lookingforlimerence

time

2012-01-21T16:11:00.000Z

Time, it’s all about time. Live revolves around it, it dictates everything. We live by the clock, we can’t speed it up and we can’t slow it down. The ticking never stops; the hands never stop moving. We have too much of it, but we don’t have enough of it. Every breath we take finds itself on some never-ending timeline that extends from the moment the cells form into a foetus to the moment our cells re-join the earth as dust. And even then, we only slot into one much bigger and greater timeline of which our humble hours on this earth only impinge as much as we allow ourselves to achieve. Time stops for no one.

Then we meet another soul, who has their own timeline. Paths cross, hours are spent together, and eventually your time continues to tick, as does theirs, as does everybody’s, but their time is no longer any of your business. A brief collision of lives that can change the course of your entire life’s collection of passed seconds, but is gone before you even have the time to understand it all.

It’s bizarre, this time thing. Take any moment in your existence and press the proverbial pause button, and you’ll see that time is not at all as linear as our timelines would suggest. Memories, flashbacks, images of the past, stand alive in our minds, as real as the moment they were lived. The future, imaginations and visions of what could, or what will be, flashing by behind your eyes, as neurons fire and thought processes are triggered. Who you are, right in any moment, is defined by events and instances that can’t be erased, can’t be unimagined.

Time is a healer, they say. Give anything time and eventually the emotions that are entwined with that anything fade away and you can begin to rebuild a world. But there comes the problem of waiting, the pain of waiting, the torment of letting the hours slip by, knowing that it could all be in vain anyway, that these feelings might actually never die. But I prefer to believe those that tell me time heals. I prefer to imagine it will all be better once the plaster of time has covered up what is actually the reality of this moment.

black out the sun

2011-12-11T14:03:00.000Z

No turn off the sun
take down the moon
for I don't need them anymore

go switch off the stars
and paint the sky black
love isn't ever coming back

there is no use in imagining a world without you
your love was like a drug I was addicted to

Cause there is nobody else who could hurt like you hurt me
I don't want to be lonely
and there is no other way
there's no joy
there's no meaning
just this hollowed out feeling
now all the loves gone
and nothing grows here
and I just feel wrong so black out the sun

and all the we shared will slowly disappear
there’s a hole where my soul used to grow so just black out the sun

No stop all the rain and poison the ground
love doesn’t want to hang around
go turn all the fruits into bits of wine

it was only sweet when you were mine
there is an emptiness inside of me
since you been gone

all the world has lost it's meaning
all my colors run

And nothing compares
how could it even dare
cause now that love's gone I want to black out the sun

- Darren Hayes

not sure who you can rely on anymore

2011-12-08T00:25:00.000Z

So, I got my first essay back of the term and I got a massive 63% which I was really pleased with as it seems the majority of the year got marks in the early 50s. Who knew I could surpass my expectations of myself on such an inane essay. I'm spurred on to keep going now!

I've just submitted my 2nd essay. I'm not going to try and second guess my mark but I really enjoyed writing it and I am pleased with my 7 pages of words.

And I already have a plan for the next one which is due in 5 weeks time.

Anyway, I'm not writing that to blow my own trumpet but rather to make a point. Point being that people seem to be letting me down all over the place at the moment, flaking out on me or generally not being great friends (stuff like only asking how things are going when they are fishing for gossip). So I have learnt that the only person you really can rely on is yourself. And I feel that I have been pretty reliable this semester!!

Of course, I reap the benefits as while everyone else is in major panic mode over everything I'm just quietly (and admittedly smugly) getting on with things and getting ever closer to the elusive end goal.

And also, in respect of my last post things have not really improved. Although I also had a realisation on that front. I've been Busy (with a capital B) for the last few days, I've been in lectures, done loads of fun things with friends, been way more sociable. But I've still had a nagging feeling of loneliness (not helped by none of my best friends coming to my birthday party) and I think the loneliness may never have been about being in solitude for too long but rather a loneliness due to being without a certain person. So in that respect I guess I can fill my time with endless dinners out, lunchtimes with other SW students, baking sessions with new friends and visits to old ones but this loneliness will never really leave while I'm still holding onto what was.

what a lonely life

2011-12-03T23:45:00.000Z

There's only one word I can adequately use at the moment to describe my life, and that is lonely. I am so incredibly lonely (violins please). Picture the scene: it's Wednesday and I wake up and wonder what to do with my day. I watch 12 episodes of Pretty Little Liars (epic by the way) and then I meet my one friend (whose actually around) for a drink where all I basically talk about is my lost love and the resulting loneliness. Then it's Thursday. I don't even bother getting out of bed. After eventually getting up I spend the afternoon shopping... by myself. I then see my parents. A bit of face to face contact... good... but let's face it, an evening of only allowing my mature side to show while, you've guessed it, moaning about how lonely I am. Friday. Another 12 episodes of Pretty Little Liars, followed by Death in Paradise, followed by Russell Howard's Good News, followed by World's Strictest Parents (getting desperate now), followed by... well you get the picture. All of this while eating the entire contents of my kitchen cupboard. Oh and I entertained myself with an outing to Asda. I didn't know whether to be annoyed at the woman asking me if Quorn meatballs taste nice or whether to be pleased someone was actually talking to me not through a computer screen. Saturday. By this point I'm not even sure what day it is anymore. Watched more TV, played Tetris for about 3 hours, resorted to writing my essay. And guess what I've got planned for tomorrow... nothing.

I am bored. I am lonely. I am fed up of this term. And I am sick to my stomach everyday because my 'special someone' is a million miles away, watching TV, eating dinner and drinking wine with someone else. I am officially a completely pathetic case.

2011-11-20T19:31:00.000Z

What's it gonna be
Cuz I can't pretend
Don't you wanna be more than friends
Hold me tight and don't let go
Don't let go
Have the right to lose control
Don't let go

I often tell myself
That we could be more than just friends
I know you think that if we move too soon
It would all end
I live in misery when you're not around
And I won't be satisfied 'till we're taking those vows
There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking
Oh, lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking

I often fantasize
The stars above are watching you
They know my heart and speak to yours
Like only lovers do
If I could wear your clothes
I'd pretend I was you and lose control
There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking
Oh lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking, oh yeah

Running in and out my life has got me so confused
You gotta make the sacrifice
Somebody's got to choose
We can make it if we try for the sake of you and I
Together we can make it right

-En Vogue

2011-11-10T16:45:00.000Z

i really hate to let this moment go... touching your skin and your hair falling slowwhen a goodbye kiss, feels like this...
don't you wanna stay here a little whiledon't you wanna hold each other tightdon't you wanna fall asleep with me tonightdon't you wanna stay here a little whilewe can make forever feel this waydon't you wanna stay
lets take it slow i don't want to move to fast, i don't wanna just make love, i wanna make love lastwhen you're up this high, it's a sad goodbye
-Jason Aldean

2011-11-04T19:57:00.002Z

mandatory rant and rave

2011-10-31T22:31:00.001Z

It always seems impossible until it's done (Nelson Mandela)
Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish (John Quincy Adams)

You may wonder why I am spouting cheesy quotes about persevering. Well wonder no longer as I will tell you. So, this blog has got many posts about exams, all along the lines of "help, I'm gonna fail blah blah" followed by "oh I passed" but that, my dear friend, was my dramatic undergraduate self, before I gained self assurance in my academic abilities. Or not. Because this post is once again along the lines of "help, I'm gonna fail blah blah" but as I am not afflicted with the soul destroying nuisances they call exams, I am instead fearing for the worst about my first assignment.
Four days, four fooking days I have been confined within the walls of my room, staring at the same damn word document about the same bloody article. Which is where the quotes come in. Surviving on a diet of chips, barely any human interaction, inanely playing Tetris in procrastination... I am going insane. So I thought I'd encourage myself with kind words about persevering blah blah.
I'm now at that point where everything pisses me off, especially when my flatmates throw a party on Friday night (which they forgot to actually invite me to) which involved what seemed like hundreds of foreign men dressed in Halloween costumes shouting until 1.30am, and the extinction of the internet as some drunken dumbass messes with the router.
Of course, it doesn't get any better. Tomorrow I may have the joy of leaving the house, but for 5 hours of lectures. Only to come back to this prison for another dose of essay writing hell.
Still, I won't complain too long as it's all fun and games from Wednesday. If this deed is ever completed which at my rate of working I fear I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, there you go. The mandatory post where I rant and rave about another stupid education hurdle I am jumping through before I can leave the student world and become a fully fledged adult. Don't worry though, it shouldn't be too long before I write about how wonderful life is to have completed the task.

Endnote: in case you worried I had resorted to murdering my inconsiderate, mean and boring flatmates, don't worry, I only resorted to stealing their milk (which most students will agree is a far worse sin).

2011-10-28T19:42:00.002+01:00

2011-10-28T13:33:00.001+01:00

2011-10-26T18:32:00.001+01:00

basically wiped sobriety off the map

2011-10-21T11:05:00.000+01:00

So one cocktail turned to 5, and the white walls of my bathroom turned to pink as I decorated them with my vomit. Not to mention that I am now purple with bruises after causing an earthquake aftermath scene in my room just trying to get the 2 metres from my toilet to my bed. It's one of those mornings when you have a good memory of the events the night before, but actually wish that you didn't. I have not yet managed to locate where I put my contact lenses last night, assuming I managed a semi orderly attempt at removing them and putting them in their case, so I am basically blind and still not quite fully clothed but nevertheless thought I'd blog, because a) i'm probably still a bit drunk and b) i no longer have my housemates to analyse every second of the night before with and it's no fun when you can't share your drunken antics with the world.

Anyway, I had 5 hours of uni yesterday (boo!) followed by a 2 hour long coffee at Neros, followed by above mentioned antics. This concept of being busy all the time is still a bit foreign to me but I'm surviving, just about.

This week is a busy visitors week, Jess followed by Claire and Andy and then Mum and Rachel. Basically that reads as a lot of wine and a lot of food and a lot of oohs and aahs as I show off my sexy halls bedroom. Which unfortunately means I have to make a start on cleaning up all the snotty tissues (I am afflicted with a cold), all the belongings of mine that I sent flying across the room last night, and of course all the sick that is now splattered across everything. I'll start as soon as I have fully regained consciousness...

how the hell does an iron work?

2011-10-16T22:35:00.000+01:00

In an attempt to continue the momentum of my rekindled blogging habit I thought I'd write today even though nothing of any interest (well, nothing mentionable) has happened since I last wrote, and we're due to lose internet connection any day now, so before I am cut off into the abyss they call reality, I figured I would make the most of my time in cyberspace.

I went to a new church today. For the first 2 weeks of term I went to a church which was ideal really; lots of students, comfy seats (very important) and a free lunch at the end. But, they say no church is perfect and I didn't really have to look very far to discover an imperfection that was too big to ignore... You see, I really don't mind churches that are stuck in the 90's with their worship music, but ones which still sing old songs about 'ye thy dynamic spirit' and other sentences that make little sense to my modernised head just seem on a different planet where their definition of boredom is different to mine. I went for two weeks to see if there was much difference but when the vicar introduced the first song on my second week as a treasure from the 6th century I basically ran a mile. Apparently, singing newer songs would 'upset the older people in the church' which is total bull as I have seen St Peters do an amazing job of transitioning from the medieval ages into modern times. I did try and ask the vicar about it but got a pretty sharp response, and one which showed that he had absolutely no interest what so ever in whether some student that's walked in off the street likes the music or not. So long story short, the worship was bad enough (from my point of view) but the attitude of the vicar was even worse.

So this week I went to a church with very few students, very uncomfortable pews, but one with worship led by people who didn't look like they were in a coma. The songs were new (some so new I hadn't even heard them yet which for me is a rare occurrence), and I got a lovely lunch with lovely people afterwards who didn't look at me like I had 6 heads when a concern was raised.

So definitely trying that one out again.

In the afternoon I took a stroll along the canal that runs from the middle of nowhere, through Warwick and Leamington, and then into the middle of nowhere again. I enjoyed lovely views, great company, sunshine, and most importantly the feeling of freedom. Stretching my little legs beyond the bus stop was pretty satisfying. 3 hours of blissfulness. Yum.

So that was today, not exactly one of my wittiest blog posts but some info for those who may be interested in how the church search is going.

In other news, I tried to iron something today and basically after 15 mins of wondering how the hell an iron works I sort of half ironed something. Another one for the domestic goddess CV, although perhaps more impressive is how I've managed to avoid using an iron for 22 years.

back to blogging

2011-10-15T14:05:00.002+01:00

Having basically started my life again from scratch last month, I’ve found myself with a lot more time for the things I enjoy doing. Namely, strumming my guitar hoping it wont lead to any angry death threats from ear assaulted neighbours, creating ultimate mess in my room by exposing the contents of my craft box to my chaotic hands, and as of right this moment, blogging.

In the space of two weeks I’ve managed to detach myself from my ultimately messy life as things have sort of just fallen into place quite perfectly. The repercussions for this humble blog of mine is a total change in tone. Yes, you all who know me and know of my inability to outgrow my teenage angst, I warn you I may express positive emotions and thoughts. Try not to die of shock. Disclaimer done.

So, I guess a quick outline… I am now at Warwick university doing a post grad in Social Work. Which makes this blog read a bit like a story with the most predictable ending. I’d like to quickly interject here to say that being a ‘postgrad’ is like being a nun. Not because of the lack of rock and roll lifestyle (ok, so partly because of that), but more for the fact it carries a certain status, followed by the ability to evoke a common reaction from people. “Hello my name is Fi I’m a postgrad” usually follows with a look of disbelief/respect/interest from the person on the receiving end of my inadvertently juicy confession. So I’m a postgrad and now I’m actually doing a real degree, with real hours, real reading and real prospects (here is where I get killed by my fellow undergraduate psychology students, but hey, I’m a postgrad and I will enjoy the mandatory cockiness such as that we always expressed at people doing their A-Levels “oh my gorsh, as if they could dare to complain that their a-levels are hard, don’t they know what us poor undergraduate lazy sods have to go through”).

For anyone who may read this and be interested: I BLOODY LOVE MY LIFE. Not to boast but I’ve never been one to majorly ‘enjoy’ life. I think ‘endure’ was more the word I’d use. But now I am quite literally having the time of my life. My course is everything I’ve ever wanted to dedicate my time to doing, the people on my course are friendly, like minded to myself, and all quite frankly really interesting people. My room in halls is adequate, and like living in luxury after the evils of Tapton in my first year at Sheffield. I have found people who can tolerate my slightly strange nature enough to actually spend time with me, we received our bursaries this week which basically makes me rich (in student terms), I’ve refounded my organizational side and thus I am almost a normal person again instead of being an airheaded student residing in squalor which pretty much sums my former undergraduate self. Everything just feels very in control and ’neat’ and I feel less like I’m riding on the edge of the wave just waiting to drown in the shit surrounding me. That said, I’m almost scared to admit I’m happy for fear of the inevitable downturn of events but I think one of the things I’ve learnt this past summer is that not allowing yourself to be happy for fear of being unhappy again is the stupidest thing basically ever.

So, this is it really. I won’t go on with a million anecdotes from the past 2 weeks, there have been a few special moments (in both senses of the word) but things that probably wouldn’t really interest anyone except my mum.

Happy Fi :)

one thousand three hundred and ninety two words and two hundred and thirty three pounds and five pence.

2011-02-22T23:42:00.000Z

Being the youngest of four children I've always been aware of this looming hazard they name "dissertation". It's a good thing actually because I've always imagined it to be some big, scary, grown up thing, almost a rite of passage into adulthood. Yet although it is bigger, scarier and more grown up than any uni work so far, it's just the top rung of the ladder and through my 2 and a half years at uni I have climbed most the way already (look at me all positive thinking!). So there's 2.5 weeks til it's due in and I've still got 90% left to write. Worried, me... never...

So Monday I'll be getting my exam results. This time they won't be rudely interrupting my summer in the sun in Thailand as they did last time. No, they'll just be rudely interrupting my last minute attempts to scrawl out above mentioned monster. Which means if they're bad, I'll have to try very hard to hold onto any motivation to finish. Luckily for me, I need a 2:2 to get onto my course next year and I'd be surprised if I didn't manage to pull that out of the bag, despite my American TV marathons on the night before said exams.

Onto more exciting things, or should I say, motivation to keep going... I'm going to Paris in April. I don't speak a word of french but I do know I like croissants and pain au chocolats so I figure it can only be a good thing.

1 dissertation, 1 essay, 1 assignment, and 4 exams. Until the end of my psychology undergraduate degree. I'm ticking them off one by one...

i am broken but i am chosen

2010-11-10T00:54:00.001Z

From my world, I'm so far away
Sinking to the depths and stuck in this daze
Lost touch of the way I really feels
All for a label that I've made real

I found something I know is me
But it conflicts so much, doesn't agree
And I'm lost on the path I've chosen to take
What if it's all one big mistake?

It's another battle to fight my way through
As to the answers, I haven't a clue
But somewhere is joy and there's always hope
So through this struggle I know I'll cope

I am broken... but I am chosen
Things have changed but I'm still open
I'll never go back to what I thought was true
But we're in it together, me and You

2010-11-09T14:58:00.000Z

I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again.
I fall to pieces.
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed.
You want me to forget, pretend we've never met.
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet.
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

I fall to pieces,
Each time someone speaks your name.
I fall to pieces.
Time only adds to the flame.

You tell me to find someone else to love,
Someone who'll love me too, the way you used to do.
But each time I go out with some one new,
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

You walk by and I fall to pieces.
~ Patsy Cline

near to you

2010-08-27T17:51:00.000+01:00

Near to You ~ A Fine Frenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to You, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And You are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to You.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being Yours
Won't You stay with me
Please

Near to You, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where You are
I only know that I am
Better where You are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to You, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to You

u-turning for jesus

2010-08-25T16:06:00.000+01:00

this morning, yesterday morning and the morning before were mornings spent with a tea-towel on my head and sand stuck in my toes as i pretended i was in egypt for this year's holiday club. it's been flippin fun so far, from being wrapped in toilet roll to replicate a mummy, to quick thinking activities to keep the 6 year olds occupied as they get through activities so quickly.

anyway, that's my current excitement in life as, asides from that, nothing is happening of any interest whatsoever.

2nd year of uni finished, i spent 6 weeks in thailand running around off the rails, came home and went to soul survivor, which was 5 days of being very much on the rails (despite how impossible it was) and now i'm stuck in an awkward limbo where i don't quite have that freedom to roam into any area of self destructive rebellion yet neither am i having to adhere to any particularly strict ways of living. ironically, i am desperate to go back to sheffield, not so that i can roam free but so that i can get into some self imposed boundaried ways of living before i wander so far away from the path that i fall off the edge of the cliff.

so i have 2 more mornings to spend in egypt, learning as much as the children about my helping, providing and forgiving god. and now i am going to try and respond to that by u-turning for jesus.

"the hardest thing to do is always the best thing to do"

2010-06-13T22:51:00.002+01:00

a quote from casualty last night:
"the hardest thing to do is always the best thing to do"
made me think. and i think, it is probably true.

this step

2010-06-07T14:24:00.000+01:00

how many times have i sat on this step
how many times have i sat here and wept
shivering in the cold night air
the raindrops soaking into my hair

and how many times have we sat on this step
huddled together, trying to forget
watching the stars as they shine in the sky
drunk on wine as we try to get by

and how many times have i sat on this step
when the rest of the world have gone to bed
when you join me here to make things ok
and you change me with the things that you say

and how many times have i sat on this step
the world goes by and here i'm left
behind the door i leave it all
and see the future over the wall

and how many times have i sat on this step
trying to let go of all this hurt i've kept
wishing time would fly by ten years
and i'd have forgotten all these fears

and how many times have i sat on this step
the rays of sunshine fade as the sun sets
how many times have i sat on this step?
so many times have i sat on this step.

the most frustrating thing

2010-06-01T02:44:00.000+01:00

everyone wants their first love story
to play like a fairy tale
together forever, just you and me
and all that young love entails

one can bring so much complication
two brings so much worse
one can mishandle life so much
that being together can be a curse

love is just the most frustrating thing
when you think you've got it all together
and another sting it brings
love is just the saddest thing
when you think it's all together
and then you lose everything

everyone wants that special person
to have as their number one
but when two lives come together
things don't always go as you want them done

love can seem designed to hurt
when it breaks your fragile heart
the symptom of humanity
that we can only love in part

love is just the most frustrating thing

when you think you've got it all together

and another sting it brings

love is just the saddest thing

when you think it's all together

and then you lose everything

revision city

2010-05-18T11:45:00.000+01:00

As the world knows, my attention span resembles that of a 12 month old baby. So obviously, being that time of year again with impending exams (1 week tomorrow as I type) , some drastic measure was required to protect me from every shiny thing that came along while i was supposed to be revising (namely, facebook, my guitar and housemate banter). So, the most logical thing seemed to be to simply leave my bedroom (which only had enough floor space left for my little toe) and my housemates (who are bloody hilarious but not so contributing towards my psychology revision) and take a train to anywhere, in this case, Liverpool. And not just liverpool, but the end of liverpool where everyone owns pitbull terriers and 300 children each and where all the bins are chained to the drainpipes to avoid bin robberies by the scally kids who want to go on a bin style adventure. Nevertheless, there are fewer distractions here and enough space to walk (well, there was until we arrived). So, it has been a weekend of cram-cram-cramming.
I've got to say, you know revision is going well when;
1. the living room becomes living room, bedroom and kitchen all in one, as you lie on bed eating biscuits and typing away
2. you have bought half of tesco's biscuit and chocolate supply
3. you get so bored you amuse yourself by buying ice cream cones and ice cream and pretending you're on holiday... in your living room
4. you drink 12 litres of diet coke in 3 days
5. you've got 3 hours worth of your own voice on your ipod, talking about health, social influence and life development.
6. you eat popcorn out of a saucepan while drinking wine... at 10am.
7. you go for regular 'walks around the block' and 'stretches of the legs'
8. whenever you close your eyes, you see a mindmap
9. every 10 minutes you utter the mandatory words: "i'm gonna fail!"
10. you recite positive statements to yourself "i can succeed"
11. the excitement of a fire engine outside leads you to sit and watch the stationary vehicle for 15 minutes before realising it's not going to do anything
12. you get to 9pm and decide the day is over and it's time to watch tv
13. you eat so much crap you forget what savoury food tastes like until dinner time when you are starkly reminded by chips... for the 4th day running.
14. you end up having stupid banter about "who's sperm should i steal to have a baby" and "what would you do if i... "
15. you start losing the will to type, such as spelling 'toe' as 'tow'
16. you... dumdumduuuum... tidy
17. you phone home/friends/person in room with you/ any random number just to add some amusement
18. you try sleeping in random positions to try and bring some excitement into life
19. you play tetris/ doodle jump/ sudoku/ any sort of gadget game after every page read in the textbook, to spur you on to turn the page
20. you start writing everything in numbered lists

bring on the end of exams.

2010-05-12T18:42:00.000+01:00

chocolate and coffee
cigarettes and wine
some things go together
like it's how it is designed

sunshine and bikinis
the padlock and the key
some things go together
as they should always be

like you and me, like you and me

cos we are two of a kind
and i like being so intertwined
we are like family
the world's our pod and we are the peas

paintbrushes and canvas
passion and desire
some things are the petrol
that will always cause the fire

gin and slimline tonic
the moonlight and the stars
some things are better
just the way they are

like you and me, you and me

two things

2010-05-05T00:26:00.000+01:00

two things: righteousness and open- heartedness.

reading through the psalms recently, i was struck by the recurring theme of righteousness.

"Love and faithfulness meet together, righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps" (Psalm 85)

"Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. Light is shed upon the righteous and joy on the upright heart. Rejoice in the Lord, you who are righteous and praise his holy name" (Psalm 97)

'righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps' this made me think about how it's so easy to go about daily life while sitting and waiting for God to show up. especially the hard times, it's easy to question where God is when he seems so silent. but i love this idea of righteousness preparing the way for him. why should i expect God to show up if there is so much sin in my life? my life is not fit for the perfect king.

it also answers the question for me about the tension between grace and law. on the one hand, as a christian i should follow God's 'rules', on the other hand, where's the motivation if, ultimately, all my sin is covered in grace? well, my life will never be fully fit for the perfect king but with righteous intentions, it will be a heck of a lot better than a selfish life relying on grace to get by. and i want my life to be fit for the king, because i want him to step in. so there's grace for those times when i humanly fail to act righteously, but i still want to abide by righteous intentions so that my heart is in the right place for Jesus to step in.

'light is shed upon the righteous' i've spent so long, wondering where God is, blunting my hurts with rebellion. no wonder i've found myself in such dark places when i've been so unfaithful and so unrighteous.

i feel a call on my life to be more righteous, to be more holy. to prepare my heart and my life for Jesus to step in.

the second thing: open-heartedness.

God's been speaking to me about opening my heart to people. I've been pleasantly surprised lately how far a little honesty can go to contributing to healing. in the picture above is an open heart locket, which my friend gave to me as a symbol of my open heart. i was really touched by that gift and i feel secure in God's promise of freedom, which can only really come through honesty and openness.

2010-05-02T01:01:00.000+01:00

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun...
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos ~~she~~ they will love you more than I could
~~She~~ Anyone who [ever] dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I we have to do

~ Missy Higgins

nothing will ever break us

2010-04-18T23:46:00.000+01:00

well i've been trying so long

to write you a song

but everything just seemed wrong

i think the problem lies

in that there are no words to describe

quite how beautiful you are

quite how beautiful you are to me

nothing can ever break us

no storms can ever shake us

nothing that's coming our way

will be enough

for us to say

goodbye

i'm so looking forward to

another year with you

i'll add another verse or two

who knew i'd find a friend like you

special ones come far and few

we'll always stay true

nothing will ever break us

no storms will ever shake us

nothing that's coming our way

will be enough for us to say

goodbye

2010-04-18T14:31:00.003+01:00

I'm alive but tell me am I free?
I've got eyes but tell me can I see?
the sky is falling and no one knows
it shouldn't be hard to believe
shouldn't be this difficult to breathe
the sky is falling and no one knows

~ Lifehouse

all's well that ends well

2010-04-16T22:32:00.000+01:00

it's that time of year again; the time i get my knickers in a twist over exams. you would have thought by now i'd had learnt that worrying about them doesn't work and getting my arse into gear does. so i've got 6 weeks until it's all over and i'm trying to remind myself (and everyone else) that it always works out in the end.

and at the end of it all, i get to go to thailand for 6 weeks.
motto of the month:
alls well that ends well

adventures

2010-03-28T11:28:00.001+01:00

i am officially going to thailand this summer.
for 6 weeks.
with the bestest girl in the world.
and we're gonna be free spirits.
cos that doesn't happen often.
we're gonna be real adventurers.
i've had the jabs in my arms.
it wasn't the best experience.
but i'd do anything for her.
i'd have a million trillion injections.
i'm even gonna get a bikini.
and we're gonna go to the beach.
and we're gonna sleep out in a little hut.
and be real adventurers.
i'm gonna work loads of shifts.
to get as much money as possible.
so that i can afford to spoil us.
and afford to be real adventurers.
i'm gonna try thai food.
i hate rice.
but i'd do anything for her.
and anyway, i'm a real adventurer.
we're gonna buy pretty little dresses.
when we get home.
cos it's her brother's wedding.
we're gonna watch them start their adventure.
we're gonna pass all our exams.
before all this.
then we'll really be free.
to adventure.
we're gonna eat chocolate again.
cos it's been a long time without sugar.
i couldn't have lasted without her.
it's her birthday this week.
and i'm gonna spoil her.
cos i'd do anything for her.
cos she's my fellow adventurer.
i'm gonna give her so many presents.
and we're gonna do some crazy things.
we're gonna have an adventure.
we've done crazy things.
we stepped outside the box.
went a bit mad.
but adventures always are a little crazy.
and i'd do anything for her.
so.
we're gonna have many more adventures.
i'm gonna have many more adventures.
with the bestest girl in the world.

not that i know what to write

2010-03-22T00:22:00.000Z

it's been too long since i last blogged. thus, i shall blog a lot of random stuff to pass the time by.

unbelievably, it's nearly april already. the two year anniversary of this blog has passed me by and it astounds me how the things i wrote back in 2008 feel like yesterday. two years have shown me many things and, looking with a little hindsight, things always seem to end up resolved. somehow. i feel the steady correlation between time and life experiences has recently taken a steep road; that is, i seem to have experienced many more things in the last 6 months than i had in the 20 years prior to that. i thought being a teenager was hard, but it seems being an adult is actually marginally harder. but if there's one thing i've managed to learn is that things usually end up alright and i guess for now it's just a case of riding them out without amassing too many regrets along the way.

it's suddenly the easter holidays. it's been almost a month since i ate any sugar which has been a challenge (technically for lent but to say it's in any way for religion's sake is a lie, it's more for the arbitrary challenge of it). a lot of afternoon naps (well, sleeps) have reduced my productivity immensely but still, when i consider all the calories i've avoided by going cold turkey on all chocolate, sweets, biscuits and cakes and all the money i've saved, it is almost worth it. however, i already intend to break it on easter day by eating a whole bag of mini eggs.

last weekend was surreal. usually, i am not spontaneous in the least. i do not spend vast amounts of money and i cannot be bothered to venture beyond my lecture theatre unless it's for the sake of exercising. however, recent stressful events at my uni house led me to go on a slight rampage. it all began with an innocent trip with a certain unnamed person, not that it takes much to guess, to meadowhall for the mundane reason that my ipod broke and i had to take it back to the shop. but innocent trip turned into dinner in a restaurant, followed by 2 bottles of wine (yup, i'm a lightweight, all details following were the result of just one bottle of wine), various other unmentionable activities and ending up with some very happy memories along with the memory loss. the next morning, still in a state of semi- inebriation, after only 3 hours sleep and with some painful injuries, i had the bright idea of going with unnamed person to their lecture. en route we stopped at boots to buy alka seltzer with added caffeine for damage control. at 9.a.m. i pretty much spent the lecture playing connect 4 against myself, giggling and feeling very close to chundering. we then ran to my lecture at 10 a.m, by which point i was pretty much asleep. we then went to a cafe for lunch (very out of character for my thrifty, weight conscious self!) before embarking on a walk down to botanical gardens, followed by tesco where i bought lots of seeds and nuts as part of a random muesli making adventure, that seemed the most logical thing to do on such a random day. the sight of all the food in tesco, however, made my stomach churn so much i nearly vowed never to drink again. we then went home and made 4kg of muesli altogether, with various healthy, sugar- free, overpriced, rabbit food resemblant components. an hour later and we were on our way to watch an ice skating show; think the xfactor finals but with ice skating instead of singing. it was cold but spectacular and was the perfectly random end to a perfectly random day.

saturday, however, consisted of 6 hours spent in the library with my dying laptop, reading about stuff i don't give a toss about. then, in an attempt to redeem myself of my faults from the night before, i went and fed the homeless before having an early night after watching a documentary about a woman who lost weight so she could give her dying husband a kidney.

i recently went to norwich for the weekend which was really lovely. jess' brother and his wife are beautiful, godly people and i definitely felt inspired coming home again. it was also lovely to see elisha for a catch up and to remember my life outside of sheffield.

i'm also going to thailand for at least a month this summer, because apparently i need to in order to 'fully understand' jess. actually, i'm going because i want to see her life, see a bit of the world and see some sea and sand. the only issue is my mum's certainty that going abroad results in death despite the fact i am going with someone who has lived abroad for 16 years. but i maintain that i would rather die young having an adventure than live til old age and to have never explored the world, there's only so many discoveries to be made along manchester road.

speaking of manchester road, a recent adventure led to the discovery of a secluded forest (found after lots of wall jumping and probably tresspassing). the sun was shining through the trees and as i sat on the logs around where a campfire had been, i imagined all the things in my life i'd throw in the fire and let burn, if i could. i deemed it the 'wood of nothing' and it was pretty sad to have to leave and return to my bedroom of everything. however, the sun may have been shining but it wasn't warm, and the one advantage of having everything is having central heating. it is funny though, how 20 minutes biking up the road can make you feel a million miles away from home.

so, that is everything and all, and probably a bit too much detail in some places.

see, i told you i didn't know what to write.

love, love, love i want your love

2010-02-25T01:03:00.000Z

1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love

then becomes now

2010-02-08T00:01:00.000Z

as i drive away
from that place where we stayed
i can still smell your scent on my collar
as i say goodbye
to that place where we lie
i wish somehow you'd follow

i need you here by my side
i wish you were mine
til the end of time
oh, i wish you were mine

i can still feel your lips
from the last time we kissed
and i'll never forget that feeling
i'll miss you forever
until we're back together
this is our song i'm singing

i need you here by my side
i wish you were mine
til the end of time
oh, i wish you were mine

fifty five things that may or may not be of interest

2010-02-02T00:31:00.027Z

10 things you want:
1. this dress from new look

2. Megan Fox's hair/figure/face

3. Freedom

4. Missy Higgins' voice
5. Revival
6. a little place to hideout where i can take my tears and hideaway beautiful things.

7. to make a difference

8. to achieve stuff

9. to relive all the moments that have taken my breath away

10. to be friends forever

9 musicians/bands you love:
1. missy higgins
2. taylor swift
3. regina spektor
4. damien rice
5. sigur ros
6. brooke fraser
7. bebo norman
8. delirious
9. natasha bedingfield

8 things you do everyday:
1. write a to- do today list
2. put pen to paper
3. count my steps
4. look for the special moments
5. photograph the special moments
6. decide special moments can't be photographed
7. lose myself to the music
8. wish, hope and strive

7 things you enjoy:
1. driving; driving in the dark, driving with no destination and driving away

2. being awake when everyone else is asleep
3. intimacy
4. craft and journals, words and wordle.

5. the morning air, the evening air, the night air

6. strumming on my guitar

7. whispers of our hopes and dreams and secrets when it's you and me against the world

6 things that will always stir your heart:
1. the people on the streets who soldier on through times harder than i'll ever know
2. the people who lose the love of their lives; i cannot imagine how hard this must be
3. the little children who don't get the love they deserve from their mummies and daddies. again, i cannot imagine how hard this must be.
4. beautiful melodies and powerful lyrics
5. the diary of anne frank
6. channel 4 documentaries

5 favorites:
Movie: the truman show
Song: (this week) forgive me by missy higgins
Book: the lion the witch and the wardrobe
Food: country crisp cereal
Season: autumn

4 smells or scents you enjoy:
1. the smell of my princess: gucci envy me
2. the smell of sunday afternoons: fresh baking
3. the smell of home on a winter's day: woodsmoke
4. the smell that comes from one corner of my room: unidentified but flowery and soapy
3 places you want to go:
1. thailand
2. 2008... to put things right
3. heaven
2 Favorite Holidays:
1. momentum 20092. 'piss and shag holiday' greece 2008

1 person you’d marry on the spot:
the one who is my soulmate

2010-01-27T17:15:00.000Z

Matthew 18:3

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

2 Samuel 22:29

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.

Job 27:11

I will teach you about the power of God; the ways of the Almighty I will not conceal.

2010-01-27T15:05:00.002Z

love don't cost a thing

2010-01-21T00:15:00.000Z

something that always strikes me is the cost of love. i guess sometimes it demands a high price of you, the ultimate act of love was, afterall, very costly. and in any relationship it costs us in terms of the trust and selflessness that we need to invest in another, often forsaking our own comfort in the process.

but to just love, is so free. sometimes when you love something or someone so much, it feels like you should be paying for that privilege. the blissfulness of intimacy sometimes seems like a stolen delight, as if something so treasured should be paid for or bought in some way. i figure it works more as an exchange than a single transaction; to be loved in return is something money could never buy.

deuteronomy 6:5, 'love the lord your god with all your heart, soul and strength.' what does that cost? an investment of our entire lives; least of all the things we invest in loving one another. as if we kid ourselves that anything less than all is enough. just as the transaction of love is complete with reciprocation of love, how can we really love god unless we are making a fair exchange. he gave it all so we should give it all.

and so with those disordered and jumbled thoughts, i conclude that that's what makes love so free and yet entirely costly. and i've been realising how much easier it'd be if it didn't cost us anything but then it wouldn't be that all- consuming, fulfilling, unreserved and requited love; the sort that seems to demand a price.

let's make lemonade

2010-01-19T23:29:00.000Z

because i'm surprisingly (and perhaps a bit worryingly) casual about these exams i have next week, i found this song pretty amusing rather than intensely annoying when it decided to serenade my ears as i wandered the streets looking for some revision recess. after putting the entire of my dad's cd collection onto my ipod over christmas regardless of genre, there are some crazy- arse songs lurking that i'm yet to discover and i guess this is one.
anyway, enjoy... i thought it was bloody hilarious.

words are my weapon

2010-01-13T18:55:00.000Z

I am not precious about possessions,
but words, words I am precious about.
I'd sacrifice any longing of mine for a lifetime
if it'd earn me an hour with pen and paper.
I find failure in painting pictures,
answering equations,
debating and persuading,
but give me pen and paper and I will fill it,
with words, words of many forms and elegance,
intelligence and eloquence.
Words are my weapon,
in the places I've found myself with no defence.
I lose myself on the journey,
that just a few words can take me;
the daydream, the intrigue.
One word alone can change my mood,
my attitude.
A picture paints a thousand words, they say,
yet just one word can paint a picture.
Music expresses what words cannot, they say,
yet without words there'd be no song.
Acts speak louder than words, they say,
yet words give us the motivation for action.
The simplicity of prose brings solace,
but the intricacy brings insight.
And where is solace without insight,
where is insight without solace?
Where are we without words,
without insight or solace?
When I speak, I throw away words,
I waste them, confuse them, hurth with them.
Yet when I write I cannot only capture words,
I can use them to capture my thoughts,
to capture you.
If my thoughts are the playing field,
my writing is the court;
the chaos of my inner scribe finds peace
among pen and paper.
I love metaphors;
all the thing a word can stand for.
And then there's the words we defy to supply.
The magic lies in the unwritten coming alive.
It's my dream to share all the words
I've ever written,
and all the stories therewithin
and without that can be found.
But you and I already rely
on all the words we need.
Because we have heard the three little words,
from the one Word we need.

winter wonderland?

2010-01-12T18:59:00.002Z

nemesis

2010-01-11T23:36:00.000Z

Nemesis you’re back for the 100th time
Still committing the same old crimes
Obsession is your operative word
All because of you this occurred

Nemesis angered that you hadn’t won
Finding vengeance in round 1-0-1
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
That’s the dilemma for which you hoped

Nemesis just when I thought we were through
You returned for round 102
Back to the start return to square one
You won’t give up til the deed is done

Nemesis please stop fighting me
Too tired for round 103
I wish I could surrender from your grip
But you still cause me to slip

Nemesis I’m too weak for war
Please don’t come back for 104
Disappear to your dark realm
No one else to overwhelm

Nemesis please stop robbing lives
Just promise to stop after 105
I shouldn’t summon you back so much
But I crave your comfort, I need your touch

Nemesis ignore my pleas to become sick
I’d be crippled by round 106
Heart held together by stitches and glue
Don’t make me add binding too

Nemesis you never warn me when
Suddenly here for 107
Running in circles a catch 22
Change your tune to something new

Nemesis you pretend you’re so great
I think you are til 108
Your lies had me for a fleeting moment
Then I remembered the pain you sent

Nemesis came back for 109
Just as I thought things were fine
Go away and don’t return
When will I ever learn?

Nemesis how much more can you send?
Starting again 110...

yellow teeth

2010-01-06T01:14:00.000Z

When I see a sign like this, I see an adventure.

Cycling along this particular path was the only way I felt I could escape.

If my guitar could hear all the things I've sang as I've strummed, it'd know all my secrets.

One day, I'll do this again.

These people taught me the meaning of unconditional friendship.

Sometimes, I do things on a whim and then can't quite believe what I'm doing.

It's through the most innocent things that I've lost my innocence.

Or so the story goes...

Life scares me infinitely more than death.

The only thing which would ever make me want to live life over, would be if we could have lived more of it together.

secrets

2010-01-04T16:54:00.000Z

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

resolutions

2010-01-03T13:37:00.000Z

So, last year, my resolutions were:

write at least 3 songs
pass 1st year
read at least 20 books
start a new hobby
give up alcohol for lent
get another tattoo/ piercing
learn how to cook

and i did them all (maybe in my somewhat subjective opinion for the last one but bearing in mind this time last year i couldn't have identified a turnip).

As I couldn't really care less that it's a new year, I'm not making resolutions for this year, but there are things i'm hoping to change, which i would change regardless of the time of year; i'd like to be more tidy, more patient (far more patient), more frugal, and more active. I've already started playing my cello again these holidays which is something i've wanted to do for ages, and so far my pedometer that i got for christmas tells me i've walked 41,332 steps in 6 days. I'd also like to write more songs and read more books but there doesn't seem any point in resolving to do these things as i would do them anyway.

One resolution i probably should make though is to be more positive about 2010. So, er, happy new year.

feels like a traditional christmas + snow

2009-12-22T23:31:00.003Z

pics i've taken so far these hols:

^warm, cosy fire

^ spontaneous midnight snow walk

^ whichever season, fave place in the world= riverside

^ treats for my friends to devour, and devoured they were!

^ "sit here a while and enjoy"... many a time i have done this

^en route to church, perfect welly weather

^ my dream house

^ the teddy jess made donning the scarf i knitted

^ something jess can do better than me

^ something i can do better than jess

^the park of many memories and hopefully many more to come

masquerade

2009-12-16T02:40:00.000Z

inert... unsure of what hurts the most

sat transparent and just a ghost.

familiarity or mere contempt?

before... a meagre prelude of this attempt,

devastation descended this time,

whose arms left in which to confide?

confession tainted with masquerade,

lies and ruse... the truth to evade

who can grasp the depth of this?

quite how dark it is within the abyss?

confronted with faith of what this depicts,

every sign is justification to convict.

withered parts of heart left only to bring,

damaged and worthless through everything .

then a million dreams in one come true

a vulnerable explosion of many hues.

til reverie shattered into innumerable parts,

how to mend a trampled heart?

worst is no choice but for it to be this way,

by-product brokenness yet integrity stayed.

the rawness protests never again,

after once enough pain remains.

struggling on to make it through,

glimpses of pink but forever blue.

4 weeks without

2009-12-14T11:09:00.001Z

Only one week to go until the holidays. This time next week i'll be 20 years old, 200 miles away from Sheffield, and waving goodbye to Jessica for 3 weeks...
which got me thinking about all the things I'm going to be without for the holidays.
4 weeks without:
* having to take the bins out at stupid o'clock because i forgot to do it when it was still light enough not to trip over next door's cat
* having to spend my well earned student loan on food and mundane toiletries like toilet roll
* having to stand out in the rain for 15 minutes until 3 buses turn up at once just to pay for the privilege of smelly men and kids playing chav music only to get hurled around trying to push past all the people who stand in the aisle
* having to get up at 7:30am to make a 9am lecture about something that may as well be in japanese for all i understand
* opening the fridge to find an open packet of bacon resting on top of my lettuce
* being called jess, being confused with jess and generally feeling second best to jess
* getting subtly hinted at about the soap suds in the shower cubicle/ the dead plant i left in the kitchen/ my shoes left lying around/ making too much noise
* suffering from housemate abuse
* coming down for breakfast to find various bodies residing under a duvet on the sofa
* having 6 other people within earshot of me belting out emo songs on my guitar
* getting woken up by drunk people walking past my window
* hearing the word 'bills' 'heating' and 'washing up'
* having to keep my bedroom somewhat tidy for when people come over
* having to phone home
* having to climb a flight of stairs just to get to the living room
* hills.

Every cloud...

not a day without his unfolding grace

2009-12-10T20:20:00.000Z

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

~ 2 corinthians 4:16-18

amen!

2009-11-30T13:45:00.001Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8386154.stm

wild horses

2009-11-27T13:57:00.001Z

Wild Horses Natasha Bedingfield

I feel these 4 walls closing in

My face up against the glass

I'm looking out... hmm

Is this my life I'm wondering

It happened so fast

How do I turn this thing around

Is this the bed I chose to make

Its greener pastures I'm thinking about

Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind

I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to

Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be

Riding bare back, care free along the shore

If only that someone was me

Jumping head first headlong without a thought

To act and damn the consequence

How I wish it could be that easy

But fear surrounds me like a fence

I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but, not feel scared

I wanna run too...

Recklessly abandoning myself before you

I wanna open up my heart tell them how I feel

I wanna run with the wild horses

unpeople

2009-11-16T17:34:00.000Z

"I believe that it's not a question of what you should do to become creative, but what you should undo. To become an un-person you need to be:
unlocked, uncensored, unbound, unimpeded, unplugged, unbarred, unpredictable, unleashed, unrestricted, untamed, unrestrained, unobstructive, uninhibited, unprejudiced, unhindered, unusual, unchained and uncorked."
~ Dominic O'Brien

god's song

2009-11-08T16:57:00.000Z

"It is like the sailors in Greek mythology. They were experienced and would never normally have gone near dangerous rocks. However, many were lured into dangerous waters by the Sirens. Even though the sailors knew the sirens meant evil, they could not resist their beauty and their seductive voices, so they met their deaths dashed on the rocks...Orpheus managed to avoid death from the Sirens by singing more beautifully than they did and drowning them out. Part of what is needed to overcome bondage is to seek God all the more strongly. If we sing God's song, then even the most beautiful song of the world will pale into insignificance."

From the book I'm reading.

mess, a metaphor for... mess

2009-11-03T23:41:00.001Z

it's an ongoing issue that i think i need therapy for. proof is here, here and here.

the fact i am an utter mess at the moment is reflected in the fact that, once again, i have yet more proof of the above variety.

i was just reading back over this blog and noticed the pink scarf which i just realised was around my neck half an hour ago. i honestly have no idea how i managed to take it off and have it draped across the room. i couldn't create this sort of mess if i was trying, i swear it's some sort of genetic deformity... it's just so natural to be messy!

i reckon it must be time to reprioritise when it's 23:40, i have a 9am and i'm blogging about the mess which i have to clear in order to have enough room to sleep tonight. ah it sucks to be a mess.

a wise friend of mine said this

2009-10-30T21:00:00.004Z

http://radical-evangelical.blogspot.com/2009/07/click-flash.html

on a night like tonight you bring me to life

2009-10-27T19:09:00.000Z

This is Lodge Lane; a long windy lane with a 15% incline which me and Jess whizzed down last night. I was cacking myself... it was pitch black, there were some angry looking cows chilling out along the way and I thought I was gonna go head over handlebars. Jess, on the other hand, was loving it. For the rest of the way back I peddled for my life along the pitch black Manchester Road while Jess casually stopped every so often to look at the stars. It was so beautiful though, you can see all the way down into the valley which Manchester road runs through and the city lights are even more beautiful the higher up you spectate from.

Other Side of Day~ Bebo Norman

Was it You who spoke the earth to be?

And wrapped it all in mystery

For the taking

Is it Thee who turned away my soul?

From evidence so beautiful

That You gave me

When I’ve fallen in the shadows of the sun

Only You remain the hope on what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight

You bring me to life

And remind me there’s another side of day

Where I will see all that You are

More than a sky full of stars

And the worries of this world will fall away

On the other side of day

Is it time that gets the best of us?

Reminding all the rest of us

That it’s fading

Yeah, it’s fading

Oh, but You still hold the hands of time

And pave the way to paradise

Can You take me?

Cause the world is just a shadow of the sun

Only You remain the hope of what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight

You bring me to life

And remind me there’s another side of day

Where I will see all that You are

More than a sky full of stars

And the worries of this world will fall away

On the other side of day

Where all who are alone

Finally make it home

To a world of wonder

Where love is not a lie

And all who seek will find

Their search is finally over

Cause on a night like tonight

You bring me to life

And remind me there’s another side of day

Where I will see all that You are

More than a sky full of stars

And the worries of this world will fall away

On the other side of day

there's a point concealed in here somewhere

2009-10-23T21:33:00.001+01:00

"In my Father's house are many rooms... I am going there to prepare a place for you" ~ Jesus

Rollercoasters, chocolate, back to back viewing of Smallville, kissing in the rain, shopping at Liverpool One, nights in front of the fireplace, the Xfactor final etc etc... all very fun in their own right but none of these give me even a fraction of the kicks I get out of walks, cycles and drives with no destination. There's something about putting one foot in front of the other and simply following my nose which captures my imagination and sense of adventure and to walk aimlessly with no knowing what is around the corner is what, for me and my sheltered past experience of the world, is the epitome of adventure.
I love the thrill of walking through woods; discovering water, the eerie rustling of the trees and unwalked paths.
I love the fear of solitary nightwalks; invisible to the world, silent lanes and views of the city lights.
I love the excitement of getting lost; turning down roads with no knowing where they lead, walking in a straight line hoping to have walked a circle and looking for any sign that points to a familiar place.
I love how a mile turns to 10, how for every uphill hike there's a downhill trot and how nobody knows where I am or where I'm headed, including me.
I love my ipod playing in my ear, a piece of unwritten writing forming in my head and how by the end of the walk the solutions to all life's problems seem so much clearer.
I've seen so many intriguing things on walks such as these. Tonight alone I had the excitement of a fox, a fight and a road called Carsick Hill Road.

The thing is though, no matter how aimless I intend the journey to be, there is always an end destination- home. It never really is a journey with no destination. Despite all the excitement, when my legs start to ache so much I can barely take another step, when I'm so desperate for some refreshment, and when it's all getting a little dark and scary, I just want to end up back at that safe place that's home.
And I realise how much those walks are like life- it's exciting, I experience so many unexpected things, I never know what's around the corner, at times I'm wandering aimlessly and a lot of it is spent off track but when it starts to get a bit tiring and frightening, I remember that I am always heading to the end destination- home.

growing

2009-10-17T22:42:00.001+01:00

So just to totally and utterly steal Rachel's blog style, I wanted to share a few things in my life at the moment that are growing...

1) My faith

2) My sense of adventure

3) My friendships

4) My hair (!)

5) My social awareness

6) My journal collection

7) My self- esteem

"My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
So I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams" ~ Kutless

we reach for more

2009-10-12T18:09:00.000+01:00

Reaching- Carolyn Arends

There’s a time I can recall

Four years old and three feet tall

Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar

And both were out of reach

And later on in my high school

It seemed to me a little cruel

How the right words to say always seemed to stay

Just out of reach

Well I should not have thought it strange

That growing causes growing pains

‘Cause the more we learn the more we know

We don’t know anything

But still it seems a tragic fate

Living with this quiet ache

The constant strain for what remains

Just out of reach

Chorus

We are reaching for the future

We are reaching for the past

And no matter what we have we reach for more

We are desperate to discover

What is just beyond our grasp

But maybe that’s what heaven is for

There are times I can’t forget

Dressed up in my Sunday best

Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn

A bit of what the preacher preached

And later lying in the dark

I felt a stirring in my heart

And though I longed to see what could not be seen

I still believed

I guess I shouldn’t think it odd

Until we see the face of God

The yearning deep within us tells us

There’s more to come

So when we taste of the divine

It leaves us hungry every time

For one more taste of what awaits

When heaven’s gates are reached

Repeat chorus

I believe that’s what heaven is for

There’s a time I can recall

Four years old and three feet tall

Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar

And both were out of reach

the world's looking sunny

2009-10-09T23:47:00.000+01:00

"There's A Change For A Better A Change For Good
I'm Changed For The Better I Am Changed For Good
The World's Looking Sunny
Cause That's What You Do To Me" (Natasha Bedingfield)

...and i thought...

2009-10-06T08:39:00.001+01:00

Last night, overcome with stress and busy-ness and with the ceiling of my bad news threshold well and truly battered, I went in search of some peace and solitude away from the craziness of my house and the emptiness of my bedroom. I went to my favourite place for contemplation: Bole Hill. There I sat with my ipod playing in my ear, my legs tucked under my chest and my hood pulled up, I thought 'it's just you and me God' and I proceeded to contemplate as I looked out at the city lights and tried to forget that there was any place in the world other than there. What did I contemplate? I thought about those I love so much who have walked away from God. I thought about myself; my insecurities, my character, my faith. I began to wonder why I'm here in Sheffield, doing this degree (a danger it seems for anyone who dares to contemplate). I wondered what it is that always brings me back to the same old habits of coping and I contemplated the seeming elusivity of freedom. I thought about my fears and my friendships. I thought of those I know suffering at the moment, in their various ways. As I stared out at the city, I thought about all the people in the lit up houses and wondered what they were doing, what they believe in, what they'd fight for. I thought about this next term and how things seem to be heading. I thought about all the people I know, all the things I do, all the places I love. I thought about heaven. I thought I should like many moments like this in heaven, when I can sit in utter stillness, invisible to the world yet fully present in the sight of God. I thought all these things and I got confused. But most of all, I thought these thoughts are so much bigger than me, so much deeper than a mind of matter should let me delve and it made me grateful that there's One who is bigger than me and deeper, who can understand all these thoughts and feelings that I just can't.

a monologue of cliches

2009-09-24T18:28:00.000+01:00

In life you learn. You learn the simple stuff like two wrongs don't make a right, the grass is never really greener on the other side and that the best person to do the job well is yourself. But then there's the deeper stuff too that you learn when you find yourself back in that same dark place. Like that life really does go on, things aren't as bad as they seem and there's always tomorrow. Learn to draw a line underneath the things you need to forget and leave them behind because if you let them infect your future then you will become enslaved to your past. And we know, your past does not define you. You learn about others, the world and yourself. Others- you may never get them to understand your point of view. Their philosophies are always going to clash with yours somewhere down the line. And all you can do is silently accept their hypocrisies.Be careful with your pedestals, always review who's sitting there and why. Aspire to be like them but don't lose sight of yourself in the process. As for the world, you learn it can be cruel and tough but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger for sure and sometimes the best thing to do is jump on the bandwagon and see where it takes you. Life is a rollercoaster so maybe it's time to start enjoying the ride. As for yourself, there's no end to what you can discover. You can take advice, you can obey orders and you can copy others but still you learn of your personal reaction in a given situation. It may take so long to learn, you wonder how many times you will fall only to find your feet again. But eventually, piece by piece, the picture is fitted together and you can use your self knowledge to be a better person. But it is a process, Rome wasn't built in a day. Slowly you begin to learn where you go when the going gets tough. But it'll all be ok in the end, if it's not yet ok then it's not yet the end. Learn from your mistakes but know that what's in the past can be left there. Live life to the full and accept any day could be your last. Enjoy the good things and try to minimise regrets. You're only young once and life's too short to dwell on troubles, these troubles are only momentary anyway. Look ahead at your future, the world's your oyster. Take a mile with every inch you're given and reap the rewards. Noone knows what the future holds but it's as good as you make it. Live with an openness to second chances, accept the failures of others so that they may come to accept yours. Value friendships and believe you are worth enough to be part of them. Make sure your life is revolving around something deeper than the superficial and something more reliable than yourself. when people let you down don't take it as a personal failure. Be in the know, ignorance is never bliss, it's just absence of fear. Know yourself, know others and know the world. If at first you don't succeed, keep trying. Your potential is boundless. There are no limits to what you can achieve. It's ok to be alone. It's ok to be together. No time spent doing what you want to do is wasted time so make sure you are doing what you want. Try new things- nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you fall flat on your face at least you'll be able to lay down for a rest. Never underestimate the power of friendships, love and hope. Keep the faith and live it out- be the change you want to see in the world. It's ok to smile when you're happy and cry when you're sad but be wary of crying when you're happy or smiling when you're sad. Emotions are fragile and easily confused. Protect the things you need to protect. Don't be scared to go cold turkey. Even when you don't remember a time you weren't trying to give it up, it doesn't mean that one day it won't finally leave. When there's rock bottom, 10 miles of crap and then you, remember that things can only get better, you're not the first and you won't be the last. Don't forget the people who have carried you this far. One day you may carry another the same way. Take comfort in the fact that nothing in all of heaven and earth is impossible. Possibilities are endless and bountiful.You may just be a drop in the ocean but that drop could be the source of life to a dying fish. Never underestimate your importance. All's well that ends well so work towards a ceremonious ending which will polish off all the troubles of the journey.

words of widsom from mother teresa

2009-09-23T14:34:00.000+01:00

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centred; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish , ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow, do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."
~mother teresa

how flippin amazing are God's promises!!!

2009-09-21T21:12:00.000+01:00

Made with mine and Jessica's own fair hands.

so what if you're not aesthetically perfect?

2009-09-14T21:49:00.000+01:00

rebelling against my scottish roots... literally

2009-09-12T17:41:00.002+01:00

So, two bottles of hair dye, £5 of conditioner and a third of my hair later and I am no longer ginger. Here are some totally poser shots to show the evidence of our labour.

And, because so many people have asked me recently, here is my natural colour, or at least what i think is my natural colour but the more i look back at old photos, the more convinced i am becoming that i've always been gingery and just never realised because i've never had un-dyed hair...

a banana on the wall

2009-09-08T19:50:00.008+01:00

A few random items to share whilst I dissolve my teeth with 2 litres of diet coke.

1)

2) I have taken a couple of hours to type out my testimony:
http://lookingforlimerence.blogspot.com/2008/04/introducing-myself.html
please read, it is pretty long but hopefully worth the read.

3) I found this amazing personality test website. www.peoplemaps.com
Some of the highlights of my personal appraisal:

"You do have a romantic streak, fi , however it plays tug-of-war with your down to earth view of life. You make friends easily, however to become a personal or close friend of yours can take a very long time. This is because relationships are important to you so you like to take your time. You are very wary of sharing much of yourself with those who have not been tried and tested. You are a truly very private person. Your perfect partner would be someone considerate, with patience who talks about things that interest you. You're a born counsellor fi who spends many a happy hour hearing others' tales of woe- you also offer sound advice though. You are non-confrontational. You don't like being late and will apologise profusely. Fi is a good mediator. Being in a team that gives fi little opportunity to use facilitation skills would be a real waste of talents. Fi Sweeney has the great gift of being willing to respond to the needs of others."

4) I've forgotten number 3 so until i remember i will fill this space with the short and sweet anecdote that i walked past a banana sitting on the wall earlier. True story.

5) A song I wrote for Jade:

My Blessed Best Friend

there's something about the way you are

you're my beautiful superstar

in my darkest night for me you lit a light

and when i couldn't, you kept shining bright

you're my blessed best friend

and i'll love you til the end

when i thought i wouldn't make it through

God blessed me with you

when you need some sunshine to guide your way

let me help you and i'll hide the grey

i'll hold your hand like those days you held mine

with hope and faith restored together we'll shine

to count the smiles and the times we were happy

we'd be riding on infinity

grapes and chocolate, coffee and tea

talking all night, swimming in the sea

you and me

with a little help from my friends

2009-09-07T16:31:00.003+01:00

Having lived in Sheffield now for a year, I have made a poor show in my peak visiting record. Yesterday was my first trip to the peaks, and on that note, my first trip to anywhere even similar to the peaks. With that context, I went along in my usual skirt and pumps only to discover this is not the best attire for trekking through mud and climbing rocks. And despite not being a fan of heights I climbed the above rocks thanks to Chris and Christine's encouragement and Christine's pushing. And I have officiallt done something this summer I have never done before in my life.

do you know him?

2009-08-28T21:58:00.001+01:00

I read this in one of the left behind books as I was ploughing through the series and it really captured me:

"The bible says my king is a seven- way king . He’s the king of the Jews; that’s a racial king. He’s the king of Israel; that’s a national king. He’s the king of righteousness. He’s the king of the ages. He’s the king of heaven. He’s the king of glory. He’s the king of kings. Besides being a seven way king, He’s the Lord of lords. That’s my king. Well, I wonder, do you know him?
My king is a sovereign king. No means of measure can define His limitless love. No far-seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings. He’s enduringly strong. He’s entirely sincere. He’s eternally steadfast. He’s immortally graceful. He’s infinitely powerful. He’s impartially merciful. Do you know Him?
He’s the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizons of this world. He’s God’s son. He’s the sinner’s saviour. He’s the centrepiece of civilization. He stands in the solitude of Himself. He’s honest and He’s unique. He’s unparrallelled. He’s unprecedented. He’s the loftiest idea in literature. He’s the highest personality in philosophy. He is the supreme problem in higher criticism. He’s the fundamental doctrine of true theology. He’s the core, the necessity for spiritual religion. He’s the miracle of the ages. Yes, He is. He is the superlative of everything good you call Him. He’s the only one qualified to be our all- sufficiency. I wonder if you know Him today.
He supplies strength for the weak. He’s available for the tempted and tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He strengthens and sustains. He guards and He guides. He heals the sick. He cleanses the leper. He forgives the sinner. He discharges debtors. He delivers the captive. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent. And He beautifies the meek. I wonder if you know Him.
Well, this is my king. He’s the key to knowledge. He’s the wellspring of wisdom. He’s the doorway of deliverance. He’s the pathway of peace. He’s the roadway of righteousness. He’s the highway of holiness. He’s the gateway of glory. Do you know him?
Well, His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His life is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you.
He’s indescribable. He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistable. Well, you can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him and you can’t live without Him. The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him but they found they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him and the ground couldn’t hold Him. That’s my king. I wonder, do you know Him?"

the showers are not intended for self indulgence

2009-08-27T13:29:00.004+01:00

Every year I find myself back in the same place; the same old smell of cowpat, the same old unceasing grey cloud ceiling and the same old paper thin toilet roll. After last year's experience of 3 weeks in my little messy tent without a single glint of sunshine, I vowed never to return. But then I found myself, last week, driving down the M4 en route to Momentum. I figured it would probably rain the whole time just on account of the fact I took suncream but on the other hand, I did lug my wellies all the way from Sheffield, which pretty much promises some sunshine. So a couple of days in, I'm used to the cowpat smell, a little bit of blue has penetrated the grey and there seems to be a good supply of the usually elusive bog roll and I've almost forgotten why I had previously vowed never to return.
Now, on a scale of 1 to insanely high maintenance, I probably fall somewhere towards the latter. Sometime between the past years spent at guide camp to the now of living constantly in debt due to refusal to buy shampoo under £5, I've lost my ability to rough it true style. I won't beat around the bush here in my admittance that me and Jade's first year at New Wine together included a total of 0 showers. I don't know whether explaining that we were 13 makes that any better or worse. Anyway, nowadays I can't actually converse with anyone until I've showered and applied copious amounts of makeup to cover the tragic camping skin which occurs due to the 3 girls to 1 sink ratio each morning resulting in the lack of the cleanse, tone and moisturise routine.
So each morning at Momentum I took a gung ho run to the showers to begin the painful process of becoming presentable.
Now, this is where, having made it through the cowpat, rain and loo roll situations, my idealistic view of camping got shattered this year. 40 minutes I queued for a shower. 40 whole minutes that could have been put to the better use of something holy- or just make up application. At New Wine, it can be hours before you get to the front of the shower queue thanks to all the mums who take their 5 children in with them and although the children sound like they're having a whale of the time splashing around, it's not so fun for the poor souls standing outside in pajamas waiting for them to finish using up all the hot water.
At Momentum however, the shower queue gets held up for other reasons. As I am standing waiting, having brushed my hair until every last knot has gone, and having made awkward shower queue conversation with the other people in line, a smell wafts past my nose... the smell of hair removal cream. What sort of person takes the liberty of using hair removal cream in the shower with a queue of 6 increasingly late-for-the-meeting people awaiting their turn?! It makes me wonder what other liberties people are taking in these showers that being 3rd in line for one can result in a 40 minute wait.
I, however, the thoughtful and loving person that I am, was in and out of the shower within 5 minutes every day. Although that may have slightly more to do with the shower consisting of a lukewarm trickle of water rather than my selfless character.
I was then lucky enough to get a second shower on the way back to my tent, as the never ceasing grey cloud resumed its position and took some liberties of its own.
And I thought, having survived a year in Tapton, I could have survived a slum but obviously there's some lesson to be learnt which God keeps calling me back to the humble Bath and West Shwoground in order to learn.

what a difference a year makes

2009-08-13T21:09:00.001+01:00

Just over a year ago:
http://lookingforlimerence.blogspot.com/2008/04/oooh-im-innovator.html

Now: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index_5.shtml?personality_type=provider

how it feels to feel like a yoyo

2009-08-03T22:41:00.003+01:00

I'm in a chatty mood so to save myself from filling out endless ridiculous facebook quizzes which noone reads anyway and can come across as insanely pretentious, I thought I'd revert to the humble old blog and waffle away about nothing for a while until I'm so tired I just go to bed.

I have been an absolute yoyo over the past couple of months or at least that's how it's felt. As anyone feels in those months leading up to uni, where I was exactly a year ago, the future is just one big unknown and there's this feeling of novelty that comes with every day which had previously been lost in the mundanity of sixth form and home life. Anyway, my point being that this long, free summer is one of those novelties that I'm still trying to get the hang of and I've been trying to juggle my various commitments all the while finding myself bored with nothing to do on a frequent basis. The yoyo part, however, is purely in the geographical sense. After being turfed out of the security of halls, myself and all my stuff, arrived back in Maidenhead barely before I'd had the chance to open my post, I was back in Sheffield for a week to sort out my job application and to move into my new house. Once all moved in, the lack of internet, money and kitchen utensils, not to mention no imminent start of my job, drove me home again where all these things suddenly appear at my disposal (much to my shame).

Before I really had the opportunity to indulge myself in the above mentioned, I was carted up north once again, to the west this time, to witness my sister becoming a doctor, once and for all, with another ceremony which included a lot of clapping made slightly more fun by clapping extra loudly for random unsuspecting individuals. I met my sister's boyfriend, who missed dinner and arrived (after a lot of nagging) in time for pudding due to the fact he ran over a cat en route and had to take it to the RSPCA. Which would've come across as a very caring and loving act if only my entire family actually cared to any degree for animals, which once again to my shame, we don't. I was incredibly jealous of my sister's beautiful house which I appreciate all the more after having a taste for home decorating by decking my own little room out with pink furnishing. My jealousy was impinged slightly by the fact her toilet door doesn't lock and there is a gap down the middle, just in the right place to give a full viewing to anyone walking past. Which I did not appreciate when sharing the house with 6 others.

Anyway, after these two days I was once again homeward bound for a week before going up to Lancaster for my other sister's graduation. However, due to the fact my parents hadn't told my sister I was coming, she was off on the razzle and didn't want me to stay with her. The other option was to room share with a certain someone else, which I won't divulge any names or details about my reluctance. So, my parents dropped me off at Liverpool so I could stay in Claire's lovely house while mum, dad and granny continued their voyage to Lancaster which me and Claire travelled to by train the next morning. Another graduation ceremony, another family meal and a night in my sister's grotty student house later and I was headed back once again to Maidenhead.

Nothing particularly exciting occurred in Maidenhead except frantic packing on my behalf which resulted in me leaving many boxes of random tat that I've acquired in 1st year of uni in my old bedroom. And I was all set to go back to Sheffield. Then I got a phone call from Nicki. An impromptu trip down to Dorset with some of the original 12. Torn between sticking to my comfortable plan and swanning off to freedom in Sheffield, and jumping in on the spontanaeity and roadtripping down to Dorset, I decided to do the latter mainly on my mum's recommendation who I think just wasn't ready to see me and all my stuff disappear until some indefinite future time. Anyway the details of Dorset are much as you would expect, a lot of wrong turnings down country lanes, drinking games and junk food not to mention an overwhelming amount of catching up on each other's first year experiences which were all as average as the middle class teens we were before we went.

So after Dorset, back to Maidenhead before driving back up to Sheffield, accompanied by my entire life's belongings (minus all the crap I deemed unneeded for 2nd year and left at home). I moved into my room officially, made it so pink and girly it could belong to an 8 year old (it'd probably pass as adult acceptable minus the forever friends bed covers), stocked up on all those absent kitchen utensils and handtowels for the bathroom and the like and have settled into Sheffield living, seeing friends here and there and being trained up for my job.

But obviously, this state of, er, settled-ness, is shortlived as I once again venture out for a kid's camp for which I have to get the train to Leeds and then down to Birmingham then a bus to the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of children in tow I might add, not to mention luggage consisting of mainly paint, cardboard and children's books.

Then it's back to Sheffield before going to Somerset for Momentum and then back to Sheffield before Maidenhead again on the 3rd September.

So, just to summarise, the past two months has been: Sheffield to Maidenhead to Sheffield to
Maidenhead to Liverpool to Maidenhead to Liverpool to Lancaster to Maidenhead to Dorset to Maidenhead to Sheffield and still to come- Sheffield to Leeds to Birmingham to middle of nowhere to Birmingham to Leeds to Sheffield to Maidenhead to Somerset to Sheffield to Maidenhead.

Might I add, I hate travelling.

Oh, hello oncoming bus,

2009-06-30T12:40:00.003+01:00

In an attempt to exercise the new lease of autonomy I have developed since coming to uni, I am currently sleeping on my friend's floor, eating out of cans and sharing a room with 12 mouldy mugs up in Sheffield whilst my parents, with their beds, fresh food and clean mugs are residing 4 hours away. And it's absolutely brilliant. Me and Laura have spent a spontaneous week being, well, spontaneous.

There is one thing I failed to anticipate when giving my dad the 'i'm-grown-up-enough-to-go-and-live-by-myself-in-Sheffield' speech which is the whole navigating with a car scenario. When walking around Sheffield, it is so easy. There's point A,B,C and D and life is spent walking either up or down the hills between each point. However, bring the metal thing with wheels into the scenario and suddenly the friendly crossings where all the cars stop for you are replaced by big scary roundabouts where you have to take your chances and hope not to die while lots of big mean looking cars and buses cut you up. I have to admit, this week I've been down more one-way streets and tram only zones than is actually permitted in a full lifetime of driving stupidity. And I've also been wondering, why do some people feel the need to flash their lights at you?! Yes, ok I did just drive into your lane, placing my little car directly in your path on which you are cruising down at 80mph but do you really think I'm deliberately driving like a retard? Is flashing lights at me really going to help? No. Flashers are just impatient, authoritarian types who don't appreciate the stupidity of the lesser driving individuals such as myself. I could go on for hours with all the stories of how me and Laura have been lost on the roads of Sheffield but they pretty much all begin with road + map corresponding and end with us in Hillsborough and map on the page for Rotherham.

Anyway, tomorrow is move into house day which I write here solely for the purpose for looking back in a year's time and thinking 'aw before I encountered the realities of co-habiting' and am cursing this very day.

But at the end of it all, student roughing it up in halls with raw bacon festering away in the overflowing bin as we speak, or student home for holidays with home cooked food and made bed (or just a bed at all), there is still the fundamental fact that it is 1:15pm and I am in my pajamas having not seen the light of day. On that note, I'm off for a shower.

a brush with 'fame'

2009-03-07T00:39:00.003Z

Well I haven't blogged properly for an age and so I thought I'd produce a little anecdote before this blog loses all momentum and I lose interest, which is against the laws of nature that I haven't already.

Being the computer addict I am (as people frequently like to point out to me, leading to an awkward moment where I produce as many possible excuses in as short an amount of time as to why I spend so much time on the internet) I'd seen an advertisement on the derelict Sheffield Union forum, looking for people to model for a catwalk show. I signed up for a few reasons:
1. I'm currently on a mission to try out new things and meet new friends (which is going really well btw)
2. It was for charity
3. I thought it'd all be fat and ugly people doing it because well, it was an offer of modelling for "girls of all shapes and sizes"- read: this is your one opportunity in life to actually model

In my mind I applied the 3rd one to myself- I thought I'm in no way model-esque enough to ever actually model but here's an opportunity to do so regardless of my lack of model criteria fulfilment. And I'm definitely the sort of girl who wishes everyday for the life of Kate Moss.

So before I actually thought ahead to the implications, I signed up. And in hindsight, I am so damn glad I did.

As it turns out, I was wrong about the other people who had applied. Forget fat and ugly, every last girl was gorgeous. I didn't care that I was on the larger side of the average girl modelling or that I won competition against every pubescent boy in the country for most acne, the only thing which made me feel uncomfortable in comparison to the other girls was my height. Don't get me wrong, I love my height. 5 feet 6, the perfect height in my eyes, short enough to wear heels, tall enough not to, nearly every guy is your height or taller and you barely ever get that awkward feeling of dwarf/giant. However, it is most certainly not an optimal height for catwalk modelling.

The worst part of the day was having to wear no make up. Like none. I was one of the few to abide by this law (despite my inner voice having a field day) but there wasn't a shortage of girls arriving with make upped faces and baby wipes.

It was in at the deep end. This was when I realised that not only were many of the other girls the epitome of model, they were also aspiring models who had obviously spent many an hour rehearsing their catwalk walk, and for some, this was just another catwalk on another weekend. I, however, have never practised my catwalk walk. I can barely bring myself to face the mirror for more than 30 seconds and even if I did decide to strut my stuff in front of a mirror, I couldn't on the account of the fact I don't own a full length mirror (and if I did, btw, it'd be smashed to pieces by now). So you can imagine my 'discomfort' when I have to improvise a catwalk walk in front of all these beautiful girls. Obviously this sounds stupid... it's exactly what I signed up for but I promise you, catwalk modelling with no makeup and a baggy jumper is not so glamorous. As I don't wear heels I had to wear the only pair I own- a black pair which are falling to pieces on account of the fact I have worn them to every heel requiring social function over the last 3 years, after acquiring them second hand off Jade. First error of the day- being 5 foot 6 and wearing 1 inch heels on a catwalk next to a bunch of 5 foot 8 models wearing 8 inch heels.

I kept thinking the organisers must have been thinking "oh gosh, why didn't we audition" but I know in reality that it actually didn't matter what your walk was like or how much your bum sticks out and on closer inspection, the average girl was much like me, just winging it and enjoying the ride, the Kate Moss impersonators were actually anomalies.

After practising catwalking, we then got given our clothes to wear. Cue many girls stripping and walking around in their underwear, which carried on for the rest of the day, thank goodness no guys applied that's all I can say. I won't go into detail about the clothes, I didn't like much of what I wore but I did manage to get things baggy over my most problematic areas and all items of clothing which were reasonably opaque in nature.

After what gelt like the ugliest 100 years of my life, we finally got our hair and make up done. My hair went up into some sort of up-mess which I had to avoid pulling out for the rest of the day. The lady tells me I have nice curls then proceeds to use curling tongs on it...? The make up lady destroyed my dreams of sultry eyes and instead decided to emphasise all my worst bits by giving me no eyeliner and red lips which perhaps helped my confidence in that for once in my life I actually looked better without the makeup.

As for the catwalk, it was so much fun. I wasn't at all nervous because to me walking isn't a big deal in comparison to dance shows, plays and music performances I've done in the past, plus I knew I didn't look that great so it wasn't like I faced any deseration to impress unlike some of the other girls who were obvious petrified at the possibility of falling short of perfection. I had to walk on and off 5 times in total, in 4 different outfits. It is a surreal experience (as was the whole day) to have around 150 eyes on you and only you and I'm not sure that I really appreciate that way of life.

Anyway, to avoid talking forever about the day and listing yet more mundane details, I will wrap up with my mentionable reflections. I made a bunch of friends which was one of my key aims, it helped my confidence immensely to join, alone (i.e. without anyone I knew already), a bunch of mainly older and thinner girls to use my body to model clothes and I just loved chatting away to such a diverse group of people. I'm now much more confident in my abilty to go into new and different situations, pushing the comfort boundaries and just having fun doing it all.

i <3 this song

2009-02-22T14:59:00.002Z

and every other song by Kimya Dawson

My Rollercoaster Kimya Dawson

You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
when I look at your face I can tell that you're not going to be stopping soon or even slowing down
and if we keep up this pace pretty soon we'll know the name of every kid and every grown up booking house shows in their town

and if home is really where the heart is
then we're the smartest kids I know
because wherever we are in this great big world
we'll never be more than a few hours from home
and that's important because I need to travel
I've had this itchin in my shoes since I was just a little kid
and before I had a mini van I road the Greyhound bus
my mom would say "I hope some day you get paid for being Kimya Dawson"

and now I do and it's not much
but it's enough
I've got my Scrabble game, food on my plate, good friends and family
and now there's you understanding why I do the things I do
knowing that you do them too makes me really happy

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

from a distance, the world looks blue and green
and the snow capped mountains white
from a distance, the ocean meets the stream
and the eagle takes to flight

(whispering)

do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be do do do do do do
I'll be the greatest man of your life

'cause I like going for hikes and riding bikes
and playing video games in the middle of the night
and I'll stay up late and I wont even care
that we're getting up early to go to the state fair
I'm gonna ride the biggest ride it'll be out of sight
then I'll share an elephant ear with you if you'd like
because we are alive so we've gotta live life
to the fullest you spin the bottle and I'll dim the lights
four five six seven minutes in the closet

you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
you go straight to the top you're not scared of getting squashed
you know just when to jump off
you're so brave
and then you run to the right it seems there's no hope in sight
and you drop down to the tube that takes you right to level eight

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

Sober

2009-02-17T19:03:00.002Z

Sober- Kelly Clarkson

And I don’t know

This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah
Three months I hurt

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

I will not be labelled

2009-01-30T13:38:00.002Z

Why is there a need to give everything a name? Admittedly, psychology is not the best subject to study if you hold this attitude as it labels every ailment and symptom but seriously, does everything need to be a 'condition' or an 'issue'? What exactly is this magic formula to which we are supposed to conform in order to be 'normal' and to not be labelled as *insert whatever condition your behaviour apparently displays*? Does everyone who diverges from this norm have said condition? It seems as though as long as you even remotely match the textbook description of something, you suddenly get labelled as it. Could it be that you just do some things differently to others? What suddenly makes this difference in your behaviour the manifestation of an entire condition? And not only are certain behaviours matched to certain conditions but if your behaviour, heaven forbid, is even slightly ab'normal' then before you know it a new condition has been formed in order to categorise the behaviour. There's a constant flow of new 'conditions', yet to be officially listed as true medical conditions, some which end up listed and some which don't. Surely if we keep adding new words to diagnostic manuals, people will soon be unable to avoid having their behaviours assessed in order to be given one of these labels. And then, once you've been labelled as whatever you apparently are, you then become the condition yourself. You're a 'hyperchondriAC' not someone with hyperchondria, you're an 'alcoholIC' not someone who suffers with alcoholism, you're 'schizophrenIC' not someone with schizophrenia etc etc. Obviously labels are important in order for people who are genuinely ill to be treated in the best way but I'm just agitated by all these 'disorders' that are creeping into use which aren't really disorders but are simply people deviating, sometimes only slightly, from cultural and social norms.

I found this article which sums it up in a nutshell (I actually found it after writing all of the above, just to point out I'm not just regurgitating stuff I've read), I'm on the side of Szasz.
Click here

From the article:

"The D.S.M., currently in its fourth edition, classifies serious mental illnesses like psychoses and schizophrenia, but critics say it also medicalizes many behaviors once considered traceable to character flaws."

"Dr. Thomas S. Szasz, a Syracuse psychiatrist and the author of ''The Myth of Mental Illness,'' the landmark 1961 book that argued that psychiatry consistently expands its definition of mental illness to impose its authority over moral and cultural conflict."

"as recently as 18 years ago, the D.S.M. had only 106 mental disorders, while in the mid-19th century, before the D.S.M., the Federal Government recognized only one: idiocy/insanity. Now, he added, less money is available to treat those with serious, debilitating mental illnesses whose sufferers have little clout. "

"Road rage disorder is the current favorite in the pack of hopefuls jockeying for position."

the world is plotting against me

2009-01-27T13:51:00.005Z

The route of the problem lies in the insanity of the people who make exam timetables. An exam at 9am. It wouldn't be that bad if the location of the exam didn't involve a tram journey. Because that means being up and ready in time to walk down to the nearest tram stop (or should I say least furthest tram stop) and then leaving enough time for the 10 minute tram journey and the bit at the other end where you have to wander around for a bit trying to find the actual place. Once all this has been achieved, plus the mandatory 10 minutes standing outside mass freakout, you're not looking at a 9am start but a 7:30 start.
So begins my night of terror.
I promised myself I would stop getting anxious over exams and that I'd stop freaking out about them. So the night before I had my Horlicks, had a shower and settled down to sleep- at 10:30pm. An hour later I was still awake, failing at my best attempts to keep above promise. Still, I thought, 11:30 isn't that late, I'll still have 8 hours sleep. An hour later and the hours of sleep dwindled to 7. Still a fair sleep. 12:30am. The residents of Tapton awake. Cue 2 and a half hours of drum and bass music loud enough to make my bed vibrate, about 4 different conversations within earshot, coming from above, below and across from my room, voices seeping into my room through every crack/wall and sporadic banging noises and blasts of a trumpet.
3am. It's gone quiet, well less noisy anyway. Finally I start drifting off to sleep every so often but not for more than a couple of minutes.
4am. The fire alarm goes off. At this point life seemed to have passed far beyond the mildly frustrating phase and into the 'the world is plotting against me' phase. So, on goes the dressing gown. There I am, standing outside in my pajamas in sub minus temperatures among roughly 100 drunk people and feeling pretty sorry for myself and crying a lot.
4:30am Kicked off my shoes and literally dove back into bed.
5am. Asleep at last.
6am. Wake up thanks to a nightmare.
6:30am Fall to sleep
7:15am Alarm rings.

I hope next time they schedule an exam in the early hours of the morning, they might have the sense to realise that they should probably be a bit more strict on noise. But at least I made it to the exam, unlike the person I was supposed to be going with.

And all this just leaves me wondering what has our society come to when people are so damn inconsiderate that they think it's ok to make as much noise as they like and set off fire alarms during exam period.

almost makes me want to learn to knit

2009-01-16T23:03:00.001Z

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4245919/Psychiatrist-knits-anatomically-correct-woolly-brain.html

just some ramble about the 'atheist buses'

2009-01-16T12:36:00.006Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/7832647.stm

I'm really inspired by this man's integrity and thought I'd post it as a lesson for all but predominantly as a reminder to myself.

I have nothing against atheists posting their opinions on buses, but it annoys me how the wording they choose is so deliberately provacative (which I think is fair to say considering Richard Dawkins is the bank account behind their existence). There are better ways to state your belief in nothing than creating a clever sounding slogan which actually promotes ignorance and then placing it among impressionable members of the public.
So we've had the "is there more to life than this?" posters followed by the "there's probably no God, stop worrying" posters... what's next? "you're both wrong, it was the cookie monster all along" posters?
At least (I hope) the church has the sense not to provide a comeback as an ensuing argument would be ridiculously tedious and I'm still wondering where the need for the atheist slogans came from, the Alpha ones at least had the point of inviting people to find out more (in a non offensive way I might add) whereas the "there's probably no God" posters don't seem to be a particularly enriching contribution to the already complex confusion surrounding the issue.

There's nothing like taking a stroll down the street, pondering the meaning of life, only to have the hope filled message of "there's probably no God, stop worrying" float past.*

*Just feel the need to clarify, that's SARCASM for anyone who's notoriously bad for picking up on it, like myself.

sharing the pain

2009-01-15T11:15:00.003Z

How much mess can one person acquire in 3 weeks? Apparently vast amounts, as I have discovered now that it has come to 'pack up for uni' time. So instead of wallowing in the pain of it (I write this between putting loads into the washing machine, filling up the dishwasher and trying to collect together all my revision notes) I thought I'd share my pain. It doesn't help that the mother has gone away until after I go back which means I have to sort all this out for myself and try and imagine where my mum might have put all the things that are missing due to being 'tidied up' into the mother's black hole. Anyway, in an attempt to allay the stress of tidying, here are some pictures of what I'm contending with:

And that's just one room.

the straw that broke the camel's back

2009-01-13T18:16:00.003Z

Don't you just hate it when life takes a dump on your head. Especially when what's absolute crap for you is actually great but you're selfish so it's not great. Because then you get that familiar feeling where you're torn because you know you should be pleased and you are but at the same time it sucks and when you think about it, you're actually just gutted.
Don't you just hate it when above situation happens on the back of too many other similar situations which have all descended on you in a short space of time, and you think you were so strong for allowing yourself to come to terms with it the first three times but this time you just can't be ok about it in the same way you forced yourself to be all the other times.

And then you just have no idea what to do/think/feel.

reflecting on reflections but roaming into rambling

2009-01-11T23:22:00.004Z

So I just had a little re-read of some of what I've written on here over the past 10 months and I've drawn a few conclusions.

1) I was the world's biggest stresspot over exams and I should have believed a) my Dad when he told me I'd get into Sheffield, b) my sisters when they told me A-levels aren't that big a deal, and c) the 20,000 people who thought saying "you'll be fine" would help matters.

2) I've been far too honest. I don't know what has compelled me at times to hurl into cyberspace details about my acne, leg hair and boob size let alone all the anecdotes in which I've divulged details of drunken nights, rants about how awful life is and videos of me jumping around singing. I read a particularly worrying corresponding secret on postsecret this week. It said: "you think i'm reading your mind but really i'm just reading your blog". I've tried to protect myself against this by being overly open about my blog. It's not secret or private and I'm fully aware anyone could be reading it (as I discovered, but that's another story) but at the same time I often assume less people keep up with it than in reality, as I discovered when I accidentally went into diary mode and discovered I'm accountable to a lot more people than I accounted for!

3) There is absolutely no consistency in what, how or when I write. Now I'm stuck. On the one hand I could blame the erratic-ness on my creative nature but today I read in my textbook that creative people usually have a mental disorder of some description. I suppose Emily Bronte and Virginia Woolf (coincedentally my two favourite writers) don't hold the fort too well on this one, two perfect examples of the hypothesis. On the other hand (there was a one hand back there somewhere) I'm left having to admit that I'm just a lazy writer who hasn't developed a style (yet). Not that I really care, as I described in my blogging etiquette blog, writing to formula is stupid and trying to conform to a set style is just stupider (or more stupid for that matter). And I'm also tempted to conclude that my writing style is getting worse, quite possibly correlated to the times at which I blog... can anyone actually write something coherent at 5am? I'll let you know when I get my grade back for my sociology essay.

Anyway, 3 conclusions is enough, I'm not sure it's healthy to analyse a blog to that level. But just to ramble on about a few other observations... I seemed to really care, to begin with, that I would look narcisstic by keeping a blog. Now, I figure that all writers are narcisstic... as someone once said, the biography of any character is that of the author. Not really, I would still hate to make a narcisstic impression with my blog but at the same time, I'm not quite so paranoid that it'll look like that. I think I should be more worried about sounding snobby, although that said, I will never, ever find it within myself to be sympathetic of bad spelling. Especially from other bloggers.
As I've blogged, it's also become a lot more important to me, as has writing in general. I started blogging mainly thanks to Brooke's influence but also thanks to a note I wrote on facebook describing my trip to the Sheffield open day to which 8 people responded which made me realise that other people can find silly anecdotes quite funny. Anyway, nowadays I blog and keep a journal and have done other writing jobs which I would boast about if I was into self-promoting. And I absolutely love writing. Especially as I never seem to be able to say how I feel or what I mean, which usually results in, at worst, me saying something I really regret or at best, just contradicting myself and sounding like I don't really know anything... which I sometimes think I don't. Whoever I talk to and whatever about, my sentences always end up disintegrating into me saying "I don't know" which I've discovered is never actually helpful. But when I blog, I can spend lots of time trying to think of the right words to say (and although it'd be dire to admit, I've learnt my fair share of new words courtesy of thesaurus.com over the past 10 months) and if I blog something and regret it the next day, it's all gone and undone at the click of a button... and you can't regret what you write in a journal, you just cringe to death reading it afterwards. And that is why I love writing and also why I nearly always write to someone if it's something serious.

Hmm well the little flashing cursor has disappeared which I'm taking to be a sign that I should stop blogging, as all I'm really doing is adding more babble to the pre-existing babble I'm babbling about and cringing over. So, for the people who do still read my blog, there's very little chance that anytime soon I'll stop; making blogs full of pointless continuous prose, blogging with lyrics and an accompanying youtube video of the song, posting up photos of the squalor in which I live (having done this 3 times now, it seems to earn it's place in this list), referring you to stupid newspaper articles, telling you my schedule for the coming month, or, blogging randomly about something serious and/or religious.

So, 7am start tomorrow anyone?

Lyrics

2009-01-09T12:53:00.001Z

Fall Down By Jennifer Knapp

Judge Me Not Ye Saints
For My History May Be Tainted
But I'm Sober Enough To Know Blood When I See It
I've Borne My Share Of Stones
Most Of Them Easily Thrown
But Who's To Deny
Your Water-Shed Side
Leading Me Home?

CHORUS

What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
Past Regrets And Long Laments They Find Me Somehow
O, What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
What Have I To Do But Fall Down?
To Spy From Far Away
May Seem That I'm One To Betray
But O, How I Try
The Spirit To Guide
The Promise You Made

CHORUS

Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me

This is her singing it live, the song starts around 1.20:

Just lots of unrelated anecdotes.

2009-01-04T17:12:00.005Z

So I haven't blogged for a while... or what is a while in my terms anyway and my poor excuse is my brand spanking new journal which has stolen the place of my blog as my therapy. It was incredibly distressing to finish my old one, I'm not gonna lie, it was amazing as made by my crafty hands but I figured as it's a new year, I could stretch to a new journal instead of just adding more pages to the old one. So, one long, expensive trip to Hobbycraft and a few hours cutting and sticking later, and I have a new one which looks pretty much the same as the old one but with more pages in anticipation of all my creative musings (i wish).

Anyway, I've got 2 more weeks left til I have to go back to uni for exams and I am looking forward to tomorrow immensely as it's the start of the 1st week I get the house to myself during the day, meaning I can get up to whatever uninterrupted mischief I want, namely procrastination.

I'm going to be overly honest here and talk resolutions. Last year, I managed to fulfil my hope for 08, although pretty much in the nick of time, as it's only been in the past month or two that I've been doing it. I don't really want to broadcast what it was although it's not a secret. I am pleased with myself though as I think when I made it my hope I didn't think in a million years I'd get to the place of fulfilling it. This year, my resolution is to stick to my morals more. I'm so good at giving into peer pressure and uni has taken its toll on my impressionable nature. I'm not exactly a rebellious wildchild (don't get me wrong :S) but I'm not the obedient God-pleaser I aspire to be either and if there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's being inbetween anything (which is definitely not always a good thing). Talking of last minute achievements, I always said Id learn the guitar in 08 but never did. Anyway, I started to learn some chords on the 20th Dec and managed to learn 15 chords and be able to play a few songs by the 31st. Now my corridormates get the joy of hearing me strumming chords on my out of tune guitar (I don't know how you tune them!) and screeching along to Kelly Clarkson at the top of my lungs.

My mum got a wii fit for Christmas which definitely deserves a mention as it's become the central amusement of the Sweeney household. (wow writing that brings back memories of the Sweeney newsletter me and Claire used to make and distribute to our parents and siblings, informing them of what they'd been up to recently). It's an ongoing battle with 4 of us (mum dad rach and me) all trying to outdo each others scores on the games. Mum's been on it everyday since Christmas as I get informed of by the handy chart, on display for all, which records every minute you spend on it, not to mention your BMI and every slight weight fluctuation. I like it although in a particularly typical fashion of myself, there's only a couple of games I like so I play them over and over rather than doing it all.

I can't think of much else to report on, there was New Years and a few other nights out, none of which have details appropriate for the blog although sadly home friends aren't quite as sensitive with their photo censoring as my friends from uni are, resulting in evidence plastered across facebook for anyone to see and every so often I suddenly recall another certain person I have as a friend on facebook and the embarrassment sets in all over again.

Anyway, yea that's it...

Breaking News!

2008-12-28T12:38:00.001Z

This story made it to the front page of the Sunday Telegraph today. I think even I have news that's more worthy of front page column space.

Home sweet... home?

2008-12-26T01:46:00.004Z

I'm a little confused which might explain why, at 3am on Boxing Day, I am blogging whilst everyone else in my house has gone to bed. And it is that way round, I'm blogging because I'm confused, not confused because I'm blogging, wait, that's just more confusing.
Anyway, what I'm a bit confused about is where, exactly, is home? I think I'm stuck in the standard 1st year transition period, when life seems so much like life in your new residence but when you come back home you suddenly realise that everything is carrying on just like normal back at 'home' and it's still got all the attributes of home. And then you start to wonder, is home 'home' only when you're at home and it ceases to be home when you're at uni, which you'd now call home or is home always home even when you're at uni, in which case uni isn't home ever and especially isn't home when you're at home cos it (uni) no longer has any sort of home attriutes. And do I say 'I'm going home' when I leave uni to come back home or when I leave home to go back to uni. And if home is still home (even though when at uni it often outweighs the homeliness of home on account of all your stuff being there) then when does home stop being home and start being uni? Should I just think that I have no home, but that seems overly dramatic when it's probably fairer to say I have two homes.

Anyway 3 more things:
1) No, I have not been drinking
2) Yes, I know it doesn't matter.
3) I am going to stop before the word 'home' starts to sound all funny due to over-repetition

This is home- Switchfoot

I've got my memories

Always inside of me

But I cant go back, back to how it was

I believe now

I've come too far

No I cant go back, back to how it was

Created for a place ive never known

This is home

Now im finally where I belong, where I belong

Yah this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,

Now I found it, maybe this is home

Yes this is home

Belief over misery

I seen the enemy

And I wont go back, back to how it was

And I got my heart set on what happens next

I got my eyes wide its not over yet

We miracles, and were not alone

Yah this is home, now im finally where I belong

Yea this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,

Now I found it, maybe this is home

Yes this is home

And now, after all my searching

After all my questions

Im going to call it home

I got a brand new mind set

I can finally see the sunset

Im gonna call it home

Home, this is home

Now Im finally where I belong, belong

Yes this is home,

Ive been searching for a place of my own

Now I found it,

Maybe this is home

This is home

Evidence.

2008-12-19T02:26:00.008Z

My last blog shared some of the filth I've encountered today whilst tidying. It' 2:30am and I'm back at it on account of the looming mother's visit. Sadly, my planned evening of tidying got interrupted by 3 hours of jumping on Nat's bed singing Wham and McFly, a guilty pleasure of ours that we've decided we partake in far too often. All the same, we'd still be at it now if Lewis hadn't come upstairs and told us that 5 girls stomping around on his roof wasn't supportive of his beauty sleep. Anyway, as my sleeping pattern is so crazily messed up that I'm not scheduled another sleep til 2010 I thought I'd be an incredibly cool person and take photos of my room, so that I feel a little less alone with its mess.

This is my room after 12 hours of tidying. In those 12 hours I've had 5 people come and see how messy it is, 2 people walk past and yell at me to get off facebook and get back to it, and many other passers by recoiling in horror at its sight.

This is my wall of accumulated stuff since being at uni:

And behold! Not for the faint hearted...Here is the thing I found at the bottom of my bin. I'm surprised I'm not dead from its spores yet.

These are bad times my friends... bad bad times.

oh dear oh dear.

2008-12-18T18:24:00.002Z

I'm going home for Christmas in 2 days. My room is still in its usual state of disarray yet now I have boxes lying around half full of semi ordered stuff. My dishes are still sitting in the basin, having been sitting there so long that half the water they were in has actually evaporated (and/of soaked up by the various items of clothing I keep accidentally dropping in it). I have hair dye paraphernalia decorating my desk and I have one of my few towels lying on my window sill after my DIY double glazing attempt. And it'd be highly inappropriate to share what is in my sink at the moment... but I'm still plucking up the courage to go near enough to it to clean it.

I should technically be tidying it now, as it is less than 24 hours before the mother descends and I think when she offered to help me tidy, she didn't quite anticipate what I meant by 'messy'.

Talking of messiness... I went out for my birthday last night. If you've seen the Simpsons episode with Homer trashing the school with his friends and then the next morning recounts to Bart and Lisa what he'd done last night and it goes into old movie style and Homer is prancing around giggling and it's all pink etc (you have to have seen it, I couldn't find it on youtube) then you'll understand my current thoughts about last night. If you haven't seen it, don't worry and probably best not to ask either.

There is a little part of me looking forward to coming home, it's only little but it seems to be more than the amount my friends are happy about going home. I'll miss the banter with my friends, but there are some things I'm looking forward to, the main thing being the privacy of home... sometimes it's nice just to do things without 6 other people knowing where you've been and where you're going. But I'm sure the novelty will wear off pretty soon. Uni has finally picked up momentum though and I'm getting along great with my friends, having good nights out and getting into lectures. Which is why it's so annoying to stop it all just when it's getting good. But, I am excited about seeing people again and being a lazy arse; driving everywhere instead of climbing up a 170 degree wall everyday and going to bed earlier than 4am.

Anyway, I am going to go and tidy now. Honest I really am....

Oh dear.

2008-12-10T18:57:00.002Z

I've had the best few days, yesterday was so much fun. After cell group we went to Bole Hill park at 11pm and just messed around in the playpark. It was so amazing to be on the swings, looking up you could see all the stars and looking down was the most amazing view of all the city lights in the dark. It's so much fun just to be a big kid sometimes!

Anyway the oh dear in the title is definitely referring to the height my clumsiness has reached. It is distinctly unfunny. Yesterday I knocked over a bottle of juice, getting everything soaked. Then, as I ate my soup on my bed more of it went on my sheets than in my mouth. The worst part is yet to come. The canteen seems to bring out my clumsy side, you know, the whole getting the arm stuck in the tray conveyor belt scenario which I blogged about last time I listed all my clums-ridden feats. So I sat down, picked up my diet coke and the cup sort of crumbled in my hand. The next thing I know, my coffee has coke in it and my potato is swimming in a puddle of coke on my plate. But that's not the worst part- the worst part is somehow, the coke managed to go down my back, i think I threw someover my shoulder and it just dribbled down my back all the way to my bum. When I stood up, it looked like I'd wet myself cos I had a trail of wet in a place which really shouldnt be wet in a canteen. Only I could shower myself in Coke so badly that I have to actually change my underwear.

While we're on the topic of disasters + personal stories, I was going to wear a dress to ROAR tonight. I wore this dress in February last, no problem. Anyway, I inched it over my bum and went through to get Nat to do the zip up, the zip went up as far as my two womanly assets which appear to have sprouted out of nowhere since February. There was absolutely no way this dress was going anywhere thanks to my stupid nungas. Anyway, I didnt give up there- i thought maybe it might go over my head. Cue me running around my room with a dress stuck halfway over my head, arms and the like flailing all over the place. Anyway moral of the story is- don't try and wear a size 6 Topshop dress when you have 34C knockers.

Other personal news which I may as well divulge seeing as I don't seem to be holding back much- I've got some strange spots, 3 on my stomach one on my leg one on my back and one on my leg. I'm concerned I may have caught ringworm (which involves no real life living worms as i discovered) as it seems to be present in our corridor at the moment. Either that or I've got an extremely unwelcome guest in my bedroom.
I also dyed my hair so its kinda streaky blonde.

Ermmm... (essay procrastination btw)... i tidied my room so it no longer resembles what it did before (see a few posts back) my floordrobe is now a chairdrobe. but i can now turn the light off to sleep without worrying I'll get eaten alive by giant rats.

Tonight Nat's giving me a make over in which I think she underestimates how hard it is to make me look good. But still, any offers which might make me look semi presentable are welcome. It isnt helped by the reemergence of my acne (seriously do you ever grow out of it!) despite my self prescribing of Dr. Stuart's skin purify tea (some past blog somewhere about that stuff on here). It also isn't helped by my faces decision to be puffy. I think it might be down to lack of sleep, either that or I have some disease like the Bubonic plague (might explain those spots). Anyway the consequence is I've ran out of foundation in an attempt to look less awful.

Well I could witter on forever but I'm supposed to be writing something coherent about the meaning of life and all that which is due in for next week :S

the things we'll never know

2008-12-06T03:01:00.001Z

2009 (I hate the number 9- not a good start)

2008-12-04T16:50:00.003Z

Don't get confused by the title- it's not actually 2009 yet but Brooke and subsequently Bekah posted their new years resolutions recently.
Here and here.
Which got me thinking (bet you saw that one coming).
It's tempting to go for the resolutions like 'procrastinate less' and 'be more organised', and it's especially tempting considering I still haven't finished my essay that's due in for tomorrow. But we're talking achieveable goals, not personality transformations.
It's also tempting to go for resolutions like 'write in my journal everyday' and 'get along with my siblings' but then I'm not really setting myself any challenges at all. Like when people give up a food for lent which they never eat anyway.
So, I've got to find some things which are achievable and likely.
Last year, my aims for the year were to learn guitar and get AAB.
Spectacularly failed them both.
So far I've got:
Learn guitar (more than the 5 chords I learnt then forgot this year)
Read the entire bible. I had a bible in a year book which I started last January. I got to about the 4th chapter of Genesis.
Other than that I'm open to suggestions- so...? Probably should be something about lecture attendence, money saving and contact keeping... but I'm just staying true to the title of student.

Oh and following from my last post....
I half tidied my room then got bored. I did find £10 in the process though which means I might just make it through til the end of term without going into the minuses. I'd better spend this £10 wisely!! I was particularly resentful to thetrainline.com when I added up all I've spent on train tickets this term. That'd be well over £150. Maybe I should spend more time in Sheffield.
There really is a bad smell wafting around my nose as I write this. I'm hoping it's either the mouldy mug I'm sat next to or a rat corpse under my bed (rather dead than alive, although preferably neither)- I'm still paranoid there are rats in my room and ever since I saw that episode of CSI where the rat climbed out of this corpse's mouth I'm going to be sleeping with the light on. I also have 3 bites on my stomach so I've definitely had an unwelcome guest of some description- there's no teeth marks though so I'm sure I'm safe with the rat thing.

And I also washed my hair despite the fact it was soooooo knotty that it took me a good 15 mins to brush through it, I had literal dreadlocks forming. Just to point out this wasn't cos I haven't been washing it, it was just cos I never brush it when I wash it so it dries with knots in. Seriously tempted to chop it all off though!

Anyway I'd like to point out how immensely excited I am about Christmas hols. I can't wait to go home and see everyone again, and to drive again, and to be able to go to the loo in the middle of the night without getting spooked by having to walk down a long corridor, and being able to put anything I want in the shopping trolley without having to do cost analysis (butternut squash and grapes- oh yea!), and to go to church again, and being able to do my workout dvds, and not have any essays to write, and to be able to bake again and just so many other things!!

But I'll probably miss uni while at home- who couldn't miss the lack of sleep, the awful food, the neverending essay writing, the restriction of your entire life to one room and the frequent intrusion into this lifehole by people who actually want to elicit more than a grunt out of you.
So... new year's resolution to be more positive anyone?

Lalalalalife

2008-12-04T13:45:00.004Z

So it's 1:45pm on Thursday afternoon.

I'm lying in bed having gone to bed at 3am after attempting to finish my sociology essay. Gave up despite needing 300 more words and a deadline of tomorrow.

My hair is so greasy that I'm contemplating wearing a hat to go between my bedroom to the shower.

Apparently there was snow but I slept right through it.

My bedroom is so messy (see last post) that I slept with the light on last night because when I turned it off, I started to have auditory hallucinations of rats.

I now have the task of getting out of bed, showering and tidying my room before 4:30.

Then, I have the task of finishing my essay only to start the next one which I have a week and a half to do. And I'm sooooooo tired, I want to sleep for another 6 hours.

Anyway, other news. This is my brother DJing for 1000 people in a club in the Czech Republic.

And this is Claire and Rach after Rach got her belly button pierced. Which means all 3 of us Sweensters (Sweeney sisters) have tattoos and belly piercings. Which is funny when you think about how dad woiuldnt let us get our ears pierced til we were 16. (Though naturally being the youngest I got mine done when was 15 and already had 6 more holes by 16 :P)

She got it done with us on Monday, me claire and Rach went to Manchester and had a day of shopping :)

Anyway, back to the essay :( There's only so much about lesbianism and Freud that I can cope with!

Oh and I've officially signed for our house next year- 8 girls in one house. No further comment.

Ok I'm really going to go now and stop procrastinating...

Some things never change :S

2008-12-03T11:39:00.004Z

So a while back, I blogged about the chaos my bedroom tends to get itself into:

Click here to see

Having got to uni, and shared a corridor with 24 other girls, you'd have thought I might have learnt that most people actually have tidy rooms and it's not actually that normal to live in absolute squalor.

Someone needs to tell my room that. It just insists on making itself messy, everytime I walk through the door it seems to have accumulated more and more mess.

So here I am again, 9 months later, having learnt nothing about being tidy and I'm living in the same old mess.

I take this picture as conclusive proof that duvets do grow legs and run away- check out that thing slinking away.

I just feel sorry for the people living with me next year. No, really.

Pre- Reunion Banter

2008-11-26T21:06:00.003Z

This week Brooke and myself will be reunited after 9 weeks of a witty, double meaning infused and sarky banter famine. Here's a reminder of why we are officially the coolest kids on the block.

Text from Brooke (in her impeccably perfect english... no text speak as usual):
"I'm sitting by myself in the launderette at 9pm on student night eating a Twirl and listening to Ben Kweller. Yeah i haven't got any cooler since coming to uni.xx"

My reply:
"Haha, dont worry im the same... Being dragged out by my friends so am getting high on caffeine while trying to disguise my acne with copious amounts of concealer. x"

You've got to love us.

Is God a delusion or is Dawkins deluded?

2008-11-16T20:14:00.004Z

There is no doubt Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" is provocative and there is even less doubt of that being his intention, a fact which I'd happily provide quote based evidence for except the book provides so many possible examples that I'm stuck for choice. However, a satisfactory example is surely the google search for "the god delusion" which yields over 1.3 million results.

I think the torrent of rebuttal from angry Christians needs to be calmed slightly; reasoned defences such as Alistair McGrath's "The Dawkins Delusion" are fair play but there is no need for Christians to match Dawkins' belligerent, hostile and defiant attitude in their replies. Dawkins actually quotes some of these in the book, as an example of how religion does not equate to morals. To cite some of this exploited ammunition, page 242 Dawkins shares a letter (as he spends a lot of the book in the role of wounded soldier) sent by a supposed Christian to an atheist of a similar position to Dawkins: "i'd love to take a knife, gut you fools, and scream with joy as your insides spill out infront of you..." If people can't manage to read atheistic writing without feeling so profoundly offended, they shouldn't be reading them at all. A small part of me can understand their inability to suppress their grievances, Dawkins (and many other atheist writers) is devastatingly good at pushing buttons thanks to his condenscending, biased and aggravating writing style but... I don't think the 'but' of this sentence requires elaboration, there is no excuse for such hostility. On the other hand, if a Christian felt unable/unwilling to refute Dawkins, even if only in their own mind or quietly in their own heart, then Dawkins is succeeding in robbing us of our convictions and we are allowing ourselves to be provoked in the very way he intends and the very way the bible warns against (click here).

I found that as I read it, I found myself siding with Dawkins and sympathetic of his point of view but the moment I put the book down, I forgot what he'd even been on about. I'll try and explain. Page 110 Dawkins debates the 'argument from beauty'. When I read Dawkins' debate of how appreciation of beauty doesn't indicate God's existence, his reasoning seemed to make sense. But then, I'd put the book down, and as soon as I experienced the appreciation of beauty, Dawkins' attack of it doesn't seem so sensible anymore. David Robertson explains this particularly succintly in "The Dawkins Letters":

Beauty - You state this argument really badly. For me it is one of the arguments that is central to proving the existence of God. You reduce it to someone asking: ‘How do we account for Shakespeare, Schubert or Michelangelo?’ But it is much more than that. It is not so much the fact that 'there is beauty' – but 'why do we as human beings have a sense of beauty'? I’m sure you will account for that by stating that it is a chemical reaction in my brain caused by millions of years of evolution. But that seems to me at best a partial explanation. Beauty is part of consciousness and it remains one of the great unanswered questions in evolutionary philosophy – where does consciousness come from? When I see the beauty of a sunset over the river Tay, or hear Beethoven’s sixth (substitute any beautiful experience), then I cannot grasp nor believe that this is just instinct or impulse that comes from ultimately nowhere. The words of Solomon fit so much better “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes ch.3 v.11)."

To take another example, Dawkins is quick to attack God's character with his careful selection of bible verses which indicate an unworshippable God. It's so easy to get caught up in Dawkins' assessment and to see his point but then, away from the atmosphere his book builds up which lulls the reader into aquiescence, the experience of the love and hope God brings in any situation quenches Dawkins' otherwise suggestions.

Another qualm I have with the book is this idea Dawkins holds, that religious people have all been indoctrinated. He claims he doesn't believe in authentic Christian children, he thinks you can't be Christian and be a child. This personally winds me up because I've been deeply spiritual since I was 5, with a deep understanding of God and the gospel. But then Dawkins is good at holding disbelief in things that evidently exist, let's add Christian children to the list, which already includes God and meaning of life among other things. As far as indoctrination goes, the power of influence is not confined to religion.

Coincidentally (and I choose my word carefully there) somebody recently referred me to The God Delusion in order to allay my cynical attitude (the irony actually makes me nauseous). As the debate unfolded, many of the arguments they held against God are paraphrases of Dawkins himself yet my suggestion that this person holds a faith in Dawkins was instantly rebutted with the denial of any faith. Here is a selection of thoughts from this person, reproduced with absolutely no permission and probably much to her annoyance:

the bible is the most contradictory book I have ever read. the god it portrays is vindictive and bloodthirsty and supposedly at the same time loving and caring. Dawkins does not take meaning out of life, but makes it wonderful and exciting. The meaning from the bible is bad and confusing to say the least. Secondly I have no faith. I am an atheist. I lost my faith well over twenty years ago. I am only now reading the book by Dawkins and find it interesting. I cannot believe in god who purposely causes pain as Jesus is told to have done in the new testament. If he was truly a good all knowing god he would have known the suffering he was causing and would not have done it. Even before that I had many doubts about the existence of god and much disquiet about the contradictions in the bible. To me it is not enough to wait for an answer till I die. What good does it do to me then... Science does provide a more satisfactory answer than the bible has ever done. I prefer living as good and as moral a life as I can now and here than to wait for answers after death. If you find strength in your suffering, good for you. I wish you all the best in your studies and hope you will come to see the religion for what it is one day" Well, I could tear this apart but remembering this is about The God Delusion I'll just pick out a few points, as I'm sure a lot of these feelings stem from Dawkins' indoctrination. Additionally, coming directly on the back of my reading of The God Delusion, it's affected me to the point I want to refute it in the same manner. People should be more careful throwing around accusations without full understanding of the context of the point they are attacking, something which Dawkins really needs to learn before he teaches this distasteful art to the next generation.

"To me it is not enough to wait for an answer till I die"
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
I'm not waiting for any answers. I know what's going to happen to me when I die. She then claims "I have no faith" Which obviously isn't true. She is sure in her hope that there is nothing after life. She is certain of her conviction to "live as good and as moral a life as I can now" She has as much faith as me, just at the opposite end of the spectrum.

"I cannot believe in god who purposely causes pain as Jesus is told to have done in the new testament"
Talk about gun.foot.shoot. and spade.hole.dig
Let's take away the personal element and assume what she actually means is 'how could anyone believe in a God who causes pain' and to push it further, let's clarify the statement to mean 'a God who causes pain cannot be believed in'. This is a circular statement if there ever was one. So nobody believes in this God (because they can't) because he induces pain. But if noone believes in him anyway then can he still really exist at all? If he isn't real to anyone (assuming noone in the world believes in him because they can't) then he doesn't exist in anyones mind and if the being we label as God does exist, (but noone ever thinks of him or knows him i.e. he is unknown to mankind) then we wouldn't be calling him a God as we wouldn't be able to conceptualise him. And if he doesn't exist, then he never caused any pain in the first place, which takes away that very reason to not believe in him. So either, there is a God who caused pain, therefore we can believe in him, or there isn't a God who didn't cause pain therefore we could not believe in him, but it couldn't be on the reasoning that he causes pain. I think what she meant to say was: 'I don't want to believe in a God who causes pain'. But this doesn't say much really, it just squeezes the issue into another ballpark where we have to debate benevolence etc etc which I've had enough of in philosophy lectures.

My point being, people read Dawkins and develop views on religion which are non- arguments, they don't contribute at all to fair disbelief.

I still have no idea where I'm going with all this so I guess I'll round it all up.
Dawkins' book is clever. If you're an atheist, you'll probably read it and be left with a proud inner satisfaction that you are right (even though it proves nothing). And congratulations, Dawkins has just turned your lack of faith into its own faith, and he's even provided the holy book by which you must live.
If you're a Christian, don't read it unless you are either a)not very clever and wouldn't understand what he's on about anyway b) endowed with the spiritual gift of faith c)accountable to some Christians or d)wanting to convert to atheism. It's a big blow to faith and you need the resilience of a Bobo doll to bounce back from it's attacks.
But, to answer the few people who've asked and the people who want to know and haven't asked: yes, I am still a Christian. I find the entire notion of the book, that life is scientific, clinical, chemical and genetic entirely discomforting and unsatisfactory. Just a few minutes of introspection leaves me facing thoughts and feelings which belong only to my inner soul, I don't look inside myself and see a biological motherboard with neurons and brain squidge. And absolutely nothing ever will.