Sunday, January 11, 2009

reflecting on reflections but roaming into rambling

So I just had a little re-read of some of what I've written on here over the past 10 months and I've drawn a few conclusions.

1) I was the world's biggest stresspot over exams and I should have believed a) my Dad when he told me I'd get into Sheffield, b) my sisters when they told me A-levels aren't that big a deal, and c) the 20,000 people who thought saying "you'll be fine" would help matters.

2) I've been far too honest. I don't know what has compelled me at times to hurl into cyberspace details about my acne, leg hair and boob size let alone all the anecdotes in which I've divulged details of drunken nights, rants about how awful life is and videos of me jumping around singing. I read a particularly worrying corresponding secret on postsecret this week. It said: "you think i'm reading your mind but really i'm just reading your blog". I've tried to protect myself against this by being overly open about my blog. It's not secret or private and I'm fully aware anyone could be reading it (as I discovered, but that's another story) but at the same time I often assume less people keep up with it than in reality, as I discovered when I accidentally went into diary mode and discovered I'm accountable to a lot more people than I accounted for!

3) There is absolutely no consistency in what, how or when I write. Now I'm stuck. On the one hand I could blame the erratic-ness on my creative nature but today I read in my textbook that creative people usually have a mental disorder of some description. I suppose Emily Bronte and Virginia Woolf (coincedentally my two favourite writers) don't hold the fort too well on this one, two perfect examples of the hypothesis. On the other hand (there was a one hand back there somewhere) I'm left having to admit that I'm just a lazy writer who hasn't developed a style (yet). Not that I really care, as I described in my blogging etiquette blog, writing to formula is stupid and trying to conform to a set style is just stupider (or more stupid for that matter). And I'm also tempted to conclude that my writing style is getting worse, quite possibly correlated to the times at which I blog... can anyone actually write something coherent at 5am? I'll let you know when I get my grade back for my sociology essay.

Anyway, 3 conclusions is enough, I'm not sure it's healthy to analyse a blog to that level. But just to ramble on about a few other observations... I seemed to really care, to begin with, that I would look narcisstic by keeping a blog. Now, I figure that all writers are narcisstic... as someone once said, the biography of any character is that of the author. Not really, I would still hate to make a narcisstic impression with my blog but at the same time, I'm not quite so paranoid that it'll look like that. I think I should be more worried about sounding snobby, although that said, I will never, ever find it within myself to be sympathetic of bad spelling. Especially from other bloggers.
As I've blogged, it's also become a lot more important to me, as has writing in general. I started blogging mainly thanks to Brooke's influence but also thanks to a note I wrote on facebook describing my trip to the Sheffield open day to which 8 people responded which made me realise that other people can find silly anecdotes quite funny. Anyway, nowadays I blog and keep a journal and have done other writing jobs which I would boast about if I was into self-promoting. And I absolutely love writing. Especially as I never seem to be able to say how I feel or what I mean, which usually results in, at worst, me saying something I really regret or at best, just contradicting myself and sounding like I don't really know anything... which I sometimes think I don't. Whoever I talk to and whatever about, my sentences always end up disintegrating into me saying "I don't know" which I've discovered is never actually helpful. But when I blog, I can spend lots of time trying to think of the right words to say (and although it'd be dire to admit, I've learnt my fair share of new words courtesy of thesaurus.com over the past 10 months) and if I blog something and regret it the next day, it's all gone and undone at the click of a button... and you can't regret what you write in a journal, you just cringe to death reading it afterwards. And that is why I love writing and also why I nearly always write to someone if it's something serious.

Hmm well the little flashing cursor has disappeared which I'm taking to be a sign that I should stop blogging, as all I'm really doing is adding more babble to the pre-existing babble I'm babbling about and cringing over. So, for the people who do still read my blog, there's very little chance that anytime soon I'll stop; making blogs full of pointless continuous prose, blogging with lyrics and an accompanying youtube video of the song, posting up photos of the squalor in which I live (having done this 3 times now, it seems to earn it's place in this list), referring you to stupid newspaper articles, telling you my schedule for the coming month, or, blogging randomly about something serious and/or religious.

So, 7am start tomorrow anyone?

1 comment:

Laura said...

I'm perfectly ok with that. It seems to me that 9 times out of 10 you always manage to keep me grounded when I read your blog... don't stop!!
Just remember the MKB days, we used to blog about anything and everything and loved it!!