Tuesday, October 06, 2009

...and i thought...

Last night, overcome with stress and busy-ness and with the ceiling of my bad news threshold well and truly battered, I went in search of some peace and solitude away from the craziness of my house and the emptiness of my bedroom. I went to my favourite place for contemplation: Bole Hill. There I sat with my ipod playing in my ear, my legs tucked under my chest and my hood pulled up, I thought 'it's just you and me God' and I proceeded to contemplate as I looked out at the city lights and tried to forget that there was any place in the world other than there. What did I contemplate? I thought about those I love so much who have walked away from God. I thought about myself; my insecurities, my character, my faith. I began to wonder why I'm here in Sheffield, doing this degree (a danger it seems for anyone who dares to contemplate). I wondered what it is that always brings me back to the same old habits of coping and I contemplated the seeming elusivity of freedom. I thought about my fears and my friendships. I thought of those I know suffering at the moment, in their various ways. As I stared out at the city, I thought about all the people in the lit up houses and wondered what they were doing, what they believe in, what they'd fight for. I thought about this next term and how things seem to be heading. I thought about all the people I know, all the things I do, all the places I love. I thought about heaven. I thought I should like many moments like this in heaven, when I can sit in utter stillness, invisible to the world yet fully present in the sight of God. I thought all these things and I got confused. But most of all, I thought these thoughts are so much bigger than me, so much deeper than a mind of matter should let me delve and it made me grateful that there's One who is bigger than me and deeper, who can understand all these thoughts and feelings that I just can't.

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