exams to go. I am sure however, that this gleam will become distinctly dim within the first half an hour of this exam.
There are 2 positive things about this exam.
1) I have 4 days before it to revise solidly.
2) We've already memorised the answer to on question. Which knocks of 40 mins ofthe exam, cos that'll be spent just writing out the answer.
But there's still the negative:
I don't have a flaming clue what any of the answers are.
Damn.

Exam number 9. Last and least.
English the "kill me now and save me the pain" synoptic paper.
Thursday 19th June.
1:30- 4pm. (That's not a joke)
I'm not sure how to cope with this one. My best suggestion so far has been to don a cape and run up and down the street screaming "crrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppp" until gaining enough speed to take off with which you can fly away to a distant land where the sy- syn- syno (nope cant bring my self to say it) exam doesn't exist.
Any suggestions slightly more feasible is welcomed.
Basically we write a big fat comparison of 3 different texts, usually on thrilling subjects such as "insects" "the sea" and "mining". (Those are real examples).
Once again, I could cope with this.
But then we have to write a commentary about the "approaches" we've used. Although I'm not sure the examiner will appreciate it if I describe my approach of attempting to fly away. And i'm not really sure what other approaches there are.
This exam should definitely be retitled: Doom. Forget all this fluffy 'synoptic' crap. Let's just be real about this. Unless you have a mega brain/ teacher who can actually teach, you are doomed.

Friday 20th June.
I won't lie that it is just too tempting to go out and get lashed. But I'm waaay too geeky for that. Instead, I am going to read all 8 of my baptism books. Then I'm gonna start on the classics beginning with Great Expectations or something. And do this reading outside on a sun lounger.
I'm gonna go out on my bike everyday.
Might go up north for a bit.
Gonna finish writing my novel.
Gonna watch loads of crappy films and TV progs.

Ahh it's gonna be a good few weeks.

:)

Wow, that was a pretty satisfying exam freakout.

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