Tuesday, December 22, 2009

feels like a traditional christmas + snow

pics i've taken so far these hols:

^warm, cosy fire

^ spontaneous midnight snow walk

^ whichever season, fave place in the world= riverside

^ treats for my friends to devour, and devoured they were!

^ "sit here a while and enjoy"... many a time i have done this

^en route to church, perfect welly weather

^ my dream house

^ the teddy jess made donning the scarf i knitted

^ something jess can do better than me

^ something i can do better than jess

^the park of many memories and hopefully many more to come

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


inert... unsure of what hurts the most

sat transparent and just a ghost.

familiarity or mere contempt?

before... a meagre prelude of this attempt,

devastation descended this time,

whose arms left in which to confide?

confession tainted with masquerade,

lies and ruse... the truth to evade

who can grasp the depth of this?

quite how dark it is within the abyss?

confronted with faith of what this depicts,

every sign is justification to convict.

withered parts of heart left only to bring,

damaged and worthless through everything .

then a million dreams in one come true

a vulnerable explosion of many hues.

til reverie shattered into innumerable parts,

how to mend a trampled heart?

worst is no choice but for it to be this way,

by-product brokenness yet integrity stayed.

the rawness protests never again,

after once enough pain remains.

struggling on to make it through,

glimpses of pink but forever blue.

Monday, December 14, 2009

4 weeks without

Only one week to go until the holidays. This time next week i'll be 20 years old, 200 miles away from Sheffield, and waving goodbye to Jessica for 3 weeks...
which got me thinking about all the things I'm going to be without for the holidays.
4 weeks without:
* having to take the bins out at stupid o'clock because i forgot to do it when it was still light enough not to trip over next door's cat
* having to spend my well earned student loan on food and mundane toiletries like toilet roll
* having to stand out in the rain for 15 minutes until 3 buses turn up at once just to pay for the privilege of smelly men and kids playing chav music only to get hurled around trying to push past all the people who stand in the aisle
* having to get up at 7:30am to make a 9am lecture about something that may as well be in japanese for all i understand
* opening the fridge to find an open packet of bacon resting on top of my lettuce
* being called jess, being confused with jess and generally feeling second best to jess
* getting subtly hinted at about the soap suds in the shower cubicle/ the dead plant i left in the kitchen/ my shoes left lying around/ making too much noise
* suffering from housemate abuse
* coming down for breakfast to find various bodies residing under a duvet on the sofa
* having 6 other people within earshot of me belting out emo songs on my guitar
* getting woken up by drunk people walking past my window
* hearing the word 'bills' 'heating' and 'washing up'
* having to keep my bedroom somewhat tidy for when people come over
* having to phone home
* having to climb a flight of stairs just to get to the living room
* hills.

Every cloud...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

not a day without his unfolding grace

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

~ 2 corinthians 4:16-18

Friday, November 27, 2009

wild horses

Wild Horses Natasha Bedingfield

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

I wanna run too...

Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart tell them how I feel

I wanna run with the wild horses

Monday, November 16, 2009


"I believe that it's not a question of what you should do to become creative, but what you should undo. To  become an un-person you need to be:
unlocked, uncensored, unbound, unimpeded, unplugged, unbarred, unpredictable, unleashed, unrestricted, untamed, unrestrained, unobstructive, uninhibited, unprejudiced, unhindered, unusual, unchained and uncorked."
~ Dominic O'Brien

Sunday, November 08, 2009

god's song

"It is like the sailors in Greek mythology. They were experienced and would never normally have gone near dangerous rocks. However, many were lured into dangerous waters by the Sirens. Even though the sailors knew the sirens meant evil, they could not resist their beauty and their seductive voices, so they met their deaths dashed on the rocks...Orpheus managed to avoid death from the Sirens by singing more beautifully than they did and drowning them out. Part of what is needed to overcome bondage is to seek God all the more strongly. If we sing God's song, then even the most beautiful song of the world will pale into insignificance."

From the book I'm reading.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

mess, a metaphor for... mess

it's an ongoing issue that i think i need therapy for. proof is here, here  and here.

the fact i am an utter mess at the moment is reflected in the fact that, once again, i have yet more proof of the above variety.

i was just reading back over this blog and noticed the pink scarf which i just realised was around my neck half an hour ago. i honestly have no idea how i managed to take it off and have it draped across the room. i couldn't create this sort of mess if i was trying, i swear it's some sort of genetic deformity... it's just so natural to be messy!

i reckon it must be time to reprioritise when it's 23:40, i have a 9am and i'm blogging about the mess which i have to clear in order to have enough room to sleep tonight. ah it sucks to be a mess.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

on a night like tonight you bring me to life

This is Lodge Lane; a long windy lane with a 15% incline which me and Jess whizzed down last night. I was cacking myself... it was pitch black, there were some angry looking cows chilling out along the way and I thought I was gonna go head over handlebars. Jess, on the other hand, was loving it. For the rest of the way back I peddled for my life along the pitch black Manchester Road while Jess casually stopped every so often to look at the stars. It was so beautiful though, you can see all the way down into the valley which Manchester road runs through and the city lights are even more beautiful the higher up you spectate from.

Other Side of Day~ Bebo Norman

Was it You who spoke the earth to be?
And wrapped it all in mystery
For the taking
For the taking
Is it Thee who turned away my soul?
From evidence so beautiful
That You gave me
That You gave me
When I’ve fallen in the shadows of the sun
Only You remain the hope on what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

Is it time that gets the best of us?
Reminding all the rest of us
That it’s fading
Yeah, it’s fading
Oh, but You still hold the hands of time
And pave the way to paradise
Can You take me?
Can You take me?
Cause the world is just a shadow of the sun
Only You remain the hope of what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

Where all who are alone
Finally make it home
To a world of wonder
Where love is not a lie
And all who seek will find
Their search is finally over

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

Friday, October 23, 2009

there's a point concealed in here somewhere

"In my Father's house are many rooms... I am going there to prepare a place for you" ~ Jesus

Rollercoasters, chocolate, back to back viewing of Smallville, kissing in the rain, shopping at Liverpool One, nights in front of the fireplace, the Xfactor final etc etc... all very fun in their own right but none of these give me even a fraction of the kicks I get out of walks, cycles and drives with no destination. There's something about putting one foot in front of the other and simply following my nose which captures my imagination and sense of adventure and to walk aimlessly with no knowing what is around the corner is what, for me and my sheltered past experience of the world, is the epitome of adventure.
I love the thrill of walking through woods; discovering water, the eerie rustling of the trees and unwalked paths.
I love the fear of solitary nightwalks; invisible to the world, silent lanes and views of the city lights.
I love the excitement of getting lost; turning down roads with no knowing where they lead, walking in a straight line hoping to have walked a circle and looking for any sign that points to a familiar place.
I love how a mile turns to 10, how for every uphill hike there's a downhill trot and how nobody knows where I am or where I'm headed, including me.
I love my ipod playing in my ear, a piece of unwritten writing forming in my head and how by the end of the walk the solutions to all life's problems seem so much clearer.
I've seen so many intriguing things on walks such as these. Tonight alone I had the excitement of a fox, a fight and a road called Carsick Hill Road.

The thing is though, no matter how aimless I intend the journey to be, there is always an end destination- home. It never really is a journey with no destination.  Despite all the excitement, when my legs start to ache so much I can barely take another step, when I'm so desperate for some refreshment, and when it's all getting a little dark and scary, I just want to end up back at that safe place that's home.
And I realise how much those walks are like life- it's exciting, I experience so many unexpected things, I never know what's around the corner, at times I'm wandering aimlessly and a lot of it is spent off track but when it starts to get a bit tiring and frightening, I remember that I am always heading to the end destination- home.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


So just to totally and utterly steal Rachel's blog style, I wanted to share a few things in my life at the moment that are growing...

1) My faith

2) My sense of adventure

3) My friendships

4) My hair (!)

5) My social awareness

6) My journal collection

7) My self- esteem

"My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
So I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams" ~ Kutless

Monday, October 12, 2009

we reach for more

Reaching- Carolyn Arends

There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach
And later on in my high school
It seemed to me a little cruel
How the right words to say always seemed to stay
Just out of reach

Well I should not have thought it strange
That growing causes growing pains
‘Cause the more we learn the more we know
We don’t know anything
But still it seems a tragic fate
Living with this quiet ache
The constant strain for what remains
Just out of reach

We are reaching for the future
We are reaching for the past
And no matter what we have we reach for more
We are desperate to discover
What is just beyond our grasp
But maybe that’s what heaven is for

There are times I can’t forget
Dressed up in my Sunday best
Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn
A bit of what the preacher preached
And later lying in the dark
I felt a stirring in my heart
And though I longed to see what could not be seen
I still believed

I guess I shouldn’t think it odd
Until we see the face of God
The yearning deep within us tells us
There’s more to come
So when we taste of the divine
It leaves us hungry every time
For one more taste of what awaits
When heaven’s gates are reached

Repeat chorus

I believe that’s what heaven is for
There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach

Friday, October 09, 2009

the world's looking sunny

"There's A Change For A Better A Change For Good
I'm Changed For The Better I Am Changed For Good
The World's Looking Sunny
Cause That's What You Do To Me" (Natasha Bedingfield)

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

...and i thought...

Last night, overcome with stress and busy-ness and with the ceiling of my bad news threshold well and truly battered, I went in search of some peace and solitude away from the craziness of my house and the emptiness of my bedroom. I went to my favourite place for contemplation: Bole Hill. There I sat with my ipod playing in my ear, my legs tucked under my chest and my hood pulled up, I thought 'it's just you and me God' and I proceeded to contemplate as I looked out at the city lights and tried to forget that there was any place in the world other than there. What did I contemplate? I thought about those I love so much who have walked away from God. I thought about myself; my insecurities, my character, my faith. I began to wonder why I'm here in Sheffield, doing this degree (a danger it seems for anyone who dares to contemplate). I wondered what it is that always brings me back to the same old habits of coping and I contemplated the seeming elusivity of freedom. I thought about my fears and my friendships. I thought of those I know suffering at the moment, in their various ways. As I stared out at the city, I thought about all the people in the lit up houses and wondered what they were doing, what they believe in, what they'd fight for. I thought about this next term and how things seem to be heading. I thought about all the people I know, all the things I do, all the places I love. I thought about heaven. I thought I should like many moments like this in heaven, when I can sit in utter stillness, invisible to the world yet fully present in the sight of God. I thought all these things and I got confused. But most of all, I thought these thoughts are so much bigger than me, so much deeper than a mind of matter should let me delve and it made me grateful that there's One who is bigger than me and deeper, who can understand all these thoughts and feelings that I just can't.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

a monologue of cliches

In life you learn. You learn the simple stuff like two wrongs don't make a right, the grass is never really greener on the other side and that the best person to do the job well is yourself. But then there's the deeper stuff too that you learn when you find yourself back in that same dark place. Like that life really does go on, things aren't as bad as they seem and there's always tomorrow. Learn to draw a line underneath the things you need to forget and leave them behind because if you let them infect your future then you will become enslaved to your past. And we know, your past does not define you. You learn about others, the world and yourself. Others- you may never get them to understand your point of view. Their philosophies are always going to clash with yours somewhere down the line. And all you can do is silently accept their hypocrisies.Be careful with your pedestals, always review who's sitting there and why. Aspire to be like them but don't lose sight of yourself in the process. As for the world, you learn it can be cruel and tough but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger for sure and sometimes the best thing to do is jump on the bandwagon and see where it takes you. Life is a rollercoaster so maybe it's time to start enjoying the ride. As for yourself, there's no end to what you can discover. You can take advice, you can obey orders and you can copy others but still you learn of your personal reaction in a given situation. It may take so long to learn, you wonder how many times you will fall only to find your feet again. But eventually, piece by piece, the picture is fitted together and you can use your self knowledge to be a better person. But it is a process, Rome wasn't built in a day. Slowly you begin to learn where you go when the going gets tough. But it'll all be ok in the end, if it's not yet ok then it's not yet the end. Learn from your mistakes but know that what's in the past can be left there. Live life to the full and accept any day could be your last. Enjoy the good things and try to minimise regrets. You're only young once and life's too short to dwell on troubles, these troubles are only momentary anyway. Look ahead at your future, the world's your oyster. Take a mile with every inch you're given and reap the rewards. Noone knows what the future holds but it's as good as you make it. Live with an openness to second chances, accept the failures of others so that they may come to accept yours. Value friendships and believe you are worth enough to be part of them. Make sure your life is revolving around something deeper than the superficial and something more reliable than yourself. when people let you down don't take it as a personal failure. Be in the know, ignorance is never bliss, it's just absence of fear. Know yourself, know others and know the world. If at first you don't succeed, keep trying. Your potential is boundless. There are no limits to what you can achieve. It's ok to be alone. It's ok to be together. No time spent doing what you want to do is wasted time so make sure you are doing what you want. Try new things- nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you fall flat on your face at least you'll be able to lay down for a rest. Never underestimate the power of friendships, love and hope. Keep the faith and live it out- be the change you want to see in the world. It's ok to smile when you're happy and cry when you're sad but be wary of crying when you're happy or smiling when you're sad. Emotions are fragile and easily confused. Protect the things you need to protect. Don't be scared to go cold turkey. Even when you don't remember a time you weren't trying to give it up, it doesn't mean that one day it won't finally leave. When there's rock bottom, 10 miles of crap and then you, remember that things can only get better, you're not the first and you won't be the last. Don't forget the people who have carried you this far. One day you may carry another the same way. Take comfort in the fact that nothing in all of heaven and earth is impossible. Possibilities are endless and bountiful.You may just be a drop in the ocean but that drop could be the source of life to a dying fish. Never underestimate your importance. All's well that ends well so work towards a ceremonious ending which will polish off all the troubles of the journey.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

words of widsom from mother teresa

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centred; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish , ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow, do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."
~mother teresa

Monday, September 21, 2009

how flippin amazing are God's promises!!!

Made with mine and Jessica's own fair hands.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

rebelling against my scottish roots... literally

So, two bottles of hair dye, £5 of conditioner and a third of my hair later and I am no longer ginger. Here are some totally poser shots to show the evidence of our labour.

And, because so many people have asked me recently, here is my natural colour, or at least what i think is my natural colour but the more i look back at old photos, the more convinced i am becoming that i've always been gingery and just never realised because i've never had un-dyed hair...

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

a banana on the wall

A few random items to share whilst I dissolve my teeth with 2 litres of diet coke.


2) I have taken a couple of hours to type out my testimony:
please read, it is pretty long but hopefully worth the read.

3) I found this amazing personality test website. www.peoplemaps.com
Some of the highlights of my personal appraisal:

"You do have a romantic streak, fi , however it plays tug-of-war with your down to earth view of life. You make friends easily, however to become a personal or close friend of yours can take a very long time. This is because relationships are important to you so you like to take your time. You are very wary of sharing much of yourself with those who have not been tried and tested. You are a truly very private person. Your perfect partner would be someone considerate, with patience who talks about things that interest you. You're a born counsellor fi who spends many a happy hour hearing others' tales of woe- you also offer sound advice though. You are non-confrontational. You don't like being late and will apologise profusely. Fi is a good mediator. Being in a team that gives fi little opportunity to use facilitation skills would be a real waste of talents. Fi Sweeney has the great gift of being willing to respond to the needs of others."

4) I've forgotten number 3 so until i remember i will fill this space with the short and sweet anecdote that i walked past a banana sitting on the wall earlier. True story.

5) A song I wrote for Jade:

My Blessed Best Friend

there's something about the way you are
you're my beautiful superstar
in my darkest night for me you lit a light
and when i couldn't, you kept shining bright

you're my blessed best friend
and i'll love you til the end
when i thought i wouldn't make it through
God blessed me with you

when you need some sunshine to guide your way
let me help you and i'll hide the grey
i'll hold your hand like those days you held mine
with hope and faith restored together we'll shine

to count the smiles and the times we were happy
we'd be riding on infinity
grapes and chocolate, coffee and tea
talking all night, swimming in the sea
you and me
you and me
you and me
you and me

Monday, September 07, 2009

with a little help from my friends

Having lived in Sheffield now for a year, I have made a poor show in my peak visiting record. Yesterday was my first trip to the peaks, and on that note, my first trip to anywhere even similar to the peaks. With that context, I went along in my usual skirt and pumps only to discover this is not the best attire for trekking through mud and climbing rocks. And despite not being a fan of heights I climbed the above rocks thanks to Chris and Christine's encouragement and Christine's pushing. And I have officiallt done something this summer I have never done before in my life.

Friday, August 28, 2009

do you know him?

I read this in one of the left behind books as I was ploughing through the series and it really captured me:

"The bible says my king is a seven- way king . He’s the king of the Jews; that’s a racial king. He’s the king of Israel; that’s a national king. He’s the king of righteousness. He’s the king of the ages. He’s the king of heaven. He’s the king of glory. He’s the king of kings. Besides being a seven way king, He’s the Lord of lords. That’s my king. Well, I wonder, do you know him?
My king is a sovereign king. No means of measure can define His limitless love. No far-seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings. He’s enduringly strong. He’s entirely sincere. He’s eternally steadfast. He’s immortally graceful. He’s infinitely powerful. He’s impartially merciful. Do you know Him?
He’s the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizons of this world. He’s God’s son. He’s the sinner’s saviour. He’s the centrepiece of civilization. He stands in the solitude of Himself. He’s honest and He’s unique. He’s unparrallelled. He’s unprecedented. He’s the loftiest idea in literature. He’s the highest personality in philosophy. He is the supreme problem in higher criticism. He’s the fundamental doctrine of true theology. He’s the core, the necessity for spiritual religion. He’s the miracle of the ages. Yes, He is. He is the superlative of everything good you call Him. He’s the only one qualified to be our all- sufficiency. I wonder if you know Him today.
He supplies strength for the weak. He’s available for the tempted and tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He strengthens and sustains. He guards and He guides. He heals the sick. He cleanses the leper. He forgives the sinner. He discharges debtors. He delivers the captive. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent. And He beautifies the meek. I wonder if you know Him.
Well, this is my king. He’s the key to knowledge. He’s the wellspring of wisdom. He’s the doorway of deliverance. He’s the pathway of peace. He’s the roadway of righteousness. He’s the highway of holiness. He’s the gateway of glory. Do you know him?
Well, His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His life is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you.
He’s indescribable. He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistable. Well, you can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him and you can’t live without Him. The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him but they found they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him and the ground couldn’t hold Him. That’s my king. I wonder, do you know Him?"

Thursday, August 27, 2009

the showers are not intended for self indulgence

Every year I find myself back in the same place; the same old smell of cowpat, the same old unceasing grey cloud ceiling and the same old paper thin toilet roll. After last year's experience of 3 weeks in my little messy tent without a single glint of sunshine, I vowed never to return. But then I found myself, last week, driving down the M4 en route to Momentum. I figured it would probably rain the whole time just on account of the fact I took suncream but on the other hand, I did lug my wellies all the way from Sheffield, which pretty much promises some sunshine. So a couple of days in, I'm used to the cowpat smell, a little bit of blue has penetrated the grey and there seems to be a good supply of the usually elusive bog roll and I've almost forgotten why I had previously vowed never to return.
Now, on a scale of 1 to insanely high maintenance, I probably fall somewhere towards the latter. Sometime between the past years spent at guide camp to the now of living constantly in debt due to refusal to buy shampoo under £5, I've lost my ability to rough it true style. I won't beat around the bush here in my admittance that me and Jade's first year at New Wine together included a total of 0 showers. I don't know whether explaining that we were 13 makes that any better or worse. Anyway, nowadays I can't actually converse with anyone until I've showered and applied copious amounts of makeup to cover the tragic camping skin which occurs due to the 3 girls to 1 sink ratio each morning resulting in the lack of the cleanse, tone and moisturise routine.
So each morning at Momentum I took a gung ho run to the showers to begin the painful process of becoming presentable.
Now, this is where, having made it through the cowpat, rain and loo roll situations, my idealistic view of camping got shattered this year. 40 minutes I queued for a shower. 40 whole minutes that could have been put to the better use of something holy- or just make up application. At New Wine, it can be hours before you get to the front of the shower queue thanks to all the mums who take their 5 children in with them and although the children sound like they're having a whale of the time splashing around, it's not so fun for the poor souls standing outside in pajamas waiting for them to finish using up all the hot water.
At Momentum however, the shower queue gets held up for other reasons. As I am standing waiting, having brushed my hair until every last knot has gone, and having made awkward shower queue conversation with the other people in line, a smell wafts past my nose... the smell of hair removal cream. What sort of person takes the liberty of using hair removal cream in the shower with a queue of 6 increasingly late-for-the-meeting people awaiting their turn?! It makes me wonder what other liberties people are taking in these showers that being 3rd in line for one can result in a 40 minute wait.
I, however, the thoughtful and loving person that I am, was in and out of the shower within 5 minutes every day. Although that may have slightly more to do with the shower consisting of a lukewarm trickle of water rather than my selfless character.
I was then lucky enough to get a second shower on the way back to my tent, as the never ceasing grey cloud resumed its position and took some liberties of its own.
And I thought, having survived a year in Tapton, I could have survived a slum but obviously there's some lesson to be learnt which God keeps calling me back to the humble Bath and West Shwoground in order to learn.

Monday, August 03, 2009

how it feels to feel like a yoyo

I'm in a chatty mood so to save myself from filling out endless ridiculous facebook quizzes which noone reads anyway and can come across as insanely pretentious, I thought I'd revert to the humble old blog and waffle away about nothing for a while until I'm so tired I just go to bed.

I have been an absolute yoyo over the past couple of months or at least that's how it's felt. As anyone feels in those months leading up to uni, where I was exactly a year ago, the future is just one big unknown and there's this feeling of novelty that comes with every day which had previously been lost in the mundanity of sixth form and home life. Anyway, my point being that this long, free summer is one of those novelties that I'm still trying to get the hang of and I've been trying to juggle my various commitments all the while finding myself bored with nothing to do on a frequent basis. The yoyo part, however, is purely in the geographical sense. After being turfed out of the security of halls, myself and all my stuff, arrived back in Maidenhead barely before I'd had the chance to open my post, I was back in Sheffield for a week to sort out my job application and to move into my new house. Once all moved in, the lack of internet, money and kitchen utensils, not to mention no imminent start of my job, drove me home again where all these things suddenly appear at my disposal (much to my shame).

Before I really had the opportunity to indulge myself in the above mentioned, I was carted up north once again, to the west this time, to witness my sister becoming a doctor, once and for all, with another ceremony which included a lot of clapping made slightly more fun by clapping extra loudly for random unsuspecting individuals. I met my sister's boyfriend, who missed dinner and arrived (after a lot of nagging) in time for pudding due to the fact he ran over a cat en route and had to take it to the RSPCA. Which would've come across as a very caring and loving act if only my entire family actually cared to any degree for animals, which once again to my shame, we don't. I was incredibly jealous of my sister's beautiful house which I appreciate all the more after having a taste for home decorating by decking my own little room out with pink furnishing. My jealousy was impinged slightly by the fact her toilet door doesn't lock and there is a gap down the middle, just in the right place to give a full viewing to anyone walking past. Which I did not appreciate when sharing the house with 6 others.

Anyway, after these two days I was once again homeward bound for a week before going up to Lancaster for my other sister's graduation. However, due to the fact my parents hadn't told my sister I was coming, she was off on the razzle and didn't want me to stay with her. The other option was to room share with a certain someone else, which I won't divulge any names or details about my reluctance. So, my parents dropped me off at Liverpool so I could stay in Claire's lovely house while mum, dad and granny continued their voyage to Lancaster which me and Claire travelled to by train the next morning. Another graduation ceremony, another family meal and a night in my sister's grotty student house later and I was headed back once again to Maidenhead.

Nothing particularly exciting occurred in Maidenhead except frantic packing on my behalf which resulted in me leaving many boxes of random tat that I've acquired in 1st year of uni in my old bedroom. And I was all set to go back to Sheffield. Then I got a phone call from Nicki. An impromptu trip down to Dorset with some of the original 12. Torn between sticking to my comfortable plan and swanning off to freedom in Sheffield, and jumping in on the spontanaeity and roadtripping down to Dorset, I decided to do the latter mainly on my mum's recommendation who I think just wasn't ready to see me and all my stuff disappear until some indefinite future time. Anyway the details of Dorset are much as you would expect, a lot of wrong turnings down country lanes, drinking games and junk food not to mention an overwhelming amount of catching up on each other's first year experiences which were all as average as the middle class teens we were before we went.

So after Dorset, back to Maidenhead before driving back up to Sheffield, accompanied by my entire life's belongings (minus all the crap I deemed unneeded for 2nd year and left at home). I moved into my room officially, made it so pink and girly it could belong to an 8 year old (it'd probably pass as adult acceptable minus the forever friends bed covers), stocked up on all those absent kitchen utensils and handtowels for the bathroom and the like and have settled into Sheffield living, seeing friends here and there and being trained up for my job.

But obviously, this state of, er, settled-ness, is shortlived as I once again venture out for a kid's camp for which I have to get the train to Leeds and then down to Birmingham then a bus to the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of children in tow I might add, not to mention luggage consisting of mainly paint, cardboard and children's books.

Then it's back to Sheffield before going to Somerset for Momentum and then back to Sheffield before Maidenhead again on the 3rd September.

So, just to summarise, the past two months has been: Sheffield to Maidenhead to Sheffield to
Maidenhead to Liverpool to Maidenhead to Liverpool to Lancaster to Maidenhead to Dorset to Maidenhead to Sheffield and still to come- Sheffield to Leeds to Birmingham to middle of nowhere to Birmingham to Leeds to Sheffield to Maidenhead to Somerset to Sheffield to Maidenhead.

Might I add, I hate travelling.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Oh, hello oncoming bus,

In an attempt to exercise the new lease of autonomy I have developed since coming to uni, I am currently sleeping on my friend's floor, eating out of cans and sharing a room with 12 mouldy mugs up in Sheffield whilst my parents, with their beds, fresh food and clean mugs are residing 4 hours away. And it's absolutely brilliant. Me and Laura have spent a spontaneous week being, well, spontaneous.

There is one thing I failed to anticipate when giving my dad the 'i'm-grown-up-enough-to-go-and-live-by-myself-in-Sheffield' speech which is the whole navigating with a car scenario. When walking around Sheffield, it is so easy. There's point A,B,C and D and life is spent walking either up or down the hills between each point. However, bring the metal thing with wheels into the scenario and suddenly the friendly crossings where all the cars stop for you are replaced by big scary roundabouts where you have to take your chances and hope not to die while lots of big mean looking cars and buses cut you up. I have to admit, this week I've been down more one-way streets and tram only zones than is actually permitted in a full lifetime of driving stupidity. And I've also been wondering, why do some people feel the need to flash their lights at you?! Yes, ok I did just drive into your lane, placing my little car directly in your path on which you are cruising down at 80mph but do you really think I'm deliberately driving like a retard? Is flashing lights at me really going to help? No. Flashers are just impatient, authoritarian types who don't appreciate the stupidity of the lesser driving individuals such as myself. I could go on for hours with all the stories of how me and Laura have been lost on the roads of Sheffield but they pretty much all begin with road + map corresponding and end with us in Hillsborough and map on the page for Rotherham.

Anyway, tomorrow is move into house day which I write here solely for the purpose for looking back in a year's time and thinking 'aw before I encountered the realities of co-habiting' and am cursing this very day.

But at the end of it all, student roughing it up in halls with raw bacon festering away in the overflowing bin as we speak, or student home for holidays with home cooked food and made bed (or just a bed at all), there is still the fundamental fact that it is 1:15pm and I am in my pajamas having not seen the light of day. On that note, I'm off for a shower.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

a brush with 'fame'

Well I haven't blogged properly for an age and so I thought I'd produce a little anecdote before this blog loses all momentum and I lose interest, which is against the laws of nature that I haven't already.

Being the computer addict I am (as people frequently like to point out to me, leading to an awkward moment where I produce as many possible excuses in as short an amount of time as to why I spend so much time on the internet) I'd seen an advertisement on the derelict Sheffield Union forum, looking for people to model for a catwalk show. I signed up for a few reasons:
1. I'm currently on a mission to try out new things and meet new friends (which is going really well btw)
2. It was for charity
3. I thought it'd all be fat and ugly people doing it because well, it was an offer of modelling for "girls of all shapes and sizes"- read: this is your one opportunity in life to actually model

In my mind I applied the 3rd one to myself- I thought I'm in no way model-esque enough to ever actually model but here's an opportunity to do so regardless of my lack of model criteria fulfilment. And I'm definitely the sort of girl who wishes everyday for the life of Kate Moss.

So before I actually thought ahead to the implications, I signed up. And in hindsight, I am so damn glad I did.

As it turns out, I was wrong about the other people who had applied. Forget fat and ugly, every last girl was gorgeous. I didn't care that I was on the larger side of the average girl modelling or that I won competition against every pubescent boy in the country for most acne, the only thing which made me feel uncomfortable in comparison to the other girls was my height. Don't get me wrong, I love my height. 5 feet 6, the perfect height in my eyes, short enough to wear heels, tall enough not to, nearly every guy is your height or taller and you barely ever get that awkward feeling of dwarf/giant. However, it is most certainly not an optimal height for catwalk modelling.

The worst part of the day was having to wear no make up. Like none. I was one of the few to abide by this law (despite my inner voice having a field day) but there wasn't a shortage of girls arriving with make upped faces and baby wipes.

It was in at the deep end. This was when I realised that not only were many of the other girls the epitome of model, they were also aspiring models who had obviously spent many an hour rehearsing their catwalk walk, and for some, this was just another catwalk on another weekend. I, however, have never practised my catwalk walk. I can barely bring myself to face the mirror for more than 30 seconds and even if I did decide to strut my stuff in front of a mirror, I couldn't on the account of the fact I don't own a full length mirror (and if I did, btw, it'd be smashed to pieces by now). So you can imagine my 'discomfort' when I have to improvise a catwalk walk in front of all these beautiful girls. Obviously this sounds stupid... it's exactly what I signed up for but I promise you, catwalk modelling with no makeup and a baggy jumper is not so glamorous. As I don't wear heels I had to wear the only pair I own- a black pair which are falling to pieces on account of the fact I have worn them to every heel requiring social function over the last 3 years, after acquiring them second hand off Jade. First error of the day- being 5 foot 6 and wearing 1 inch heels on a catwalk next to a bunch of 5 foot 8 models wearing 8 inch heels.

I kept thinking the organisers must have been thinking "oh gosh, why didn't we audition" but I know in reality that it actually didn't matter what your walk was like or how much your bum sticks out and on closer inspection, the average girl was much like me, just winging it and enjoying the ride, the Kate Moss impersonators were actually anomalies.

After practising catwalking, we then got given our clothes to wear. Cue many girls stripping and walking around in their underwear, which carried on for the rest of the day, thank goodness no guys applied that's all I can say. I won't go into detail about the clothes, I didn't like much of what I wore but I did manage to get things baggy over my most problematic areas and all items of clothing which were reasonably opaque in nature.

After what gelt like the ugliest 100 years of my life, we finally got our hair and make up done. My hair went up into some sort of up-mess which I had to avoid pulling out for the rest of the day. The lady tells me I have nice curls then proceeds to use curling tongs on it...? The make up lady destroyed my dreams of sultry eyes and instead decided to emphasise all my worst bits by giving me no eyeliner and red lips which perhaps helped my confidence in that for once in my life I actually looked better without the makeup.

As for the catwalk, it was so much fun. I wasn't at all nervous because to me walking isn't a big deal in comparison to dance shows, plays and music performances I've done in the past, plus I knew I didn't look that great so it wasn't like I faced any deseration to impress unlike some of the other girls who were obvious petrified at the possibility of falling short of perfection. I had to walk on and off 5 times in total, in 4 different outfits. It is a surreal experience (as was the whole day) to have around 150 eyes on you and only you and I'm not sure that I really appreciate that way of life.

Anyway, to avoid talking forever about the day and listing yet more mundane details, I will wrap up with my mentionable reflections. I made a bunch of friends which was one of my key aims, it helped my confidence immensely to join, alone (i.e. without anyone I knew already), a bunch of mainly older and thinner girls to use my body to model clothes and I just loved chatting away to such a diverse group of people. I'm now much more confident in my abilty to go into new and different situations, pushing the comfort boundaries and just having fun doing it all.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

i <3 this song

and every other song by Kimya Dawson

My Rollercoaster Kimya Dawson

You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
when I look at your face I can tell that you're not going to be stopping soon or even slowing down
and if we keep up this pace pretty soon we'll know the name of every kid and every grown up booking house shows in their town

and if home is really where the heart is
then we're the smartest kids I know
because wherever we are in this great big world
we'll never be more than a few hours from home
and that's important because I need to travel
I've had this itchin in my shoes since I was just a little kid
and before I had a mini van I road the Greyhound bus
my mom would say "I hope some day you get paid for being Kimya Dawson"

and now I do and it's not much
but it's enough
I've got my Scrabble game, food on my plate, good friends and family
and now there's you understanding why I do the things I do
knowing that you do them too makes me really happy

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

from a distance, the world looks blue and green
and the snow capped mountains white
from a distance, the ocean meets the stream
and the eagle takes to flight


do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be do do do do do do
I'll be the greatest man of your life

'cause I like going for hikes and riding bikes
and playing video games in the middle of the night
and I'll stay up late and I wont even care
that we're getting up early to go to the state fair
I'm gonna ride the biggest ride it'll be out of sight
then I'll share an elephant ear with you if you'd like
because we are alive so we've gotta live life
to the fullest you spin the bottle and I'll dim the lights
four five six seven minutes in the closet

you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
you go straight to the top you're not scared of getting squashed
you know just when to jump off
you're so brave
and then you run to the right it seems there's no hope in sight
and you drop down to the tube that takes you right to level eight

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Sober- Kelly Clarkson

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah
Three months I hurt

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Friday, January 30, 2009

I will not be labelled

Why is there a need to give everything a name? Admittedly, psychology is not the best subject to study if you hold this attitude as it labels every ailment and symptom but seriously, does everything need to be a 'condition' or an 'issue'? What exactly is this magic formula to which we are supposed to conform in order to be 'normal' and to not be labelled as *insert whatever condition your behaviour apparently displays*? Does everyone who diverges from this norm have said condition? It seems as though as long as you even remotely match the textbook description of something, you suddenly get labelled as it. Could it be that you just do some things differently to others? What suddenly makes this difference in your behaviour the manifestation of an entire condition? And not only are certain behaviours matched to certain conditions but if your behaviour, heaven forbid, is even slightly ab'normal' then before you know it a new condition has been formed in order to categorise the behaviour. There's a constant flow of new 'conditions', yet to be officially listed as true medical conditions, some which end up listed and some which don't. Surely if we keep adding new words to diagnostic manuals, people will soon be unable to avoid having their behaviours assessed in order to be given one of these labels. And then, once you've been labelled as whatever you apparently are, you then become the condition yourself. You're a 'hyperchondriAC' not someone with hyperchondria, you're an 'alcoholIC' not someone who suffers with alcoholism, you're 'schizophrenIC' not someone with schizophrenia etc etc. Obviously labels are important in order for people who are genuinely ill to be treated in the best way but I'm just agitated by all these 'disorders' that are creeping into use which aren't really disorders but are simply people deviating, sometimes only slightly, from cultural and social norms.

I found this article which sums it up in a nutshell (I actually found it after writing all of the above, just to point out I'm not just regurgitating stuff I've read), I'm on the side of Szasz.
Click here

From the article:

"The D.S.M., currently in its fourth edition, classifies serious mental illnesses like psychoses and schizophrenia, but critics say it also medicalizes many behaviors once considered traceable to character flaws."

"Dr. Thomas S. Szasz, a Syracuse psychiatrist and the author of ''The Myth of Mental Illness,'' the landmark 1961 book that argued that psychiatry consistently expands its definition of mental illness to impose its authority over moral and cultural conflict."

"as recently as 18 years ago, the D.S.M. had only 106 mental disorders, while in the mid-19th century, before the D.S.M., the Federal Government recognized only one: idiocy/insanity. Now, he added, less money is available to treat those with serious, debilitating mental illnesses whose sufferers have little clout. "

"Road rage disorder is the current favorite in the pack of hopefuls jockeying for position."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

the world is plotting against me

The route of the problem lies in the insanity of the people who make exam timetables. An exam at 9am. It wouldn't be that bad if the location of the exam didn't involve a tram journey. Because that means being up and ready in time to walk down to the nearest tram stop (or should I say least furthest tram stop) and then leaving enough time for the 10 minute tram journey and the bit at the other end where you have to wander around for a bit trying to find the actual place. Once all this has been achieved, plus the mandatory 10 minutes standing outside mass freakout, you're not looking at a 9am start but a 7:30 start.
So begins my night of terror.
I promised myself I would stop getting anxious over exams and that I'd stop freaking out about them. So the night before I had my Horlicks, had a shower and settled down to sleep- at 10:30pm. An hour later I was still awake, failing at my best attempts to keep above promise. Still, I thought, 11:30 isn't that late, I'll still have 8 hours sleep. An hour later and the hours of sleep dwindled to 7. Still a fair sleep. 12:30am. The residents of Tapton awake. Cue 2 and a half hours of drum and bass music loud enough to make my bed vibrate, about 4 different conversations within earshot, coming from above, below and across from my room, voices seeping into my room through every crack/wall and sporadic banging noises and blasts of a trumpet.
3am. It's gone quiet, well less noisy anyway. Finally I start drifting off to sleep every so often but not for more than a couple of minutes.
4am. The fire alarm goes off. At this point life seemed to have passed far beyond the mildly frustrating phase and into the 'the world is plotting against me' phase. So, on goes the dressing gown. There I am, standing outside in my pajamas in sub minus temperatures among roughly 100 drunk people and feeling pretty sorry for myself and crying a lot.
4:30am Kicked off my shoes and literally dove back into bed.
5am. Asleep at last.
6am. Wake up thanks to a nightmare.
6:30am Fall to sleep
7:15am Alarm rings.

I hope next time they schedule an exam in the early hours of the morning, they might have the sense to realise that they should probably be a bit more strict on noise. But at least I made it to the exam, unlike the person I was supposed to be going with.

And all this just leaves me wondering what has our society come to when people are so damn inconsiderate that they think it's ok to make as much noise as they like and set off fire alarms during exam period.

Friday, January 16, 2009

almost makes me want to learn to knit


just some ramble about the 'atheist buses'


I'm really inspired by this man's integrity and thought I'd post it as a lesson for all but predominantly as a reminder to myself.

I have nothing against atheists posting their opinions on buses, but it annoys me how the wording they choose is so deliberately provacative (which I think is fair to say considering Richard Dawkins is the bank account behind their existence). There are better ways to state your belief in nothing than creating a clever sounding slogan which actually promotes ignorance and then placing it among impressionable members of the public.
So we've had the "is there more to life than this?" posters followed by the "there's probably no God, stop worrying" posters... what's next? "you're both wrong, it was the cookie monster all along" posters?
At least (I hope) the church has the sense not to provide a comeback as an ensuing argument would be ridiculously tedious and I'm still wondering where the need for the atheist slogans came from, the Alpha ones at least had the point of inviting people to find out more (in a non offensive way I might add) whereas the "there's probably no God" posters don't seem to be a particularly enriching contribution to the already complex confusion surrounding the issue.
There's nothing like taking a stroll down the street, pondering the meaning of life, only to have the hope filled message of "there's probably no God, stop worrying" float past.*

*Just feel the need to clarify, that's SARCASM for anyone who's notoriously bad for picking up on it, like myself.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

sharing the pain

How much mess can one person acquire in 3 weeks? Apparently vast amounts, as I have discovered now that it has come to 'pack up for uni' time. So instead of wallowing in the pain of it (I write this between putting loads into the washing machine, filling up the dishwasher and trying to collect together all my revision notes) I thought I'd share my pain. It doesn't help that the mother has gone away until after I go back which means I have to sort all this out for myself and try and imagine where my mum might have put all the things that are missing due to being 'tidied up' into the mother's black hole. Anyway, in an attempt to allay the stress of tidying, here are some pictures of what I'm contending with:

And that's just one room.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

the straw that broke the camel's back

Don't you just hate it when life takes a dump on your head. Especially when what's absolute crap for you is actually great but you're selfish so it's not great. Because then you get that familiar feeling where you're torn because you know you should be pleased and you are but at the same time it sucks and when you think about it, you're actually just gutted.
Don't you just hate it when above situation happens on the back of too many other similar situations which have all descended on you in a short space of time, and you think you were so strong for allowing yourself to come to terms with it the first three times but this time you just can't be ok about it in the same way you forced yourself to be all the other times.

And then you just have no idea what to do/think/feel.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

reflecting on reflections but roaming into rambling

So I just had a little re-read of some of what I've written on here over the past 10 months and I've drawn a few conclusions.

1) I was the world's biggest stresspot over exams and I should have believed a) my Dad when he told me I'd get into Sheffield, b) my sisters when they told me A-levels aren't that big a deal, and c) the 20,000 people who thought saying "you'll be fine" would help matters.

2) I've been far too honest. I don't know what has compelled me at times to hurl into cyberspace details about my acne, leg hair and boob size let alone all the anecdotes in which I've divulged details of drunken nights, rants about how awful life is and videos of me jumping around singing. I read a particularly worrying corresponding secret on postsecret this week. It said: "you think i'm reading your mind but really i'm just reading your blog". I've tried to protect myself against this by being overly open about my blog. It's not secret or private and I'm fully aware anyone could be reading it (as I discovered, but that's another story) but at the same time I often assume less people keep up with it than in reality, as I discovered when I accidentally went into diary mode and discovered I'm accountable to a lot more people than I accounted for!

3) There is absolutely no consistency in what, how or when I write. Now I'm stuck. On the one hand I could blame the erratic-ness on my creative nature but today I read in my textbook that creative people usually have a mental disorder of some description. I suppose Emily Bronte and Virginia Woolf (coincedentally my two favourite writers) don't hold the fort too well on this one, two perfect examples of the hypothesis. On the other hand (there was a one hand back there somewhere) I'm left having to admit that I'm just a lazy writer who hasn't developed a style (yet). Not that I really care, as I described in my blogging etiquette blog, writing to formula is stupid and trying to conform to a set style is just stupider (or more stupid for that matter). And I'm also tempted to conclude that my writing style is getting worse, quite possibly correlated to the times at which I blog... can anyone actually write something coherent at 5am? I'll let you know when I get my grade back for my sociology essay.

Anyway, 3 conclusions is enough, I'm not sure it's healthy to analyse a blog to that level. But just to ramble on about a few other observations... I seemed to really care, to begin with, that I would look narcisstic by keeping a blog. Now, I figure that all writers are narcisstic... as someone once said, the biography of any character is that of the author. Not really, I would still hate to make a narcisstic impression with my blog but at the same time, I'm not quite so paranoid that it'll look like that. I think I should be more worried about sounding snobby, although that said, I will never, ever find it within myself to be sympathetic of bad spelling. Especially from other bloggers.
As I've blogged, it's also become a lot more important to me, as has writing in general. I started blogging mainly thanks to Brooke's influence but also thanks to a note I wrote on facebook describing my trip to the Sheffield open day to which 8 people responded which made me realise that other people can find silly anecdotes quite funny. Anyway, nowadays I blog and keep a journal and have done other writing jobs which I would boast about if I was into self-promoting. And I absolutely love writing. Especially as I never seem to be able to say how I feel or what I mean, which usually results in, at worst, me saying something I really regret or at best, just contradicting myself and sounding like I don't really know anything... which I sometimes think I don't. Whoever I talk to and whatever about, my sentences always end up disintegrating into me saying "I don't know" which I've discovered is never actually helpful. But when I blog, I can spend lots of time trying to think of the right words to say (and although it'd be dire to admit, I've learnt my fair share of new words courtesy of thesaurus.com over the past 10 months) and if I blog something and regret it the next day, it's all gone and undone at the click of a button... and you can't regret what you write in a journal, you just cringe to death reading it afterwards. And that is why I love writing and also why I nearly always write to someone if it's something serious.

Hmm well the little flashing cursor has disappeared which I'm taking to be a sign that I should stop blogging, as all I'm really doing is adding more babble to the pre-existing babble I'm babbling about and cringing over. So, for the people who do still read my blog, there's very little chance that anytime soon I'll stop; making blogs full of pointless continuous prose, blogging with lyrics and an accompanying youtube video of the song, posting up photos of the squalor in which I live (having done this 3 times now, it seems to earn it's place in this list), referring you to stupid newspaper articles, telling you my schedule for the coming month, or, blogging randomly about something serious and/or religious.

So, 7am start tomorrow anyone?

Friday, January 09, 2009


Fall Down By Jennifer Knapp

Judge Me Not Ye Saints
For My History May Be Tainted
But I'm Sober Enough To Know Blood When I See It
I've Borne My Share Of Stones
Most Of Them Easily Thrown
But Who's To Deny
Your Water-Shed Side
Leading Me Home?


What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
Past Regrets And Long Laments They Find Me Somehow
O, What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
What Have I To Do But Fall Down?
To Spy From Far Away
May Seem That I'm One To Betray
But O, How I Try
The Spirit To Guide
The Promise You Made


Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me

This is her singing it live, the song starts around 1.20:

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Just lots of unrelated anecdotes.

So I haven't blogged for a while... or what is a while in my terms anyway and my poor excuse is my brand spanking new journal which has stolen the place of my blog as my therapy. It was incredibly distressing to finish my old one, I'm not gonna lie, it was amazing as made by my crafty hands but I figured as it's a new year, I could stretch to a new journal instead of just adding more pages to the old one. So, one long, expensive trip to Hobbycraft and a few hours cutting and sticking later, and I have a new one which looks pretty much the same as the old one but with more pages in anticipation of all my creative musings (i wish).

Anyway, I've got 2 more weeks left til I have to go back to uni for exams and I am looking forward to tomorrow immensely as it's the start of the 1st week I get the house to myself during the day, meaning I can get up to whatever uninterrupted mischief I want, namely procrastination.

I'm going to be overly honest here and talk resolutions. Last year, I managed to fulfil my hope for 08, although pretty much in the nick of time, as it's only been in the past month or two that I've been doing it. I don't really want to broadcast what it was although it's not a secret. I am pleased with myself though as I think when I made it my hope I didn't think in a million years I'd get to the place of fulfilling it. This year, my resolution is to stick to my morals more. I'm so good at giving into peer pressure and uni has taken its toll on my impressionable nature. I'm not exactly a rebellious wildchild (don't get me wrong :S) but I'm not the obedient God-pleaser I aspire to be either and if there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's being inbetween anything (which is definitely not always a good thing). Talking of last minute achievements, I always said Id learn the guitar in 08 but never did. Anyway, I started to learn some chords on the 20th Dec and managed to learn 15 chords and be able to play a few songs by the 31st. Now my corridormates get the joy of hearing me strumming chords on my out of tune guitar (I don't know how you tune them!) and screeching along to Kelly Clarkson at the top of my lungs.

My mum got a wii fit for Christmas which definitely deserves a mention as it's become the central amusement of the Sweeney household. (wow writing that brings back memories of the Sweeney newsletter me and Claire used to make and distribute to our parents and siblings, informing them of what they'd been up to recently). It's an ongoing battle with 4 of us (mum dad rach and me) all trying to outdo each others scores on the games. Mum's been on it everyday since Christmas as I get informed of by the handy chart, on display for all, which records every minute you spend on it, not to mention your BMI and every slight weight fluctuation. I like it although in a particularly typical fashion of myself, there's only a couple of games I like so I play them over and over rather than doing it all.

I can't think of much else to report on, there was New Years and a few other nights out, none of which have details appropriate for the blog although sadly home friends aren't quite as sensitive with their photo censoring as my friends from uni are, resulting in evidence plastered across facebook for anyone to see and every so often I suddenly recall another certain person I have as a friend on facebook and the embarrassment sets in all over again.

Anyway, yea that's it...