Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I think, I am about to die laughing. I just found a box in the loft and written on it was "Fiona Personal" so obviously I had to have a look... I found a letter from Claire from about 4 years ago when we had our own secret language. It reads:

heebee! heeyee? Ieemee gee gee. Iee dee dee mee veeleepeeteesee. veeanee ceedlee. Soe Soe see snugee. HEEVEEGEEWEE!! Fleevee. Seesee leelee bree bree cheisee aee weepee! geegeepneeteegeemee! Beehee!


I can only presume that once upon a time this was an intelligible half of a conversation. I wish I knew what it said. Anyway, laughter aside there was some really sentimental stuff in that box... it's funny how you can completely forget stuff.

So byee foree nowee!

Camping, confusion and other random crap

There is a small amount of sanity left in my life at the moment. I think.

Monday I got chased by a police car (ok, ok followed more than chased), and on tuesday whilst still actually asleep (ok, ok not actually) I went to toddler club and discovered that toddlers are actually taking over the world (ok, ok not the world but definitely Maidenhead). I then ended up playing catch whilst sitting cross legged with one arm behind my back in a place I didn't even know existed. Anyway all of this was topped off with my toilet trip that was interrupted by a random man standing on my roof and looking in. (Ok, ok he wasn't random he was the window cleaner but I promise you it is very confusing at 9 in the morning having a pair of legs walk past your bathroom window.)

This, mixed with Brooke's random burglary anecdotes, a bit of alcohol here and there and the general stress of life, has all contributed to my current, rather confused state.

Anyway, more pressing matters remain. The day after tomorrow I'm going camping for 2 weeks. Based on my extensive camping experience I can only assume that over the next 2 weeks I shall:

- Suffer extreme internet withdrawal symptoms
- Get woken up at ridiculous hours by screaming children
- Have more spots than face
- Kneel on something breakable due to the smallness (and messiness) of the tent
- Run out of clean/dry clothes
- End up with everything inside my tent wet
- Use more dry shampoo then real shampoo
- Be a general minging unhygenic mess
- Have to cope without phone and ipod
- Realise I've forgotten something essential and cry for a long time
- Watch my tent blow away

So, when I haven't updated my blog for an entire fortnight, when the most awful pictures of me are left tagged and when status isn't telling the world the latest pointless bit of information about my day then be assure, I am not dead, it is far more likely that I am indulging in the luxuries listed above.

And probably my next post on here (unless I blog tomoro) will be telling everyone whether I am going to uni, travelling the world or living in my sister's basement next year.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Lancaster Adventure

Just keep saying it with me... "life would be boring if it wasn't crap and complicated" I seem to be reassuring myself with these words on a ridiculously regualar basis, so if you'd like to be a companion to my complaining then I welcome you with open arms.

Anyway, my week... like absolute emotional whateverthewordis. There were definitely a few times I thought I'd die/lose sanity/hibernate etc...

Firstly, what they say is true- Lancaster is not the most desirable place to live (now, this is a watered down version of my true opinion as I am risking ever being talked to by my sister again by writing this) says it all really, at least all that I'd want to say... but apart from that, a town with more Subways than churches speaks for itself. I eventually got there, (the usual train journey with smelly, loud people, you know the drill) and had to walk about 3000 miles to the Lancaster campus. After another 50 miles across campus we went into the stench chamber which is apparently actually a kitchen, but I couldn't make out the kitcheness through all the mould. Monday evening we went out to Lancaster town... "Toast" was definitely an improvement on Skanky Hoes (aka Smokey Joes, Maidenheads best offering of drunken studentness). I was upset to find the next morning I no longer had half of my phone and a mortified a few days later when a randomer said "Oh, I remember you"... something about a hat and a kebab shop... anyway, don't get me wrong, it was all innocent fun... for some of us at least... it confuses me a hell of a lot when a lesbian and a gay get off with each other... apparently it's not sexual, it's 'just fun'. I'm not gonna let my mind wonder that any further... so that was monday night. I 'slept' in the living room in the student halls. It worried me slightly the next day when Rachel said "did you wake up with anyone next to you?" I replied "what?! No!!" and then realised she actually meant her flatmate who had been sleeping for the past 2 weeks where I had slept.

Tuesday and all that happened on Tuesday will forever remain top secret which noone shall ever know about. Apart from the secret stuff, me and Rach went back to her old house to get all her stuff which was left in her old house. It was all in the dark damp basement, cue us coming up and down ome rickety stairs carrying up boxes of mouldy crap for an hour or two. As if I wasn't already dead enough, Rach then took me to her Taekwondo class where I did a lot of kicking. If anyone tries to attack me now, they'd better watch out cos I know self defence :P
So we moved all of this crap to the "summer house" which in my opinion is just a brick tent. It took us 3 days to figure out how to turn the shower on (definitely don't ask if I showered at all cos the answer is not nice), I had to go on a whole shopping trip just for bog roll, Rach couldn't find the kettle so we had to make tea and coffee with a saucepan. I should really have cleaned it first as baked beans flavoured hot chocolate is the definition of rank.

Wednesday we went to Manchester and got our haircut and shopped. We went to Affleck's Palace which is some alternative shopping centre where they sell bongs and studded belts. Ironically, everyone who goes there does so in order to buy unique and unconventional clothing, yet everyone inside looks the same with the same sort of goth/emo/nurave look going on and actually, they aren't being original at all.

Thursday we went into Lancaster and 'shopped' before seeing Wanted and Hancock. Both good films except it was so, so cold in the cinema I have nearly lost all 10 toes to frostbite.

Friday (ie today) Rachel stayed in bed till 1 with a roaring hangover, I got up at 10 and tidied the house. Then we went into Lancaster again, I got my nose pierced totally on the spur of the moment then we went to what we thought was an NHS walk in centre but was actually a needle exchange centre for druggies, so I was careful not to touch anything while Rachel tried to explain she wasn't a druggie and just wanted to see a doctor and then I came home (another long boring journey with the mandatory platform alterations at Wolverhampton leading to dashing up a thousand stairs with a heavy suitcase and the typical falling asleep on the train and nearly missing the stop.) I did however manage to finish my books which is great, 5 baptism books down, 2 to go!)

I know it doesn't sound "killmenow" worthy but it's been a hard week emotionally. I've had to make some tough decisions (which I have still not managed to make), accept some harsh truths and put up with some tedious health problems and all of that added onto my tenous emotional state at the best of times and looming results which I CANNOT relax about and it is really really a recipe for disaster.

Anyway as much as I love my sister (even if I can't do anything 'right') I am so glad to be home where I have a kettle, heating, toilet roll, the internet, a TV, friends, sheets on my bed (actually I don't but at least I have the choice to!), MY stuff and just general maidenheadness which is amazingly easy to miss. Sadly, I only have all of this until Friday at which point I subject myself to a fortnight's worth of kettle, heating, loo roll, internet, tv and bed lacking all over again.

So, just join with me once again, "life would be boring if it wasn't crap and complicated".

Saturday, July 05, 2008

How NOT to wash a car...

So, seeing as I park my car under a tree as it's the only convenient spot on my road, it's acquired a second skin composed of bird crap, berries and some questionable brown stuff. It was getting worse than usual, not being one to care about the odd bit of grime, you can imagine how disgusting my car looked. Now, it's a sunny day and I'm not exactly rushed off my feet with exciting activities so I thought I'd be responsible and attempt to wash off some of the yuck... attempt being the operative word. A bucket of water mixed with fairy liquid (what are you supposed to use?) later, I started scrubbing the bird poo which unfortunately was pretty encrusted on the bonnet due to the amount of time it's been there. A lesson to everyone: trying to wash bird poo off a car in a mini skirt with fairy liquid just doesn't work. I couldn't figure out how to get all the foamy bits off and my feet got all wet and it just wasn't fun. So my car is now very soapy, half washed with remnants of bird poo from one end to the other. So I did the only logical thing; went and parked it back under the tree.